《其後》：生者之書。

真正認真地讀完了賴香吟的《其後》，對於我而言，這是一本書並不是關於邱妙津，而是關於一整個世代戲劇化的終結，以及歷史在每日生活中以平凡的姿態鬼祟地延續。就像賴的書寫手法一般，那麼平靜卻深沈的鋪陳。「清醒不是一個結論，也不相對於某些疾病，而是一整個世界的模樣。」她寫。我想關於死亡的最大痛苦，一直都不是關於「死亡」本身的戲劇性，而是生者所得面對的如往常搬同樣運轉著的世界。生者總是突然成了所屬世界的旁觀者，因為精神已寄於不同的時空，看著旁人的驚訝、憂愁、甚至是憤怒，都變成了脫離自我的演出。說什麼都太多餘，說什麼都不夠。「一切一切都只是表面。」大眾推測死亡的原因，但對於親近的生者，關於死亡的傾向，早不是在意識可預料之外。但在真正實踐死亡的「其後」，卻是一個茫然、不可預知、並且充滿著痛苦被不斷放大的現實世界。死亡的乾脆利落，不停地刺探著生存本質的意義。

「時代安靜的非常自私，沒有人對她伸出援手。」對於同志社群猜測、評論、分析著邱的死亡，讓我想到1993年被強暴並謀殺的跨性男／女同Brandon Teena。Brandon Teena暴力的死亡被拍成紀錄片、好萊塢電影《Boys Don't Cry》、無數的學術論文，甚至在LGBTQ社群中他的身份被不斷辯論，並宣稱為某個特定身份團體合格的政治主體「究竟他是男性化的女同志還是跨性男人？」「究竟Brandon Teena是屬於同志運動還是跨性運動？」在Lisa Duggan以美國後工業期經濟蕭條的鄉下作為主題，來分析關於BT的死亡，將恐同放置在突擊整個新自由主義襲擊下，中產階級工人失業率暴漲的緊張情勢中的不幸產物。於是BT的死亡不只是關於「未受教育的白人工人階級」或者是「恐同的農村」，而解釋了一整個時代的焦慮、矛盾、和不確定性。於是賴寫到：「時代安靜的非常自私，沒有人對她伸出援手。」邱的《鱷魚手記》中的掙扎，究竟是來自於時代壓抑下的同性情慾，或者是作者本身敏感纖細的感情思維？無從解答。但重點並不是將死亡套上運動的政治正確性，就如賴的書寫，真正需要被審視的是「其後」生者的生活。面對每日的，平凡且冗長的，生命。

還有多少死亡被安靜地遺忘了？賴寫到她的父親，曾說：「我渡過了平凡的一生⋯」錯過的，遺憾的，被整個時代放棄忽略的，於是成為生者長期的抗戰。抗爭為了不去重複死亡如此輕易並膚淺的面貌。因此書寫，反思，自癒，緘默。由此開始，《其後》平靜而深沈地構成一本，生者之書。

The workplace is crazy, not the workers: In Soo Chun's suicide and memorial

A former Korean custodian, In Soo Chun, self-immolated on Red Square at UW on October 30 last year.

I was only several feet away inside a building while him pouring gasoline all over himself and lit himself alive. My co-worker walked into the office and was completely in shock. He said to me, "there was a man on fire outside." I could not believe it. We walked out and saw helicopters and firetrucks and knew it was probably true. I learned about his story a year after from his coworkers. They said In Soo Chun was a hard-working man but was facing arbitrary transfers from the manager and was eventually terminated by the custodian services two months prior to his death.

There was no explanation from the UW administration or the media except that he was perhaps a "troubled man." His death left a ton of questions for people who witnessed the traumatic event, for his coworkers, for this public institution. The workers and us planned this memorial for him--not only to remember him but also to seek answer to the questions he left for us. Right now, workers on campus are still facing the same workplace harassment and unjust labor practices he faced. We were all wondering, who is gonna be the next among us to go crazy?

Some people walked by and said we were not being respectful for politicizing his death. While i understand that processing death and trauma can be a very private matter, I also believe that it's the individualization of the process that aggravate the degrees of grief and trauma. I've experienced the pain of suicide from someone I was very intimate with. And I wish there were someone to explain to me why people would decide to take their own lives away all of a sudden. I wrapped myself in a limbo and nothing had really resolved during those years. The individual process of grieving almost pushed me to the edge of killing myself, might as well. If I didn't devote my energy into writing, into studying psychology, understanding mental illness, I would not be able to recover from that trauma then.

That's why I think, it was important for us to gather the community, together seek answers for In Soo Chun's death. We would probably never be able to find them, because suicide is such a psychologically complex behavior by its own. But the meaning of this incident for us is concrete. The community that this event brought together was concrete. Even though I did not have chance to get to know this man, I would like to honor him with the actions against injustice on this campus where he chose to die.


In Soo Chun Memorial Video

On Seattle Times