the hardest thing to say

My family visited me in Seattle from Taiwan last weekend- i was freaking out about it a month before they arrived. I missed them but i was afraid to see them because i felt there's so much about my life here i had to hide. My organizing, my politics, my future, my girlfriend, and everything about my queerness. We were collectively creating this illusion that i'm not queer. I played along with this game because i was so traumatized when i told them the truth- 3 times. And hiding has never been a healthy method for me to deal with difficult situations. I sought help from friends and ex-boss therapist and decided that i needed to come clean to them someday next year because it was apparent that this illusion is not working anymore for any of us. Well maybe my dad.

It was great to see my little sister though. She's grown and understands the complexity of family dynamics. In Chicago we had a great conversations about kids in her age, about sex, about dad and mom, as well as my queerness. I can't wait till her to be older so we can nurture this friendship more.

I actually felt quite relieved when i decided i just needed to tell them who i really am, even though it might come with a lot of anger, sorrow, pain, blaming, and punishment. I hate how this is what most queer folks need to deal with- choosing the kind of life we want or the kind of life our family want. It's especially hard for the kind of family we have because respect and family tie are very very important values. I am not running away from home and say fuck you guys you just don't understand. I want them to know that i'm queer but i still love them and i wanna go through this with them. I'm in a wonderful relationship and working towards my future plan and i think, i do make good decisions for myself now. I want them to know all about this and trust me as a responsible adult. I just need to be in a solid place so i can bear a few months or years of family agony and not collapse. And i think i will be okay.