無須曖昧。

小狗max不在的這個禮拜我適應著公寓的絕對沈靜。和友人s在東村地下室隱秘的sake bar臨時約了喝酒，像是好久沒見面深沈惆悵地談著彼此感情的狀態。我說我再也無法理解曖昧的意義了，因為曖昧總是為了終究需要執行的上床，而上床若是沒有感情，又顯得過度無關痛癢地失去必要真實發生的價值。這一切一切的推演下來就更徹底推翻了曖昧之必需。卡在兩段感情之中的s嘆了口氣像是無法反駁地說：「真不知道妳究竟是個極致地現實者，還是痴情者。我卻兩者都不信。」我想是因為此刻感到精神和情感的部分被完完全全扎實地照料守護著，因此再無需靠著那些小遊戲來驗證自身存在感和被慾望的價值。整個週末我的心情被糾結在那凍僵的雙人床上，徹夜靠著女友越洋的聲音取暖。一些尚未被完整代謝的分手情緒，直到和s隔著極度親密距離的小木桌，自己一一地像是個盡職的諮商師分析坦然後，就像是亂了又被擺齊的公寓得到那些微小卻重要的生活該有的和平。

「那是一個好的並且必要的分手。」她說。我們在吹著冷風的紐約夜晚帶著暖暖的酒意依靠著滿是塗鴉的酒吧外圍牆壁抽菸。

it must be the end of summer.

做完一週一次的公寓清掃後妳和女友癱坐在臥房撲滿清潔劑化學物強迫性的味覺中。妳感受到氣氛中的僵直彷彿只要一個微小的動作整座公寓就可以癱瘓淪陷。強大的悲傷感直擊妳們因為似乎沒有更好的方法可以假裝一切如故地繼續下去。妳們理智地半開玩笑地並幾乎 殘 忍 地 談論著分手後該如何處置公寓幾乎全數是合買的傢具（除了妳三個櫃子的書籍），她在紐約的工作，還有妳似乎將變成週末單親狗家長的可能。然後她淺淺笑著說"it's not fair. it seems so much easier for you."也許她並沒有錯。畢竟命名這個危機的人是我而我也就成了這段感情中的罪人。只是我對於突然掌握在我手上這種可以決定一段關係生死的能量感到完全地不知所措。我該怎麼做是不是乾脆切斷自己的欲望神經。妳體內一種幾乎原始的女同志悲劇情感像是隻復甦的獸不斷試探著室外的溫度而想一躍而出。是吧我是如此不切實際我將會孤老而終不能自己。分手的預兆並不只是一個瞬間的決定而掌控了對於未來的預言。

在一個過長的cigarette break間，韓國友人s的遠距韓國女友（一個十足的黃金湯包女同志）打電話來表示她終究是會應和父母的要求而結婚，並問s是否那時候她仍然會在她身邊做她的地下情人。我因為對於這種過於類似韓劇的拖長劇情感到驚嚇而無法繼續任何吸煙的口腔運動，只是看著s說，在一切早有的徵兆外，這真的是該結束的時候了。這一切是不是過於復古，對於我們這兩個不顧一切就和家人 大 出 櫃 的要命酷兒，可以理解卻無法承受一個人選擇如此和自己愛慾生命背道而馳的決定。也許我們都不知不覺地帶著過多美式的自我如此行走，對於這個確實是恐同要命的現實有些扭曲的過於理想主義的詮釋。一早醒來s帶著沈重的黑眼圈說她的女友穿著婚紗在她的夢中出現。

"fuck i think we all need therapy" i said.

might as well enjoy the chaos.

Dr.E有張非常親切鄰家的臉，總是穿著剪裁良好的腰身西裝外套和配套的西裝褲，眨著眼在接待室帶我走過長廊到她暗橘色燈的諮商室。她將椅子拉向我非常非常地近：「這個禮拜一切都好嗎？」充滿母愛並具有專業性的關懷眼神。我開始懷疑我看心理師和上心理博士班的底層動機是不是都是為了同一個原因--尋找具有權威性的母愛關懷？其實也沒有甚麼好說的。意外多出來的五天假期讓我覺得生命並沒有那麼糟糕。至少我還可以享受一些最基本的娛樂，比如美食、比如浪漫喜劇片、比如公園和陽光、比如一些關於感情最最基本幾乎客套的對話。Dr.E迫切地說：「但是，那麼妳呢？妳需要的是甚麼？」我可以明確回答關於Kurt Lewin's Field Theory和W.E.B DuBouis社會心理理論跟馬克斯和法農的關連，或者例舉十個以上可以值得我留在紐約這個城市的理由和十個我為什麼想離開的原因，卻在當下完全無法回答Dr.E這個看似會在lifetime電影連續出現的second wave女性主義問題。

我到底需要的是什麼？。

我們跳到關於我和我父親的關係。Dr.E對於我和我父親沈默並抽離的關係非常的有興趣。我已經可以想像到分析的結論是，我在感情中不斷尋找對我冷淡的對象，是為了試圖彌補我父親從小到大無法預測的暴怒以導致的距離感。我想到關於我為何不、斷、地、在為了離開我或從我生命終消失的人負責。這些罪惡感和焦慮是可以擺脫的嗎。這樣的重複著的感情模式。

我想念西雅圖的朋友。想念我們就這麼聚在solstice後院抽著煙死不買咖啡的談著天下所有的事。取代那個自然的療癒環境的是研究方法課後在八樓學校餐廳的小聚會。N會告訴我她在她的樂團表演完後和22歲的女生在大排長龍的女廁裡醉得要命的makeout的糗事，然後以替我分析brooklyn女同志圈的市場，偶爾上去okcupid女同志交友網站寄給沒有機會約會的對象莫名其妙的訊息，然後我會鼓勵她和五年級的學姊上床。她取笑我說：才三個月紐約就讓妳有了第一個危機。妳可以想像未來的五年會有多荒唐嗎？

噢我可不想想像。

the last session-heading back to a sort of pan-eastern philosophy

That morning i went to see my therapist and felt ready to end the whole thing, not because all issues have been resolved but because i felt i could start handling these conflicts in a less self-destructive way.

I spent a great weekend, could not have been better, with lindsay and her family at long beach. Her mom reminded me so much of my mom, the seriousness thus was translated into a kind of warmth. I was so happy to feel accepted by a family, especially her family. There was a kind of bitter sweet sadness coming out when i was there, because i wish i was closer to my family like lindsay to hers. I wish they could take me and the people i care as the people they care. Maybe love means to hold all the conflicts together while still seeing the sign of the subtle tenderness and desire to be close. I wish they could understand it.

I am still anxious and afraid of losing, losing people, losing confidence, losing hope, losing the sense of purpose and the place i stand in this fucking bizarre world. My therapist said things always go wrong when we fall into the binary trap, seeing there's either success or failure. What i need to work on is to find a solid, center place in myself that can hold these conflicts together and know that i do not have to choose to be either way; to love my family or to be queer, to get into school or become or a complete failure; to be burnt out from organizing or become a hypocrite; to be have a flawless relationship or die alone; to be caught in the past or neglect what happened and move on with a lie.

Maybe things will be okay. Truth is, no one has left me yet. I always need to come back here and do a reality check knowing that most of my stress comes from these anxious anticipations of some sort of unrepairable destruction. When things are going so well there must be something bad thats gonna happen soon--growing up as a chinese kid we learned how to be modest about life, taking as little space as possible. Now i'm learning to be bold but also be ready for any consequences possible and knowing that whatever happens i will not fall. Or that maybe it's okay to fall a couple times. I wanna experience what it feels like to be on the ground and appreciate the taste of soil and sand in my scratched palms.

I feel strong, vulnerable, yet hopeful about whats coming next.

Therapy, first day.

I was sitting in the waiting room completely fascinated by the noise machine and the warm deadliness in the whole floor. It was 10am and there was only one white girl sitting next to me, browsing the New Yorker like she didn't care. I didn't even see what she looked like, only the paleness and frailness. And i was anxious. Anxious about what i should say and what i should not. But my therapist was this tall warm woman, came up to me asking if i was wen (the entire time i was thinking if i was her first Asian client). She asked me if i wanted some hot tea and automatically liked her just that much more.

The office was awesome. Bright and green and warm and the window covered the entire wall. No tribal decorations or pictures of starving black kids. I was relieved.

She said you must be anxious because i'm a complete stranger to you now. I felt all prepared by some HBO therapy tv show and 4 year of college psychology course and a psychologist mom and a social worker girlfriend! In this way it's actually good that she is a complete stranger. I felt really scattered about my personal history and sometimes i couldn't remember or articulate what happened especially during my high school time in seattle. I remember it was probably the most depressed period of my life so everything seemed so stale and static. Part of me really resisted revisiting it. I thought i had already done all the healing and analyzing and introspecting and so sealed it in a box and buried it under my bed. My memory of 17 was a blank and lots of dates and calorie counts. She asked me how long has it been since Anne was gone i didn't have that number in my mind only 2004. I said August 2004.

I think whats good about therapy is that you could hand something you've been occupied with temporarily to the therapist so you don't obsess it over the day and night, knowing that someone will go through the trauma or stress or obstacle with you. Even though after all the shit is still mine and i am the one who has to take all the consequences, it's good feeling that someone is bridging the gaps from irrational destructive thoughts to the possibility of healing.

二手菸。惡夢。心理治療

其實我幾乎都不抽煙了，每天還是在solstice後面陽台的座位喝咖啡唸書，吸著別人的二手煙。

惡夢。我發覺我惡夢的促使者是咖啡因沒錯。一晚醒來兩次，出軌的鏡頭，分不清夢裡頭的女人究竟是誰。或許是誰也都無所謂，壓抑的慾望和恐懼慣於巧妝表面的模樣。張開眼睛看著女朋友在旁邊睡得安穩，於是安心。若是我能夠發明專屬的安眠藥或肌肉鬆弛劑，我要一種藥可以一吞下去就聽見她睡前用吉他彈著bizzare love triangle這首歌的聲音。

我終於約了第一次的心理治療約談。不曉得為什麼緊張的要命。