feel that anger in our stomach

在像是空城般的紐約並且公寓擠爆的狀態下，以羊排和匈牙利雞和四種甜點作為壓軸和12+以上的女同志渡過了溫馨的friendsgiving。同一時間台灣正產生以護家為名的恐同十萬人遊行，並且竟然有年輕人打扮成納粹來宣示恐同的歷史正當性。即使隔著如此遙遠的物理距離，一早醒來我感覺宿醉般地頭痛做噁。我們總是那麼安逸地習慣於自己的小圈圈可以自在地分享兩百種同志的笑話和文化references，常常那麼容易忘記大多數的人真正看待我們的眼光，哪怕是在伴侶家人holiday聚會中對妳沈默的接納，工作面試時多看了妳穿著幾眼，過邊境海關時總是要擔心我該說我去找我女友好呢還是朋友似乎比較安全，焦慮明年是否還能跟伴侶待在同一個公寓同一座城市同一個國家。我們都太習慣想要自己負責一切，於是總是搶先幫別人的歧視找方法解決。我們換上不同的衣著、變換髮型、聚會迴避敏感話題、使用讓人覺得舒適的稱謂，不斷遷徙或者放棄遷徙的選擇。我們吞噬了所有人的焦慮和臆測並表達刻苦的善意，於是讓其他人覺得可以理直氣壯地以愛為名執行暴力。如果在美國的生活讓我學到什麼那必定就是憤怒的力量。去他的愛去他的理性去他的和平。和平的現況應該要使我們感覺前所未有的憤怒。

the cosmopolitan class.

被性別壓迫廣告分析轟炸後的課後，連續和學生討論女性主義的跨性歧視、俄國的後蘇盟性別政策、女同志色情片的陽具中心，面談完後上海來的學生問我要不要順道載我去火車站，我坐在她的兩門白色全新Audi跑車上聽到九〇年代的台灣流行金曲，談論著紐約的房價，和她寒假英國戲劇節的計畫。這是我這週感到最大階級衝擊的時刻，她在我幾乎全是白人的課堂上從來都不發一言，英文也不是特別流暢，卻非常有自信她將會繼續升學考上全美前五名的律師學校並取得執照，就像是她在中國的律師父母。有時候我感覺階級的優勢就是這種安靜的自覺，在任何環境下都明白自己享有的特權，無須自我懷疑或second guessing。這種上流階級國際學生的優越感，是我身邊所認同的global south移民學生中所感受不到的。我跳上回紐約市的火車後，突然意識到自己正在教育所謂全球化下的上流階級年輕人，而感到極度地荒謬，比較起去年在公立大學多半是移民家庭學生的中產美國夢，他們的夢在加州santa monica的海灘，在巴塞隆納的酷兒藝廊，在巴黎女性電影，甚至在古巴的高端旅遊業。我卻無從想像那樣的leisure，或無國界的自由。才記得昨晚談到，我對美國沒有一點幻想。也許是因為擁有相對的選擇，所以我可以放棄去相信去保守那樣的美國夢。但在這種因為特權所帶來的國籍被徹底鬆動的空間之中，面對他們感到可以擁有世界的霸氣，經常我感到荒唐，並且憤怒。

性的可能。

整個政治不正確的感恩節假期從s二十七歲的生日開始。我因為剛結束和系上極右派經驗主義者男同志教授針對我"太過酷兒"、"太過理論"課堂設計的壓迫對峙會議之後，帶著一種被陽具過度侵犯的不潔感，而非常需要喝醉。我其實已經極少喝調酒了，但是在這種友人喜慶、假日要來的興奮和必須完成兩百件工作事項的焦慮、以及再次痛恨學術界卻又無路可走的複雜情緒之下，並不是那麼排斥威士忌基酒調酒的可能。在東村的Elsa，不管我點什麼女服務生每次總說那是"excellent, excellent choice"，不僅讓人懷疑起她的真誠度。我喝著death of a ladies' man，而室內的裝潢一種臨界於地中海的清潔感和二次大戰時期美式復古細節，讓人開始失去判斷的能力。我跟大家炫耀著我離飛行時間倒數計時器的app，然後回答那一系列讓人害臊的問題比如：妳們見面時妳要穿些什麼／妳要忍幾天不做愛／妳最喜愛的角色是？其實我沒有一點預設，我知道身體會自己化解那些被時空和距離阻擋而製造的猜臆，就像是濃度適當口味單純的酒精，不帶一點熱情耗盡拖戲般的宿醉。一拍即合的那麼乾脆。

我想我需要的是八小時的睡眠

有時候妳就是必需要憤怒／必需要發洩／必需要抽煙／必需要失去邏輯／必需要消費。尤其是在這悶溼的雨天奔走，晚間八點吃了一天第一餐的日式泡麵一邊無盡地改著120份學生的作業，直到午夜即將降臨才意識到妳在這清醒的15個小時中都尚未為自己做過任何一件事情。除了清晨那杯兩塊美金的黑咖啡／一些在地鐵站之間偷空傳遞的想念訊息／或者靜音播放著的showtime新影集。妳焦慮地洗著碗盤分類資源回收然後不斷用底層掏出的靈魂去推翻自己對於盲從偽善人性／的太過絕望

在這低靡悲劇性的政治環境之中至少妳還信仰愛情。

沒有辦法寫出什麼感性的字句我想我是被教書和論文的壓力給逼得太過緊繃。無論和朋友談論什麼都將回溯到我們越來越糟的教學環境和博士學位投資報酬率不等的荒謬性。系上昨晚才剛歡迎了一群一年級的新生，看著一個個充滿熱忱的新面孔積極地想要討教授歡喜，我和幾個較為憤世忌俗的學姊們在場外喝著紅酒，氣勢低靡地談論著系上教授間醜陋的八卦，誰和哪個學生上床，誰又聯合抵制了哪個有色人種的學生，誰用了指導學生的文章卻不讓對方掛名。其實關於學術領域的單純性或清高根本就是種自我安慰的鬼話，無論打著如左派如何進步的招牌，學術圈不過就像是任何為了營業率不擇手段的職場，而我們大多都是從來無法爬到較為舒服或穩定位置的廉價勞工。唯一個不同的是我們其中有著更大比例帶著天真幻覺的人們以為他們可以徒手改變世界。對於這部分，我是個傾向悲觀的實際主義者，毫不掩飾我對學術的懷疑。

而此刻我在曼哈頓中城學校附近唯一非企業連鎖能夠讓我感到稍許放鬆擁有良好髮型barista的espresso bar，讀著2005年Social Text期刊中的酷兒文獻備課，思考著我該如何在大學部的演講上從上週Foucault的後結構主義邁向從來無法準確定義的酷兒理論領域。才剛從酷兒理論學者Lisa Duggan關於新自由主義、同志常規（homonormative）慾望、帝國主義幻想的演講中離開，比對於整個昨晚新生酒會的氣勢低靡，覺得整個人除了仍是過於痠痛的肩頸外又終於重新活了過來。我對於具有物質和感情分析的酷兒理論是如此無法抗拒，彷彿是那完全替代了我曾經對於ecstasy的想望。想著如果我勢必被某種論文的枷鎖繼續糾纏個三年，那還不如做一些讓我快樂的事情。就當作是在這整個太過功力算計的學術圈中一點自私的反抗和歡愉。讓我至少在這尚未有被朝九晚五工作行程中的幾年，尚且自由地思想並飛行。沒有多久在咖啡廳中就遇到了將要defend她論文的J，簡單回味了一下上個冬天去以色列-巴勒斯坦那段太過突兀的旅程，想著時間飛速地過去。今天晚上就是2012美國總統大選的競選人辯論了。即使身邊左派的友人再也沒有人對歐巴馬有什麼不切實際的幻想，民主黨2008那年行銷過於厲害的"HOPE"海報仍深深烙在我的印象之中，不時讓我起了某種集體公眾情感的雞皮疙瘩。我對於選舉政治幾乎完全地冷感，但為了美國右派越來越加離譜的性別／身體政策感到焦慮而心底多少希望歐巴馬連任。這個世界的戰爭和一切悲劇卻只是變本加厲地進行著，身邊的朋友一個個因為經濟的負擔而不得已增加了學貸的額度，或者多了另一份工作而只剩下每天不到五小時的睡眠。在這樣的年代我們還能信仰什麼，我常常這麼問自己。那些千篇一律的遊行，Trotskyist社會主義組織令人反感的空洞政治口號，或者只為了增進自己學位而還無其他理想可言的假惺惺研究生"行動主義者"，都讓我感到重度地憂鬱。想要連環性地抽煙。也許前禮拜芝加哥教師的集體大罷工讓我多了那麼些希望，或者不過就是這些時間隙縫中趁著酒精和香煙的集體發洩，那每個禮拜的女性馬克思討論會，讓我們不再感到孤獨。在這一切沒有系統分析下的政治鬧事之外，其實我最慶幸我還有妳。並如此信仰著愛。唯有在愛中我還能在這被急速企業化私有化的世界中，擁有那麼一絲自由的想望。

關於乳房的重要性。

最煩人的事莫過於想抽煙卻伸手找不著打火機或者紙火柴。為了預防這樣的災難發生我總是在不同背包中未雨稠缪地囤積了兩三支打火機而在喝醉時變成某種友人間有獎徵答的贈品。「如果妳猜對了我目前胯下的意識狀態就送妳這支橘色的小型bic！」禮拜五晚上我們一群新併系而成為的批判環境與社會心理系（critical environmental and social psychology）如此繞口的新鮮博士班組合在十分突兀充滿著五十多歲微胖白人男性的中城東區dive bar，喝著happy hour只有兩塊美金的啤酒整個喝開了。總是對性的話題滔滔不絕的我們這群酷兒心理學生用著幾乎一種統計上的嚴謹來鑑別著情感上和性行為上top和bottom的差別。而我經過團體的審核後是個70%性行為上的top但是95%情感上的bottom總是暗自渴望被對方駕馭著。「不要讓我傷心」在那已經分不清現實或幻想角色中和女友的午後電話性愛腳本，我從試圖兇狠懲罰著出軌的情人還是忍不住退回某種溫弱的角色無法感受憤怒的情緒只有哀傷。無法接受失去的哀傷。但在某種程度上那些總是潛伏著每段戀情下的不安和恐懼，都在性愛想像中的安全範圍內被巧妙地化解成為空氣中無害的不起眼的塵埃。

那些微小宿醉和少睡在被兩根煙和性解決後，我在leslie布魯克林Fort Greene公寓的屋頂喝著白酒並繼續地抽煙。抱著她的擁有跟我相像眉形（友人一致認為）的混血兒小女娃幾乎就要讓我融化。我讀著leslie關於神學/愛情/死亡/精神分析的論文草稿，邊和c和男友討論乳房在精神分析學裡過分重大的角色。對佛洛伊德學派而言乳房是幼兒第一個接觸的社會關係，所以我們在往後的生命中不斷地找尋當初那種主體和客體尚無分別的感受，而去理解愛。乳房是尚未被定型的「我」的一部份，成就了並且讓「我」生存。我想著乳房的形體和觸感並想著若這就是愛情的形狀那其實也相當浪漫。關於愛情：leslie說她這之前的這八年都在一種默認接受著「下班後就想要跟男友窩在沙發上外叫泰國食物並看電視直到睡著」的那種感情，但八年後總算恍然大悟若這就是她人生中所嚮往的最快樂的事那還不如死了算了。我說這不是妳一個人的幻覺，而是這整個壓迫並過度飽和的卻空洞的消費文化都在告訴我們，這是我們儘儘所能奢求並且擁有的。但我們對於生命的索求是還有那麼多那麼多。要成為一個自己所能成為的最真實的自己(authentic self)，以此才能夠不斷地給予投注去愛人的能量，和所愛的人精神上地全面靠近，而不單單只是去索討別人的愛來填補自己空洞的軀殼。對話到這種過度抽象程度的時候我們發覺自己在抽著大麻而背景放著pink floyd的《shine on you crazy diamond》，彷彿即時回到七〇年代的大地有機溫柔感官，只想在這一秒毫無物質枷鎖赤裸地感受愛的形狀和質地，什麼都不再害怕抗拒。相信身體就對了。

it must be the end of summer.

做完一週一次的公寓清掃後妳和女友癱坐在臥房撲滿清潔劑化學物強迫性的味覺中。妳感受到氣氛中的僵直彷彿只要一個微小的動作整座公寓就可以癱瘓淪陷。強大的悲傷感直擊妳們因為似乎沒有更好的方法可以假裝一切如故地繼續下去。妳們理智地半開玩笑地並幾乎 殘 忍 地 談論著分手後該如何處置公寓幾乎全數是合買的傢具（除了妳三個櫃子的書籍），她在紐約的工作，還有妳似乎將變成週末單親狗家長的可能。然後她淺淺笑著說"it's not fair. it seems so much easier for you."也許她並沒有錯。畢竟命名這個危機的人是我而我也就成了這段感情中的罪人。只是我對於突然掌握在我手上這種可以決定一段關係生死的能量感到完全地不知所措。我該怎麼做是不是乾脆切斷自己的欲望神經。妳體內一種幾乎原始的女同志悲劇情感像是隻復甦的獸不斷試探著室外的溫度而想一躍而出。是吧我是如此不切實際我將會孤老而終不能自己。分手的預兆並不只是一個瞬間的決定而掌控了對於未來的預言。

在一個過長的cigarette break間，韓國友人s的遠距韓國女友（一個十足的黃金湯包女同志）打電話來表示她終究是會應和父母的要求而結婚，並問s是否那時候她仍然會在她身邊做她的地下情人。我因為對於這種過於類似韓劇的拖長劇情感到驚嚇而無法繼續任何吸煙的口腔運動，只是看著s說，在一切早有的徵兆外，這真的是該結束的時候了。這一切是不是過於復古，對於我們這兩個不顧一切就和家人 大 出 櫃 的要命酷兒，可以理解卻無法承受一個人選擇如此和自己愛慾生命背道而馳的決定。也許我們都不知不覺地帶著過多美式的自我如此行走，對於這個確實是恐同要命的現實有些扭曲的過於理想主義的詮釋。一早醒來s帶著沈重的黑眼圈說她的女友穿著婚紗在她的夢中出現。

"fuck i think we all need therapy" i said.

書寫者的焦慮。

「藝術界」的朋友總是和我抱怨著感情和創作的關連，在一段穩定的感情關係中創作能量就會減低。我不曉得這個說法是否真的有統計學上負面的相關性，但對於寫作而言，我必須承認我創作能量最高的時候是我感到最悲傷的日子。究竟穩定的感情造了什麼孽？這又是女同志的自憐自艾的悲劇問題嗎？我知道的是在所有的書寫過程中，一開始我並沒有任何特定想要達到的目的，尤其是在寫《一則必要的告解》的時候，我有一個隨身攜帶的筆記本，想到什麼句子什麼段落就抄寫下來，通常是在咖啡廳，在無聊的心理學課堂演講中，或在從別人公寓離開早晨的巴士中。對於十八、十九歲的我，什麼都是新鮮的，性或愛情或失戀或知識或政治。不需要費很大的工夫去結構文字本身，因為那時候寫作的目的純粹是紀錄並且理解生活，並以一個完全是「他者」的身份和一個我不是很熟悉的新世界溝通——幾乎是強迫性的，書寫的需要。

慢慢地好像越來越難書寫了，又不是有上過什麼正式的「小說架構初級」的課程，大學選修藝術歷史的課也是第二個禮拜就開始蹺課（文化研究還比較有趣，都是學術語言的文謅謅對於創作本身我認為只有負面的影響）。書寫於是變成一個更深層的挑戰，像是對自己下的戰帖：「妳究竟還有什麼有趣的事情可說？」在這大多數是重複的、為了眼前馬上要面對的困境而煩惱的世俗生活，從哪裡找到一個神聖的精神空間，好來寫作，如此奢侈的事？

「沒有辦法書寫的時候就努力地生活吧。」某個文學界的長輩如此托夢給我（抽mild seven的詩人）。於是在我以為自己永遠都無法再書寫的時候，我加入了數個政治組織、打了幾場瘋狂的累壞了的戰、經歷了幾段認真的感情、和家人第二十次的出櫃、搬離了一座城市，世界的中心變得完全不同。要維持當時的生活方式其實也是很容易的，尤其現在的交友網站如此發達，我的酷兒朋友無論種族和挑剃程度都可以從OkCupid上每一個禮拜和不同的人約會，但那樣的日子過久了只會變得無感，尤其當妳發現喝醉後寫的故事都只是不斷在重複一個內心相同的欲望。二〇〇八年重新開始的書寫來自許多的憤怒和對未來的不安——而書寫本身並無法解決這些情緒，和從前不同，面對重複的結構性的傷害，無法再依靠書寫來「療傷」。只能從這裡將卑微渺小的生命靠過書寫來擴張，和溝通。期望從這裡能有什麼嶄新的、集體的開始。

結論是我不知道我是否還能寫詩了。回答我的藝術家們。當然也許一個慘痛的分手或者激情的豔遇會加速寫詩的可能。但我得不慌張地等待詩自已來找我，騎著復古腳踏車或者在地下鐵中巧遇。

panopticon

今天的女性心理是我最喜歡的題目：馬克斯女性主義。我讓學生讀Selma James' "Sex, Race, & Class" "Power of Women and the Subversion of Community"，充滿完全的熱誠，三十分鐘的Capitalism 101。學生睡的睡，一發不語。唯一發言的學生說：「資本主義代表著自由以及人權」。究竟是我的問題，還是這個世界的問題？我的學生們在餐飲業和服飾零售業打工，一個小時$7.5塊美金最低時薪，在紐約勉強殘喘生活，拼著一的大學學位所以能做一輩子的廉價勞工。身為非全職講師，我們一小時最多$10塊美金，心理學的行政部對於我們沒有任何責任制度或幫助，只有無盡的監督。這是一個Foucault所說的panopticon--學校的行政階級監督著我而我監督著你，權利在隱形的地方讓我們感到呼吸困能並且被永遠地囚禁。該如何掙脫這個惡性循環？自由的思想如何被肯定？我們的世界究竟差距那麼遠嗎？

我坐著六號地下鐵線逃離上東城的大學。一路上聽著washed out想著這真是一個糟透的世界。

身心俱疲。

(I am sexually frustrated...a great anxiety.)

好累。這一整個月。我感覺一部份的自己還在地中海邊緣的沙岸不想離開。而我的肉體必須完全投入物質的現實。教育組織、馬克斯讀書會、社工工人組織、三個研究計畫、三堂課、兩百五十個學生。心理系的管理部把我們唯有的小辦公室給拆除，改裝成為統計的助教室。我厭惡糟透的工作環境，逼迫我們服從資本主義模式的教學方法。擁有終身職的教授在我背後碎碎念：「妳的心理學理論呢？哼？」我想，對我而言，我的課程內所有的題目都和心理學有關，心理學並不只是實証主義者(positivist)眼中的無聊變數啊！我唯一期待的事物是晚上八點半回到家後完全地停止腦袋地運作。抽一些大麻，一杯紅酒。看著showtime的新影級想著「啊這真具有性別階級意識不如在課堂上放著片子省掉九十分鐘的演講！」或者週末在擠滿全城市酷兒的派對裡喝過多的酒精。感覺疲憊的並不是我的身體，而是用盡所有精神極力抗拒著服從這個壓迫體制讓我成為機械的可能。生命和爭鬥以及思想，無法分離。

is this how it's supposed to be?

it's been two weeks since i am working at the migrant group. i have to say that even though i thought i have some organizing experiences with me, i'm learning a lot. and i wonder why something that has been so hard to deal with back in the US, like privilege politics, racial/gendered relations, seem so easy here. and it's definitely not because this is a nationalist organization in anyway. i'm still figuring out what it is. they are productive, they rarely have conflicts, they are really good at what they do and they create all these fun projects with one another. they do music, theater, they protest, they deal with legal issues in the court. they write stories and then make documentaries. i almost wish i was growing up in the 80s in Taiwan, where things didn't seem as complicated and overwhelmed. there's not as much leftist baggage (except the chinese communist party), you just try different things and see if it works. you start to rally your classmates, and then your co-workers, and you walk to the capital, and you just decide to occupy it because the government officials weren't listening shit. you start to organize because your co-workers' arms are cut off but she only got $1000 from the government and then her whole life is pretty much ruined.

now i wonder if we can really create a tight revolutionary organization where people barely know one another and only know one another through politics. i believe it can happen for some people. but i wonder why there almost always seem to be more conflicts and self-doubts and backstabbing than friendship, care, or even just collective passion for an alternative way of life. if we have to feel policed by our comrades all the time, if our language is too reformist or too soft, then why the hell do this?

i'm really tired and never feel this alone. i feel more alone than the the time before i have my first queer community in the US. because i don't really know what community i belong anymore. i sensor myself everywhere. at home, at school, at work, over email. even in my novel, i cannot write the ending.

存在。

London, yesterday. 50,000 students' riot against educational cuts.

我不覺得我是個軟弱的人但我此刻感到非常的脆弱。決定在回到心理諮商--好像也沒有其他更有想像力的方法？你以為學心理的人會很厲害的幫自己分析壓迫的慾望情緒然後灑脫的嘆口氣說：『阿，這就是人性。』之類的哲學領悟。我也不過是在過分擁擠的課程中，在學校圖書館二樓的書間和猶太女同志的同學商討自己的感情處境。卻在討論明年組織計畫的簡短會議中也可以突然地崩潰。S和C很好的當下停止會議而捲香煙給我。在恐怖充滿不禮貌觀光客中城裡的星巴克前抽煙一邊喝著薑味汽水。身體不停止的發抖。前一分鐘第五大道上才有充滿帝國主義血腥味雄壯威武的老兵遊行，我因為警察管制而無法到十步之外的對街，卻有那麼多的人在揮著美國國旗。而前一秒鐘我們才在課上討論帝國主義和酷兒國族主義的關連。在紐約這個城市中生活每天就是處於在這樣的矛盾之中。或者你興奮的跟媽媽討論你的台灣移工運動的研究計畫，她卻覺得你是激烈分子並且可能會自斷未來研究基金。我做的事很少是完、全、理、智、的。因而也不停犯錯。但再也沒有比那容許自己為了所相信的價值觀而行動下更迷人的關於存在的事了。比如暴動、比如愛戀、比如感受絕望而決心裁斷過去所有的一切。

the edge

When i get stressed i start obsessing with every little thing around me. My phone, the charger, the bedsheets, the plant that looks like it's about to die, hair in the bathroom, the smell in the kitchen sink, the fabric of the couch. Every little thing drives me crazy. I was at this wine and cheese welcoming event at my program. Having to be genuinely interested and interesting for 3 hours was just too difficult of a task to accomplish in my mental stage. It's been a month since i moved to the city, when i just thought everything was getting more comfortable and familiar, i got completely overwhelmed by the number of people around me all the time. I used to have alone time all day, when i was unemployed and applying for school. That solitude made me feel almost too lonely sometimes, but it definitely didn't make me feel like a crazy person with too much repressed anger. So much to learn and observe, to be able to sound excited enough, militant enough, competent enough, smart enough, ambitious enough, empathetic enough. I feel like i'm always catching up every since i came to this freaking country. And the race is definitely not over yet. It is not a marathon, because i don't even know where the endpoint is, if not death. Maybe i need a spiritual leader to tell me that life is not a competition, but why it damn feels like it is all the time. I've subscribed to way too many newsletters to try to understand this world better and forgot to write and reflect. That is what is driving me to the edge and i can see myself wanting to jump in every minute.

this is what i mean when i say queer.

when i say queer i mean, most of the time i feel fucking gay.
when i say queer i mean having sexual fantasies about girls
at the age of 13 and thought i was a human monster, a hermaphrodite, a psycho freak.
when i say queer i mean not even knew that sex was possible,
until i discovered lesbian chat room and was talked dirty
and unpleasantly seduced by an older woman.
when i say queer i mean feeling rejected and being emotionally
shut down in my family for at least 10 years.
when i say queer i mean i did a lot of fucked up things to people i love because i simply did not know how to love myself.
when i say queer i mean my lover committed suicide when i was 17
and i thought about death every day and night for the 3 years after that.

when i say queer i mean i'm not the white power gays who only worry about their cocktail parties, their newly remodeled house, their muscle mass, or their summer exotic southeast asian trips.
when i say queer i mean i struggle to even be recognized as a person with something important to say, because of my skin color, my accent, my gender, my learned defensiveness with most white straight men and my failure
to relate to them or treat their ignorance patiently.
when i say queer i mean strange men yell dyke at me and give dirty looks and threesome jokes when i walk with my lover in the street .
when i say queer i mean i loathed my body because it was too feminine, too masculine, too weak, too small, too awkward, and too foreign.
when i say queer i mean it took me a borderline eating disorder to love my own body.
when i say queer i mean i cried the first time i had sex with a woman because it changed everything i thought about the world.
when i say queer i mean people i love are traumatized by patriarchal violence physically, emotionally, and constantly.
when i say queer i mean i am fed up with being the token lesbian and the token asian and the token immigrant in every space.
when i say queer i mean i am so sick and tired of being polite and politically correct.
when i say queer i mean i am not gonna explain myself anymore.

when i say queer i mean seeing my queer friends find themselves, lose themselves, doubt themselves, risk themselves, and hurt themselves because of shame.
when i say queer i mean fear of not being able to recreate
the sense of community and family we once had.
when i say queer i mean i feel resentful when my straight friends
off to get married one by one. i feel betrayed.
and then i feel powerlessness.

when i say queer it is agony.
it is silence.
it is grief.
but it is also desire.
it is passion.
it is love.

when i say queer it is not about my biology my brain cells my ring finger or aboout social construction or fucked up family dynamics or capitalism or the oppressive human nature.
it is about my life.
when i say i am queer it's not about trendiness or progressiveness or the right consciousness.
it is still about my life.
when i say queer i mean i don't worry about alienating straight folks and being too confrontational, too aggressive, or too shamless.
when i say queer i mean i don't care if the corporates don't get to sell a piece of our oppression.
when i say queer i mean the gay power movement was co-opted by white middle class assimilationists and it's time for us trans folks and queer folks of color to take back the movement.
when i say queer i mean i want to fight alongside other oppressed folks
not because we are all the same but because we have the rights
to live as different as we fucking wish.
when i say queer i need to say it repetitively because our youth are homeless or home beaten up or dissecting themselves with razor blade.
when i say queer i need to say it repetitively because we are divided by borders, by prisons, by hospitals, by marriage.
when i say queer i need to say it repetitively because our trans brothers and sisters are still getting murdered in the street.
when i say queer i need to say it repetitively so it sounds as heavy and urgent as it is.

when i say queer i need to say it loudly and unapologetically
because it is agony.
it is silence.
it is grief.
it is desire.
it is passion.
it is love.

Post-racial soceity? That is white liberals' myth

A climate of campus racism
UCSD & UCLA sit in/occupation
Open Letter to White Student Movement

It turns out that the white supremacists hang out in UC San Diego. Maybe it's because I have been in Seattle for too long, this passive-aggressive city where racism is more subtle, it's hard for me to imagine some people can do such outrageously racist acts near a university campus. But this incident also shows how oppressed people united quickly to respond to the violence. The Black Students Union occupied an administrative building soon after the incident and put out demands for racial justice on campus. Anti-budget cuts activists from UCLA, UC Irvine, and UC Berkeley soon responded by organizing solidarity actions on their campus. March 4th the National Day of Action to Defend Education is coming up. It seems like the movement has a potential to move away from the white liberal occupationist/dance party tendency to a mass movement for racial, gender, and economic justice. As people of color involving in the work that has been dominated by showy white men, we need to keep our demands and presence front and center. The struggle cannot be a mass movement if we don't engage or outreach to women, people of color, queer folks, and folks with disabilities. History has erased us thousands of times and we cannot tolerate to let it happen again.

is it guilt or is it really homophobia?

I feel the urge to write because I'm gonna lose it if I don't.

Sometimes I really feel like I have nothing to say to my family. Because everything I say would just be attacked, rejected, or I would reveal too much about myself. And the thought of it is really, really frightening. "What have I done wrong? I never beat you or punish you," my mom says, "you never wanted to tell us about it since you were 13." I didn't say anything back. I don't know why I have always scared of my parents. They are always so serious. I don't remember ever having fun with them. The society's homophobia, of course, also made me feel like I'd be the worst daughter if I told them I was gay, especially when I was that young. "You never gave us chance. We always found out when bad things happened," she says. It is true. They have known about it for a long time. But there was no acceptance. There were doubts, verbal attacks, and financial control. But I don't want to talk to my mom about this again. It's simply too fucking hurtful. I can't believe that she doesn't remember it anymore, her and dad, asking me to choose whether if I want to be their daughter and be supported throughout college or I keep being homosexual and be disowned. Maybe I never forgive them about what they said then. Maybe they wouldn't even acknowledge that they threatened me that way, or they forced me to break up with my girlfriend, one after another.

And now, she's pushing me to open up again. But I feel so uncertain if I should tell her anything anymore. Maybe she's trying to save our relationship because she knows that I can and will be very, very far away. When I look at her serious face, I only have an unquantifiable amount of fear, and guilt.

The workplace is crazy, not the workers: In Soo Chun's suicide and memorial

A former Korean custodian, In Soo Chun, self-immolated on Red Square at UW on October 30 last year.

I was only several feet away inside a building while him pouring gasoline all over himself and lit himself alive. My co-worker walked into the office and was completely in shock. He said to me, "there was a man on fire outside." I could not believe it. We walked out and saw helicopters and firetrucks and knew it was probably true. I learned about his story a year after from his coworkers. They said In Soo Chun was a hard-working man but was facing arbitrary transfers from the manager and was eventually terminated by the custodian services two months prior to his death.

There was no explanation from the UW administration or the media except that he was perhaps a "troubled man." His death left a ton of questions for people who witnessed the traumatic event, for his coworkers, for this public institution. The workers and us planned this memorial for him--not only to remember him but also to seek answer to the questions he left for us. Right now, workers on campus are still facing the same workplace harassment and unjust labor practices he faced. We were all wondering, who is gonna be the next among us to go crazy?

Some people walked by and said we were not being respectful for politicizing his death. While i understand that processing death and trauma can be a very private matter, I also believe that it's the individualization of the process that aggravate the degrees of grief and trauma. I've experienced the pain of suicide from someone I was very intimate with. And I wish there were someone to explain to me why people would decide to take their own lives away all of a sudden. I wrapped myself in a limbo and nothing had really resolved during those years. The individual process of grieving almost pushed me to the edge of killing myself, might as well. If I didn't devote my energy into writing, into studying psychology, understanding mental illness, I would not be able to recover from that trauma then.

That's why I think, it was important for us to gather the community, together seek answers for In Soo Chun's death. We would probably never be able to find them, because suicide is such a psychologically complex behavior by its own. But the meaning of this incident for us is concrete. The community that this event brought together was concrete. Even though I did not have chance to get to know this man, I would like to honor him with the actions against injustice on this campus where he chose to die.


In Soo Chun Memorial Video

On Seattle Times

軟耳朵，硬骨頭。

我最近感覺非常脆弱。一些無關要緊的話或者意見都可以把我拆成碎片。總是在這樣的時刻我發覺我還有大半的自我是建立在別人的肯定上。要怎麼樣才能超越這樣的思想狀態呢？

十點上床，七點醒來。十點在solstice。每天，盯著十吋的電影不斷修改三種版本的研究所申請文章。把自己的身分扒開再裝飾。誰在乎妳是什麼移民酷兒有色人種呢？這幾年的困境可以用兩頁的word document說清楚嗎。我們每天面對的自我懷疑，即使只是幾分鐘的不悅，在這種沒有多少人性的篩選過程一一曝光乾淨。沉著。沉著。每次快要焦慮爆發的時候就開始寫中文字。為什麼我這麼害怕犯錯？誰又是我想像中的審判員？

Lindsay在舊金山參加一場家庭婚禮。我不習慣沒有她在身邊。尤其當我覺得焦慮的時候，總是希望她可以用她治療師的語調告訴我，I know you can get through this。


關於博士班以外的人生選項：

１留在西雅圖工作並和女朋友搬進一間單人套房。
２搬去舊金山寫女同志小說。
３心理治療師培訓。
４回台灣做心理研究助理或自殺防治熱線。
５唆使JM和我搬去中國搞社會運動。


我想我會沒事的！即使目前所有的替代選項都在加速我會變成硬核革命份子的傾向，也算是好的一面。

the hardest thing to say

My family visited me in Seattle from Taiwan last weekend- i was freaking out about it a month before they arrived. I missed them but i was afraid to see them because i felt there's so much about my life here i had to hide. My organizing, my politics, my future, my girlfriend, and everything about my queerness. We were collectively creating this illusion that i'm not queer. I played along with this game because i was so traumatized when i told them the truth- 3 times. And hiding has never been a healthy method for me to deal with difficult situations. I sought help from friends and ex-boss therapist and decided that i needed to come clean to them someday next year because it was apparent that this illusion is not working anymore for any of us. Well maybe my dad.

It was great to see my little sister though. She's grown and understands the complexity of family dynamics. In Chicago we had a great conversations about kids in her age, about sex, about dad and mom, as well as my queerness. I can't wait till her to be older so we can nurture this friendship more.

I actually felt quite relieved when i decided i just needed to tell them who i really am, even though it might come with a lot of anger, sorrow, pain, blaming, and punishment. I hate how this is what most queer folks need to deal with- choosing the kind of life we want or the kind of life our family want. It's especially hard for the kind of family we have because respect and family tie are very very important values. I am not running away from home and say fuck you guys you just don't understand. I want them to know that i'm queer but i still love them and i wanna go through this with them. I'm in a wonderful relationship and working towards my future plan and i think, i do make good decisions for myself now. I want them to know all about this and trust me as a responsible adult. I just need to be in a solid place so i can bear a few months or years of family agony and not collapse. And i think i will be okay.

Busted! Military Spy in Washington Anti-War Groups

Democracy Now! Broadcast Exclusive: Declassified Docs Reveal Military Operative Spied on WA Peace Groups, Activist Friends Stunned

Newly declassified documents reveal that an active member of Students for a Democratic Society and Port Militarization Resistance in Washington state was actually an informant for the US military. The man everyone knew as “John Jacob” was in fact John Towery, a member of the Force Protection Service at Fort Lewis. The military’s role in the spying raises questions about possibly illegal activity. The Posse Comitatus law bars the use of the armed forces for law enforcement inside the United States. The Fort Lewis military base denied our request for an interview. But in a statement to Democracy Now!, the base’s Public Affairs office publicly acknowledged for the first time that Towery is a military operative. “This could be one of the key revelations of this era,” said Eileen Clancy, who has closely tracked government spying on activist organizations.