is it guilt or is it really homophobia?

I feel the urge to write because I'm gonna lose it if I don't.

Sometimes I really feel like I have nothing to say to my family. Because everything I say would just be attacked, rejected, or I would reveal too much about myself. And the thought of it is really, really frightening. "What have I done wrong? I never beat you or punish you," my mom says, "you never wanted to tell us about it since you were 13." I didn't say anything back. I don't know why I have always scared of my parents. They are always so serious. I don't remember ever having fun with them. The society's homophobia, of course, also made me feel like I'd be the worst daughter if I told them I was gay, especially when I was that young. "You never gave us chance. We always found out when bad things happened," she says. It is true. They have known about it for a long time. But there was no acceptance. There were doubts, verbal attacks, and financial control. But I don't want to talk to my mom about this again. It's simply too fucking hurtful. I can't believe that she doesn't remember it anymore, her and dad, asking me to choose whether if I want to be their daughter and be supported throughout college or I keep being homosexual and be disowned. Maybe I never forgive them about what they said then. Maybe they wouldn't even acknowledge that they threatened me that way, or they forced me to break up with my girlfriend, one after another.

And now, she's pushing me to open up again. But I feel so uncertain if I should tell her anything anymore. Maybe she's trying to save our relationship because she knows that I can and will be very, very far away. When I look at her serious face, I only have an unquantifiable amount of fear, and guilt.