山城｜二十七

二十七歲。只想在沒有雜音的山腳，靜靜迎接未來交付于我的課題。今年的我們，和兩年前在同一個小城，已經有多大的不同，不需要再焦急地黏膩地親吻。在牽著手的彎曲小巷中，我們早就確切地被這些溫暖的老房給記著。再給我們最後一點點時間犯錯。再給我們最後一點點時間浪和漢耍賴。接下來的日子需要去證明的不再是愛情，而是能夠承擔得起兩個人的生活。

holiday sentiment

holiday適合重看三年來統整的心愛電影 適合使用eco-friendly的燈飾佈置家裡 適合養殖小聖誕樹並不刻意歌頌jesus christ 適合eggnog加rum加scotch加whiskey on the rocks  適合以google關鍵字搜尋"hipster holiday music"並且準備暗黑派對遊戲 適合與情人一天在早晨做愛並在brunch之後再打一砲騰出晚餐的胃 適合和城市的眾人在last minute擠進市場採買派對食材 適合在中國城的飲茶店上演情侶吵架 適合收到四面八方酷兒伴侶的家庭合照 適合在喝醉時打越洋電話回家報平安然後終於放下矜持說"我想你們"

平凡而欠缺的場域

離開窄小悶濕的台北公寓，被女友偷渡回台中老家，做一些鍋碗瓢盆的小事。生活中的快樂那麼簡單卻又難得，有時候不過就是巷口茶店令人熟悉的奶茶香，或者是老屋木頭踩過安穩的聲音，兩個大人擠在小孩時的小小床，四隻腳都露在床的邊緣之外，像是房間附屬的兩隻大玩偶，笨拙卻溫暖的包裹著彼此的身體。

身體／公寓

經歷了一個極度疲憊但充實的週末與台北和北京來的同運朋友搏感情。因為看了關於中國同志家長的電影而想到許多和家庭的事。我感覺過了這麼久我仍是陷在一種害怕被閹割的情結之中，對於母親，抗拒著顯露脆弱。精神在最低點。提不起勁做任何事。公寓跟著我的無力一點一低的在損壞：從客廳壞掉的燈泡、廚房水槽堵塞、臥房的暖氣雜音，有時候我想要跟著這些傢具電氣一起放棄。可以麼？我似乎是在公寓中待了太久而裡頭的每個細節都變成是自己的身體臟器，發出需要被疼愛的哀嚎。在必需轉換心情而穿上大衣外出抽煙時，N傳簡訊來：「我被甩了，之前不愛我的女生也剛被甩了，我想這世界還算有點天理！」我們吃著甘藍薯片，全素優葛，和熱巧克力，聊著紐約女同志市場femme的明顯優勢，中產不中產，若是有單獨的rent control公寓那就更好了！最好在公園旁的五個街區之內，歡迎寵物，對面有賣著手工自製penut butter或者全素蜂蜜的有機超市——噢這條列沒有止盡的伴侶公寓政治。而N熱心地透過音樂界的network幫我的女友找適合的研究所，籌劃著比我心裡想著要把女友護照衝進馬桶還要更精密的長期綁架計畫。和這紐約土生土長的傢伙抱怨著城市的寂寞，心裡的空洞似乎就被靜靜地填滿，不能完全，從來不能完全，但至少能被支撐著再運轉下去一陣。

那些甜蜜而沈重之事。

要離開台北回到台中的那個清晨非常急促地醒來。在妳那一關上窗簾就像是隨手的深夜般的房間之中，我多想一直被滯留在那太過美好的五天。在有妳的吻夜晚入睡醒來。無需特別做些什麼就感到飽滿並快樂。我在和妳道別後在南下的高鐵上窩著妳在我頸肩手肘留下的香水，和著妳慣有的早晨鬆餅般的體香中安穩睡著了。從此開始無論到了哪個城市關於有妳的記憶是註定一直跟著我。甜蜜而沈重。即使是在這我過於熟悉的城市區塊，那些再通俗不過的場景，騎樓下亂擺的大學生模特車或者是擁有一致油煙和奶油味的早餐店，都覺得需要有妳的出席才算是完整。

一回家第一件事便是領了常用藥和維他命B群。家人說我看起來氣色相當地好。只不過是瘦了些。想到妳這幾晚心疼我總是運轉在某種過度緊繃的生活之下的那件事，都覺得想流淚。我已經太過想妳。

孤獨／社群

對於孤單這件事情變得相當擅長。整個感恩節假期幾乎像是生理需要的將自己冬眠在家裡趕著堆積如山的計劃截止進度。整個東村都是空的，沒有車也沒有路人地那麼反常。除了感恩節當天早上在The Bean咖啡廳裡一群沒地方去的吵鬧NYU白人大學生，發表著對於民主黨的見解，我非常喜愛這樣沈靜的美式家庭假期中的紐約，像是我一個人的。想著L在她那三十多人的華裔美國人大型家庭聚會，難免想念某種被融入於什麼「文化」中的參與感，即使我知道我總是在那友善距離感的家庭溫馨假象中感到更加地格格不入，那是關於酷兒也是關於移民的無限惆悵感，在這樣的假期中被更加地放大，被那無盡的加州大型mall的購物行程，或者某種美國知識份子中產階級家庭的舞台劇文藝活動。而我，今年，在吃完極度豐盛的北京友人親自下廚弄的麻辣鍋後很不爭氣地病了，身體像是罷工一樣，只想要被無盡地寵愛。忘了誰問的：「感恩節究竟要謝誰呢？」若是這是美國人對於殖民暴力的表象歉意，那我們更加應該重建它的意義。即是因為越漸年長對於「社群」的概念越加薄弱了，我還是那麼心存感激，這群可以從手相聊到中國文化定位聊到全民健保聊到蕭雅軒的朋友，或者拿著火雞粥和檸檬薑茶來探病並不能自己地辯論起左派共產主義組織可能的朋友。社群就是如此，是一種張力，將妳的生活有時擴大有時深入，即使當妳是物理上孤獨的時候，那力量支撐著妳，讓妳不至於被自己時來的情緒死角擊敗或崩毀。

倒數計時模式開啓。

總是為了預防並減緩焦慮造成的後果而過著某種相當嚴謹的生活。週日：八點半睜開眼，開啓美國全國公共廣播電台NPR聽著新聞醒來，關於戰爭以及失業的頭條報導總讓尚未完全清醒的我以為我們仍在1920年代末期。九點半快速沖好澡帶著正確無誤的零錢到同一家巷口的咖啡廳買八盎斯豆乳拿鐵。在電腦桌前工作每五十分鐘起身休息。花剛好七分鐘的時間抽完一支american spirit香煙。平均腳程九分鐘從公寓走到主要地鐵幹線。睡前休息時間看一段關於中央情報局陰謀、中東戰爭、精神強迫症的影集。一點上床閱讀東亞酷兒研究期刊。兩點像是斷電般地睡去。

總在壓力過大的時候想到一輩子勞碌命的母親。想到她從小到大都不帶著特別感情地，也不特別斥責而是非常客觀地告訴我：「妳還可以再更認真。」直到現在水瓶座的她（隱射：擁有自認為理所當然而旁人無法理解的邏輯），仍會在電話中帶著玩笑地說著，我的太過完美主義或者理想主義，我只是不明白她如何能夠不曉得她如此深層地影響著我人格的種種，好的壞的。總是處於一種比起年輕時經濟環境相當差的父母，自己的生活過於容易，而非以最快速度完成人生必經階段的焦慮之中。其實我曉得許多我的感情痛苦或者移民生活的磨損，他們理解卻不能夠真正體會。我們在不同的年代成長而有時失去了翻譯對彼此同理心的能力。於是在女友整個週末忙碌完畢總算能好好說話的夜晚覺得無盡地脆弱，而將這些不能夠被懂得的情緒宣泄出來。得到疼愛之後又能夠像是上油的機械重新正常的運轉起來。一邊聽著訪問跨性小孩This American Life的電台訪播，準備著下週Human Sexuality的課程想著如何對抗系上傳統學派教授的教評，一邊不時看著一對男同志情侶做的時尚部落格cup of couple，想像女友和自己可以考慮朝著實驗這類媒介的女同版本發展。也許我真的可以再更認真。但正是慾望讓我前進。

在電話中聽見另一頭的政論節目而因為某種現世感意外地讓妳感到安心。

因為多年不見的老友alex來紐約探訪太過開心於是不管已經喝了整整一個禮拜的酒，還是走去小巷口的雜貨商店買了一打的new castle。原本以為我將滔滔不絕地闡述著自己感情的事，但事實上只要見到面了也覺得不需要多說些什麼，因為在那些奇異時辰參雜著過多城市時差的電話中也都哭過了講爛了。現實其實不過是那麼平凡單調，還不是一樣要調配餵狗的時間或者房租的分配。然後接下來L就真的要走了。打包了一個出國旅行箱大小的行李，剩下的就是，我和自己安靜的生活，以及某種單親狗家長令人憂心的狀況。她的過度理智讓我想說一些話卻也不知道該說什麼。只是沈默冷靜並且儘速將自己抽離狀況的那麼陌生。快接近十二點時wendy從上西城坐著計程車帶著紅酒的醉意也來了，我們抽了一些大麻然後這個一直強調跟我完全不像的雙子巨蟹女人大談著自己最近的分手。wendy說你知道有時候我們都有那麼多義正言辭的理由，但是到頭來就是感情變了，這種事情並不能用邏輯或者科學來解決的那麼主觀。我也不曉得為什麼能從這個話題跳脫到共產主義的話題。大概是因為她最近開始投入房地產業而alex和女友對於從蒙古peace corps回來而一事無成感到相當的無力。反正我講開了什麼都可以怪罪給社會結構或者就是這個糟透的世界，包括家人對我們感情的意見，我們過度嚴厲的母親還有充滿距離感的父親，或甚至是我究竟為什麼會在美國這個令人有強大矛盾感的國家。我們的人性什麼時候才能發揮它的無盡潛能呢。當然我知道馬克斯會說些什麼但當時的我只感到哀傷。

必須收心的早晨我盯著和O教授約好要合寫的關於conlifct & aggression的心理學教材課本，卻一直只想找一些佛洛依德對於aggression和性慾的見解。這個年代究竟還有誰在關心精神分析學派？我和我過度小眾的理論讓我憂心自己前途的和gchat線上的準博士好友J聊了一下關於選擇論文題目的話題。究竟要不要做酷兒的東西還是做了其他的再將酷兒帶進？畢竟，這個市場可能比較需要假裝理解勞動組織或者性別階級結構的人而不是酷兒文化的角色。是不是酷兒文化對我而言將一直成為一種支持我生命的周邊而不是職業的項目？也許這樣也好。我看著指導教授丟給我的那份紐約-洛杉磯-上海來回的勞動組織工作相當動心。而其實我只是一心想要跟所愛的人更加靠近。「妳究竟是在挑戰些什麼呢？」y問妳而妳也無法回答。只知道在聽到她的聲音時候仿佛許多令人焦慮的戰戰兢兢的未來事物都被推翻並讓妳在那當下被溫柔地融化。妳們隔著電話因為想要跟彼此更加靠近地柔軟呻吟而那過度相近的頻率讓妳幾乎就忘了自己和妳由於某種偏執的完美主義所設下的任何現實枷鎖。妳是如此地敞開。

to exist.

「妳因為出生於中產階級家庭沒有太多現實包袱，所以過於理想主義。」活到二十五歲原來這是我母親對我的理解。而問題在於？「我擔心妳學不會折衷所以會傷很慘。」她說。究竟是不是一件壞事，沒有中間值的這個個性。誰也說不準。對於理論、對於喜好、對於感情，如此極端。我只相信每個人在這世界上都有自己需要精準扮演的角色，和非經驗不可的事物。有一部份的人必將建築而有一部份的人必將毀滅，於是這個世界才能不停地運轉下去。如馬克斯所說，這是一個相對的社會關係。而也許我就是注定成為一個歹性子橫衝直撞並且過度依賴感覺的人，建築了許多也毀滅了許多。我也不是沒有嘗試妥協，但全部的直覺都在鞭策驅使我走向另外一條崎嶇的道路。有時候我感覺也許自己是一個在肛門期沒有被完整訓練好的人，所以對於pleasure和perfection過度地執著。感受歡愉的時候覺得罪惡，並永遠追求著完美。但完美是什麼。我總覺得我要的不多。不過就是和我愛的人一起，讀書寫字創作生活，盡力地在這殘缺的世界中感受快樂，去理解它的不完美和某種物種必死的命運(mortality)。也許卸下馬克斯女性主義政治生活的實踐，我的本質是一個究極的存在主義者。如沙特所說：existence proceeds essence／存在先於本質。只有先感受了才能理解意義。讓意識自由吧，讓思想自由，以自己可能最誠實的方式生活下去，並且去愛。

我愛妳而那讓我感受存在。

bottom up mind shift

Since 2010, there are a few significant changes in my life:

1. My relationship with my family, especially my mom, has drastically changed. I still can't comprehend what CONCRETELY that looks like. But i already feel the warmth and openness from both her and myself. I feel like I am finally not running away from them anymore.

2. I believe that revolution is necessary in order to change the lives of the oppressed. What I mean by revolution is a class struggle from below. Yes, social service is important, but it cannot change the structural violence that causes many of us to end up there for support in the first place. Yes, workshops are good. But you can only raise awareness and educate people to a certain extent. Folks don't learn through being what to do or what not to do by others. Folks learn through fighting for our own living.

3. I have an awesome partner who supports all of these things I believe in not only emotionally but physically. This has freed me from the myth that i need to have a middle class lifestyle in order to live happily in my life. I cannot verbalize what a radical change it really is in my mind. But it really is. Love after all is really almost spiritual in a way. It's not about what kind of house we will be living in or what kind party we will throw. I feel secure, content, and excited about what we have and what's gonna come in the near future.

FUCK I AM TOTALLY OUT TO MY FAMILY

And I'm still alive. My mom is still alive. No one killed anyone. It went fine.

10 years of fear and agony are suddenly resolved in a 10 minute conversation. I think we were all dying to talk about this. The hardest part was to overcome my own guilt and defensiveness. I meant to communicate with them but I was just too afraid. Too afraid that I have built up my defense walls for so long that they could not open me up anymore. But I decided that it was the time for me to change my relationship with my mom. I know if I didn't do it then I probably would not do it for another 10 years. She said, you are an adult now, and whatever you choose to do, it's your own responsibility. That's exactly what I wanted to hear from her.

One more layer of homophobia is torn apart, in my personal life at least. Just wait to see how much energy I have now to fight against the rest.

is it guilt or is it really homophobia?

I feel the urge to write because I'm gonna lose it if I don't.

Sometimes I really feel like I have nothing to say to my family. Because everything I say would just be attacked, rejected, or I would reveal too much about myself. And the thought of it is really, really frightening. "What have I done wrong? I never beat you or punish you," my mom says, "you never wanted to tell us about it since you were 13." I didn't say anything back. I don't know why I have always scared of my parents. They are always so serious. I don't remember ever having fun with them. The society's homophobia, of course, also made me feel like I'd be the worst daughter if I told them I was gay, especially when I was that young. "You never gave us chance. We always found out when bad things happened," she says. It is true. They have known about it for a long time. But there was no acceptance. There were doubts, verbal attacks, and financial control. But I don't want to talk to my mom about this again. It's simply too fucking hurtful. I can't believe that she doesn't remember it anymore, her and dad, asking me to choose whether if I want to be their daughter and be supported throughout college or I keep being homosexual and be disowned. Maybe I never forgive them about what they said then. Maybe they wouldn't even acknowledge that they threatened me that way, or they forced me to break up with my girlfriend, one after another.

And now, she's pushing me to open up again. But I feel so uncertain if I should tell her anything anymore. Maybe she's trying to save our relationship because she knows that I can and will be very, very far away. When I look at her serious face, I only have an unquantifiable amount of fear, and guilt.

媽媽打電話來擔心我加入恐佈組織。

「聖誕節炸機的那個人就是去了倫敦後被影響然後變成恐怖份子的。」我一再強調，現在做的勞工運動，是跟學校結合並且多半是由學生以及和大學雇用的工人組成的獨立組織。我並不是被任何黨派吸收，也對黨派政治沒有一點興趣。「蔡英文當時也不知道自己會成為民進黨主席。」她說。沒錯，我們是在挑戰學校行政。沒錯，我們在做以行動為主的街頭運動。但是我們訴求以非暴力的群體運動來達到訴求，並沒有任何不可告人的秘密會議計畫或者炸彈埋伏。我了解去年做巴勒斯坦及中東團結運動的時候，很容易被恐怖主義聯想在一起。但那正是我們要擊破的激進的有色人種行動主義者都是不理智恐怖份子的種族歧視謊言。若是訴求合理開放的教育或者安全的工作環境，都被視為異想天開的後青少年反叛或者恐怖主義，那我想我們乾脆圍起i-5高速公路在上頭跳集體大腿舞罷了。為什麼想要有任何社會改變的想法會被當作那麼不理智的人生選擇呢？反陳雲林的抗爭遊行，我爸好歹也去了。他們出生於戒嚴的時代，比我這一九八七年出生的人還經歷過更多波的民主運動。他們醫師教授教授同軰的小孩，現在也一個個學成歸國，準備考後醫系或者進大公司當經理。也許對於他們而言，那才是所謂的理想人生。擁有一個移民的女同志行動主義者，不想當醫師也不想當律師，懶得討好領導階層的人，更不用說會去做競選立法委員這種違背良心的事的女兒，也許真是個心理的負擔吧。

a potential ally sister, maybe that's the point of the dream.

I have a dream last night that my sister has two lesbian friends who are a couple. The cute kind. 17 years old. They both look kind of androgynous, like they are neither boys nor girls. Just two lesbians who hang out on the roof top and smoke cigarettes and probably will never grow older, or taller. I am not actively involved in the dream except that my sister delivers the new Japanese Men's Non-No to me at night. I don't know what the point of the dream is until my dad comes into my room one night, throwing out all my Japanese Men's Non-Nos and giving me this dirty look like he knows what I really am, or that my sister's friendship with these two cute lesbians are is my fault.

In the morning while I turned on the radio and made tea, I realized how much guilt and anxiety I still have about my queerness when I think of my family. I'm glad that on top of all the stresses of being a teenage girl my sister understands and accepts me. I really don't know where I was going about writing down this dream. But it seems to sum up my unanalyzable feelings so far.

[day 8]速食的享受以及緩慢的和平。

昨晚被逢甲的人潮混亂完全地給淹沒了。街道中充斥著不同層次的粗糙複製感。象徵巴勒斯坦團結的keffiyeh像豹紋圍巾一般被拍賣成一條五十塊的冬日保暖物。我在夾雜在吃鹽酥雞的大學生、大陸觀光客、和表情僵硬的老外的小巷之中，懷疑起自己的存在。見到connie和mego才放鬆起來。有女朋友有有女朋友的困擾，沒有伴也有沒有伴的困擾。這個年代即使有美國學歷也是無法找到決定性的良好工作。而為什麼這麼多T都上電視拍沙龍照了，我們還要為無害的感情以及家庭的包袱感到無助呢。我想著我對家的距離感和這種無解恐同的必要關係。我也想要牽妳的手在雜亂的小巷中喝珍珠綠茶或者吃耶誕情人大餐。回家時身體疲憊不堪，但是我的身體仍是不放棄地想念她。慾望臃腫，我在僵硬的床墊上無法入睡。我想念我們在西雅圖時那樣的簡單，在咖啡廳讀一個早上的書。下著雨也無所謂，我們在深木的小公寓中和窗邊的盆栽一塊平地生活。在床上臉頰碰臉頰。妳的鼻息是我夢境的節奏。

existence.

My body must have freaked out by the sunshine and warmth in long beach, california- 80 degrees winter. And all the turkey on Thanksgiving and the never ending leftovers. I love leftovers. I think microwaves are perhaps the greatest invention of the 20th century. I felt grateful to be invited to spend this holiday with Lindsay's family- a close 2nd and 3rd Chinese American family that eats 油飯 (Lao Mai Fun, how they say it in Cantonese) on the most generic American holiday. My mom called me twice to tell me about the current economic crisis in Dubai. That's the way we communicate and care for each other, whether like it or not. This holiday reminds me too much about being an immigrant. I remember gathering at Alex's house having the Taiwanese orphan dinner around this time of the year. No matter how much we try to overlook the power of biological roots and cultural family trees, building a community with friends who share no bloodlines, they are still powerful enough to make you feel vulnerable and doubt your own existence on this very time of the year. I cried while talking with L even if i wasn't necessarily sad. I don't like to feel overpowered by own identities that I seem to be so comfortable with and have intellectualized over and over again for the past 4 years.

I slept better even though I wasn't in my bed. 10 hours every night on L's childhood bed. I wonder if it was because of being in an unfamiliar town, cellphone off. Quiet and absolute darkness. It felt like an escape before I realized we were coming back to Seattle soon. I had several dreams about my insecurities over this relationship even though I feel so strong about us. I think it's something about going back to Taiwan that made me anxious.

I didn't want L to leave for work at all this morning. Maybe it's because of my sickness that's making me feel more vulnerable and want to be taken care of. I'm trying to imagine a world with absolutely no time limit. What kind of people would we be? I took out pho to eat at home even though it was so environmentally incorrect. My alone time has extended 10 time this winter compared to fall. Perhaps it's contributing my decreased threshold level of interacting with people. Some people think I'm reserved and cold. Some think I'm timid, or angry. I think they are all not incorrect. I'm just too aware of other people's existence. If we were living in a world with no time limit, maybe you would get to know me better. But for now, I'm heading home and turning on the music so i can feel calm again.

in defense of gay marriage

Lindsay called me after her family wedding in San Fransisco. It's always at times like this, when we are apart from each other, we realize how different our relationship is compared to others, the heteronormativity of this planet. People always say, "it's okay, you can still have a commitment ceremony and dress pretty," or "why don't you go to Canada?" Yes, we understand that we can't get married here, if we even wanted to at the first place. But what they don't understand is that marriage is not just a simple ceremony. It's so deeply rooted in the state, the culture, our legal and gender identity, our concept of romance and commitment. I used to be very anti-marriage, seeing it as a reactionary and assimilationist move for queer liberation. However, now I just feel like why the fuck we can't have the same rights that straight folks have? There is something really disruptive about how some radical queer activists protest against the rights we should not be doubted to own. In reality, many queer folks can afford to hate on marriage because they already have enough material resources to live a comfortable middle-class life with people they love.

Of course there is a lot of messed up things about marriage--religion, the question about monogamy, patriarchy, state control and Capitalism. The biggest mess in the queer movement now is precisely seeing gay marriage as a revolutionary demand or queer utopia. It's just like saying that granting every immigrant a green card and a job could smash U.S. imperialism and White supremacy. Gay marriage is a reform just like how interracial marriage was a reform in the 60s. It apparently didn't end all racism but it resolved some urgent issues that people of color faced. At the rally for Referendum 71 in Seattle this month, people were pumped up about how domestic partnership and marriage were like Black folks' struggles against slavery, KKK, or segregation. I found it extremely disappointing because how could we talk about gay marriage as a revolutionary demand if we didn't even start talking about racism, elitism, transphobia, and the upper-middle class White ass snobbery in the queer community? Of course we immigrant, working-class, people of color queers would not be so happy if gay marriage was only about showing off some rich White gay men's engagement rings or adopted Chinese babies.

I believe that gay marriage can be fought for in a package including other demands such as immigration, health care, and workplace reforms. It also has to be fought with a long term vision that every one's material benefits should not be tied with relationship status--whether you are straight, gay, poly, or choose not to fuck. Only when we all start seeing that queer liberation is not just about arguing whether missionary position or fisting is more progressive, and bridging our struggles and demands with the working-class, POC, trans folks, and immigrants, and push our demands through collective direct action (i'm not talking about orgy here, you queers) instead of the annually legislation bullshit, I would say that we have a movement going. And by then, I could truly care less about marriage. I might still want our 3/4 Chinese baby, though.

the last session-heading back to a sort of pan-eastern philosophy

That morning i went to see my therapist and felt ready to end the whole thing, not because all issues have been resolved but because i felt i could start handling these conflicts in a less self-destructive way.

I spent a great weekend, could not have been better, with lindsay and her family at long beach. Her mom reminded me so much of my mom, the seriousness thus was translated into a kind of warmth. I was so happy to feel accepted by a family, especially her family. There was a kind of bitter sweet sadness coming out when i was there, because i wish i was closer to my family like lindsay to hers. I wish they could take me and the people i care as the people they care. Maybe love means to hold all the conflicts together while still seeing the sign of the subtle tenderness and desire to be close. I wish they could understand it.

I am still anxious and afraid of losing, losing people, losing confidence, losing hope, losing the sense of purpose and the place i stand in this fucking bizarre world. My therapist said things always go wrong when we fall into the binary trap, seeing there's either success or failure. What i need to work on is to find a solid, center place in myself that can hold these conflicts together and know that i do not have to choose to be either way; to love my family or to be queer, to get into school or become or a complete failure; to be burnt out from organizing or become a hypocrite; to be have a flawless relationship or die alone; to be caught in the past or neglect what happened and move on with a lie.

Maybe things will be okay. Truth is, no one has left me yet. I always need to come back here and do a reality check knowing that most of my stress comes from these anxious anticipations of some sort of unrepairable destruction. When things are going so well there must be something bad thats gonna happen soon--growing up as a chinese kid we learned how to be modest about life, taking as little space as possible. Now i'm learning to be bold but also be ready for any consequences possible and knowing that whatever happens i will not fall. Or that maybe it's okay to fall a couple times. I wanna experience what it feels like to be on the ground and appreciate the taste of soil and sand in my scratched palms.

I feel strong, vulnerable, yet hopeful about whats coming next.

周間無害牢騷。我想念我泛亞洲笑鬧又極度嚴肅的組織夥伴

也許因為一切都太美好了所以開始無謂地擔心。擔心無聊了彼此、擔心太過放縱自己的舒適度。禮拜三晚上女朋友總是在我的公寓等我開會結束。DI的會議過了晚上九點，大家都開始焦急安耐不住。禮拜六的工友會議、下禮拜的遊行集會、又或者下週末的retreat，我們有太多事情得決定了。大家在會議中都轉換成另一面的A型人格。會議一結束後原本打算飛奔回家的，但我們怎麼樣還都算是一個pan-Asian的組織--誰提議了去Ave上的韓國珍珠奶茶店，我於是誘拐按摩完剩下半點意識的女朋友出來和一群吵嚷嚷的行動主義青年喝芒果冰沙加珍珠。即便我們這群人的平均年齡大概是二十五，突然我覺得自己像回到高中的時候，十點多沒有地方去於是圍在喧嚷的茶店裡打打鬧鬧。我抱怨著上禮拜National Queer API Conference無知又壓迫的第二代紐約華裔美國男同志--那幾乎是另一個討人厭的主流酷兒社群。不是說要討論東亞人的特權嗎？中國主權！？美國華人的身分被無政治化的嚴重！而April剛拿到一個非營利組織的工作，半開玩笑地說要把我們加入她的queer advisory board。這個冬天她要去印尼，jane mee要回新加坡，我們討論著可能的印尼-台灣-新加坡、東/東南亞短程旅行。我說這樣一來lindsay就可以來台灣找我了！因為我家人一定分不出來究竟誰是我的女朋友。家人剛離開西雅圖，才短短一個禮拜，但我真想念這群朋友，嚴肅或者不正經地玩笑、管他政治正不正確。

冬天仍是充滿變數。回到家只想把她抱緊。我只是在喃喃發著牢騷想要和她有更多的時間相處。每天早上七點和她起床準備上班，我都怪罪資本主義。我說妳把我寵壞了，我從來沒感覺這麼快樂並穩定過--即使明年一開始，馬上地，我們就要面臨許多關於家人的、關於遷徙的、一切關於改變的、以及關於這個普遍恐同文化的挑戰。

the hardest thing to say

My family visited me in Seattle from Taiwan last weekend- i was freaking out about it a month before they arrived. I missed them but i was afraid to see them because i felt there's so much about my life here i had to hide. My organizing, my politics, my future, my girlfriend, and everything about my queerness. We were collectively creating this illusion that i'm not queer. I played along with this game because i was so traumatized when i told them the truth- 3 times. And hiding has never been a healthy method for me to deal with difficult situations. I sought help from friends and ex-boss therapist and decided that i needed to come clean to them someday next year because it was apparent that this illusion is not working anymore for any of us. Well maybe my dad.

It was great to see my little sister though. She's grown and understands the complexity of family dynamics. In Chicago we had a great conversations about kids in her age, about sex, about dad and mom, as well as my queerness. I can't wait till her to be older so we can nurture this friendship more.

I actually felt quite relieved when i decided i just needed to tell them who i really am, even though it might come with a lot of anger, sorrow, pain, blaming, and punishment. I hate how this is what most queer folks need to deal with- choosing the kind of life we want or the kind of life our family want. It's especially hard for the kind of family we have because respect and family tie are very very important values. I am not running away from home and say fuck you guys you just don't understand. I want them to know that i'm queer but i still love them and i wanna go through this with them. I'm in a wonderful relationship and working towards my future plan and i think, i do make good decisions for myself now. I want them to know all about this and trust me as a responsible adult. I just need to be in a solid place so i can bear a few months or years of family agony and not collapse. And i think i will be okay.