mini steps to break down these heterosexist walls between us

Say mini to the birthday girl! from Wen on Vimeo.

Lindsay is turning 27 and for the nostalgia that we won't be as mini as one minute ago again, we had a mini party last weekend. All sorts of people came- the tongzhi crew, DI folks, straight but not narrow supporters (shannon yes it's you!), and some random couples and i'm still suspicious that husband with short shorts is somewhat queer. Oh whatever. We were on Capitol Hill and 8 out of 10 guys dress that way anyways.

It is in those space and time I feel having a queer community of families and friends is possible. There are already so many walls dividing us- the subtly racist politics of the white dominant queer community, the homophobic and patriarchal rhetorics of home, the masculine nature of most of the activist groups, the fear we have, of being too vulnerable or losing each other, even between lovers and friends.

I'm making effort to break out of my own walls. I've made peace with my queerness and respect for my family. The sacrifice of it is not being able to share most of my life with them- I'm learning to love them in a different way, even though homophobia makes me choose to be a daughter or a lover. I'm learning to, be vulnerable but also optimistic about my relationship with lindsay, and the possibility of a stable, trusting queer relationship that will redefine what family is capable to be. I'm learning to take down my guards with men, especially straight men. I know that not all masculinity is threatening and rape is a product of patriarchy. I'm learning that I don't have to be defensive with everyone in that figure, that gender, or that anatomy.

Sometimes I'm just so tired of being the one who has to constantly defend myself, my identity, my history, my desire, or my community. And thats exactly why we need to all make effort to break down these walls between us. To have a culture and community that practice radical politics but also love and care at the same time. If we don't start talking and asking questions, every queer conversation would remain to be a confession, awkward silence, or turn into a critique of identity politics. If we don't even know how to love and nurture people near us, how can we fight for queer liberation? The liberation that is supposed to break down those walls that prohibit desires and human connections.

I'm too much of a dreamer sometimes and I long for this queer community. It is so essential to our survival because heterosexism is constantly pushing us away from people we love, and making us fight against one another. I certainly feel powerless at times and just want to go back to the isolated state that makes me feel safe. But this community I have- even small and with enemies at all fronts- reminds me that we are all loved and we have to make effort to connect with others who might feel fragile or uncertain or even indifferent at times. And it all starts from small steps. No matter its a mini party or low budget anti-war graduation party or short cigarette break during the intense organizing meeting- we are building a movement, and this queer community is and has been part of it.