the image of authority

I had a bad dream last night. It was so realistic that made me awake at 6am and could not go back to sleep again. In the dream my dad forces me to do drug testing and it comes out positive. He is really pissed, thinking that i'm his useless junkie daughter who smokes cracks and shoots heroin and has unprotected sex with strangers. He locks me in the room, taking my cellphone away. I cry and scream that "I've never done heroin!!! Maybe just smoke pot sometimes--but it's harmless!!!" He of course does not buy it. My sister is crying in the other room. After my parents leave I ask her to throw the phone inside my room so i can call her psychiatrist who might be able to counsel my dad.

I don't remember if i manage to make the phone call or not. I only remember that the whole time i'm looking down at myself from above in a third person's perspective. It was like a bad high school theater play or something. I woke Lindsay up and told her the i had a bad dream. She said i must be anxious about my family coming to visit me in two weeks.

I think i am nervous about seeing my family. My shoulders are still tense after showering. I know that i am not the kind of daughter my dad wants me to be. But it is such a cliche of father-daughter relationship and i thought i was so over it since 5 years ago. What would Freud say about it? I'm a typical case of penis envy?--of course all lesbians are. My dad cannot see a tiny bit of respect from me because my queerness blinds him entirely. He is a tender man who loves poetry but 30 years of working and family trauma have worn him off. I want to say i understand you and i'm not a kid anymore. If i could ever say anything to him he would actually listen, that would probably be it.