existence.

My body must have freaked out by the sunshine and warmth in long beach, california- 80 degrees winter. And all the turkey on Thanksgiving and the never ending leftovers. I love leftovers. I think microwaves are perhaps the greatest invention of the 20th century. I felt grateful to be invited to spend this holiday with Lindsay's family- a close 2nd and 3rd Chinese American family that eats 油飯 (Lao Mai Fun, how they say it in Cantonese) on the most generic American holiday. My mom called me twice to tell me about the current economic crisis in Dubai. That's the way we communicate and care for each other, whether like it or not. This holiday reminds me too much about being an immigrant. I remember gathering at Alex's house having the Taiwanese orphan dinner around this time of the year. No matter how much we try to overlook the power of biological roots and cultural family trees, building a community with friends who share no bloodlines, they are still powerful enough to make you feel vulnerable and doubt your own existence on this very time of the year. I cried while talking with L even if i wasn't necessarily sad. I don't like to feel overpowered by own identities that I seem to be so comfortable with and have intellectualized over and over again for the past 4 years.

I slept better even though I wasn't in my bed. 10 hours every night on L's childhood bed. I wonder if it was because of being in an unfamiliar town, cellphone off. Quiet and absolute darkness. It felt like an escape before I realized we were coming back to Seattle soon. I had several dreams about my insecurities over this relationship even though I feel so strong about us. I think it's something about going back to Taiwan that made me anxious.

I didn't want L to leave for work at all this morning. Maybe it's because of my sickness that's making me feel more vulnerable and want to be taken care of. I'm trying to imagine a world with absolutely no time limit. What kind of people would we be? I took out pho to eat at home even though it was so environmentally incorrect. My alone time has extended 10 time this winter compared to fall. Perhaps it's contributing my decreased threshold level of interacting with people. Some people think I'm reserved and cold. Some think I'm timid, or angry. I think they are all not incorrect. I'm just too aware of other people's existence. If we were living in a world with no time limit, maybe you would get to know me better. But for now, I'm heading home and turning on the music so i can feel calm again.