the edge

When i get stressed i start obsessing with every little thing around me. My phone, the charger, the bedsheets, the plant that looks like it's about to die, hair in the bathroom, the smell in the kitchen sink, the fabric of the couch. Every little thing drives me crazy. I was at this wine and cheese welcoming event at my program. Having to be genuinely interested and interesting for 3 hours was just too difficult of a task to accomplish in my mental stage. It's been a month since i moved to the city, when i just thought everything was getting more comfortable and familiar, i got completely overwhelmed by the number of people around me all the time. I used to have alone time all day, when i was unemployed and applying for school. That solitude made me feel almost too lonely sometimes, but it definitely didn't make me feel like a crazy person with too much repressed anger. So much to learn and observe, to be able to sound excited enough, militant enough, competent enough, smart enough, ambitious enough, empathetic enough. I feel like i'm always catching up every since i came to this freaking country. And the race is definitely not over yet. It is not a marathon, because i don't even know where the endpoint is, if not death. Maybe i need a spiritual leader to tell me that life is not a competition, but why it damn feels like it is all the time. I've subscribed to way too many newsletters to try to understand this world better and forgot to write and reflect. That is what is driving me to the edge and i can see myself wanting to jump in every minute.