the openness in separation.

I'm tired of this cloudy showering weather that always says "65%" chance of rain in seattle. This spring feels like an enternal dysthymic depression. It's time to be home and to sweat out this bad energy. I'm happy but not as excited as i wish i could be. I think I'm just exhausted. Exhausted from this crisis state we've been in. Greece's economy is falling. Oil spills in Gulf coast. Thai red shirts uprising. Trans sex worker murdered in Wisconsin. Taiwanese managers forced feeding Indonesian Muslim migrant workers pork. Ths list goes on. Sometimes I don't know if it's psychologically healthy to read all the shit that happens in the world without seeing everyday folks fighting back. How could we resist that if we couldn't even convince ourselves that we have the power to do so? I think i need a break not because i lost my hope. I need a break because i simply do not have the mental capacity to make sense of it all right now.

I'm sad to be apart from L during this stressful time before moving to new york. But i know i have to go home because i might not get to for a while. You think it'd be easier now it's probably the 8th year and 20th time i had to do this. But it never really gets easier. Having separate homes across the oceans. Every time i travel i feel like i lost my language somehow--the words i used to speak to describe my feelings about home. Now i only have a few left--"sentimental," "warm," and "distant." What I want to do at home is to read literature, walk in shorts, drink lots of tea, talk to mom and sis, and hopefully to find peace in all the separation and relocation thats necessary for our growth, instead of feeling stuck or scared.

I remember how i could find the greatest happiness in something dramatically simple like writing a genuine poem for someone, or drinking a beer in chaotic streets at night just watching people walk by. I think when we learn how the world operates and how it brings so much oppression and pain to every day people, we forget about all these simple things, because everything is about a historical, systematic plan to destroy and harm. Especailly in the US i can't help but thinking about most things in a professional, dramatic term, just because that's what i only know and how i relate to this land. But i want to learn to think about the place we live in a humane way sometimes. Like i have this 35% chance of sunshine and i really want to walk to the bookstore, get some natural vitamin D, and read this probably politically incorrect lesbian novel.