the last session-heading back to a sort of pan-eastern philosophy

That morning i went to see my therapist and felt ready to end the whole thing, not because all issues have been resolved but because i felt i could start handling these conflicts in a less self-destructive way.

I spent a great weekend, could not have been better, with lindsay and her family at long beach. Her mom reminded me so much of my mom, the seriousness thus was translated into a kind of warmth. I was so happy to feel accepted by a family, especially her family. There was a kind of bitter sweet sadness coming out when i was there, because i wish i was closer to my family like lindsay to hers. I wish they could take me and the people i care as the people they care. Maybe love means to hold all the conflicts together while still seeing the sign of the subtle tenderness and desire to be close. I wish they could understand it.

I am still anxious and afraid of losing, losing people, losing confidence, losing hope, losing the sense of purpose and the place i stand in this fucking bizarre world. My therapist said things always go wrong when we fall into the binary trap, seeing there's either success or failure. What i need to work on is to find a solid, center place in myself that can hold these conflicts together and know that i do not have to choose to be either way; to love my family or to be queer, to get into school or become or a complete failure; to be burnt out from organizing or become a hypocrite; to be have a flawless relationship or die alone; to be caught in the past or neglect what happened and move on with a lie.

Maybe things will be okay. Truth is, no one has left me yet. I always need to come back here and do a reality check knowing that most of my stress comes from these anxious anticipations of some sort of unrepairable destruction. When things are going so well there must be something bad thats gonna happen soon--growing up as a chinese kid we learned how to be modest about life, taking as little space as possible. Now i'm learning to be bold but also be ready for any consequences possible and knowing that whatever happens i will not fall. Or that maybe it's okay to fall a couple times. I wanna experience what it feels like to be on the ground and appreciate the taste of soil and sand in my scratched palms.

I feel strong, vulnerable, yet hopeful about whats coming next.