陌生人x2

從充滿炸雞和帥氣金髮正統butch的南方城市Charlotte回到紐約，兩個小時的飛行中想著在心理學會議新認識的舊金山朋友然後在心底偷笑。E在博克萊時是Judith Butler的學生，她說Butler只和異女學生上床然後Focault之前會帶著他的slave boy出現在教評會！我心想著這個帶著英國腔和以色列腔混合的E其實超級有Butler的氛圍。我們在Charlotte大概是唯一的女同志酒吧喝Red Bass抽菸，唾棄整個會議的保守性。都已經是2012了心理會議還在分別Gender&Sexuality的差異，或者該開始研究intersectionality的重要性。what about BEYOND intersectionality, or just IDENTITY at all？我們問。APA的教授代表無法回答我們的問題，我們自己也曉得我們的問題無法從學術心理來解決。於是跳舞。地下室的舞池中放著Justin Bieber "Boyfriend"的音樂錄影帶，我一直想：那個港味的女同志是誰？

回到紐約趕上Pride最後的party。我覺得自己的二十五歲已經發生了好多次。差別好像只在於酒量越來越差的這件事。馬上就要回台灣了，但好像很多事情都還沒準備好。書櫃堆積著上個學期學生的作業和考卷，尚未翻閱的書籍，寫不完的稿子。有時候想住在紐約真是一個另類的宇宙，我該怎麼去解釋這個城市給我的衝擊和成長？轉眼間在美國生活已經是第十年了，我所理解這個世界的多數幾乎就要被這個地方的文化給覆蓋過。我是否就要成為我自己國家的陌生人？

然後總是帶著戰戰兢兢的心情和家人見面。

my almost last party in seattle

I spent most of April trying to pull off a queer people of color dance party as a fundraiser for the may 3rd strike--it was extremely stressful but too fun to resist! We got the space at Hidmo, awesome qpoc spoken word poets and musicians. Everything just seemed to come together on that night, the poetry, the movie, the music, the people, the space, and the political messages we were sending out. It's weird because you would think that making qpoc the targeted audience you would be limiting who you were attracting. On the contrary, we had almost 200 people showed up that night--and lots of folks can't wait for another event like this. As a qpoc i feel everything we are fighting for--labor, immigrant rights, queer lib--just came together on that night, when i saw a room full of queer folks and folks of color responding so well to the May 3rd strike and March 4th action against privatization of university and its workplace. Some queer folks may see labor as something not concerned them or not related to their life struggle, but i would say labor is as much about workplace as bedroom. I know locally some queer activists are fighting for a grant that can build a cafe shop that would continually hire queer youth. While I understand the work is important, I also feel like we've fought for queer only space for a while, and it's about time for us queers to join the struggle at workplace, fighting for more accessible education, and just workplace for all. This notion of queer vs. class could be really harmful for the working-class and queer communities and would just continually privatize queer issue as something thats only about our sexuality.

On the next day I saw a lot of qpoc from last night at the May Day immigrant rights march. That was the time i felt this is really my community. I felt very honored to work alongside with everyone for queer lib even though we have to fight through so many barriers to come together and to finally get to know one another.

[day 20]旅程的最後等待。

太早到機場了。因為聖誕節當天的奈及利亞裔飛機炸彈客的事件，所有飛美的班機加強防安措施。其實也沒有多嚴重，我連鞋子也沒有脫的就走過檢查門。以前因為遠距的關係總是對於機場這樣的情節特別地多愁善感。但是這是第一次，在長榮休息室中，望著一排的公用電話，卻沒有任何在離開前需要用著所剩無幾的電話卡告別的人。右側坐著一個染著橘褐色頭髮有著良好閱讀姿勢的女生，仔仔細細地用好聽的日文跟電話中的人交代事情。講英文的小毛頭在地毯上奔跑。看起來很nerdy的亞洲男生牽著一個長相普通白人女生的手。而後頭坐著一對看著報紙的中年移民台灣夫妻，大概在聊他們已經不會講中文的小孩的事情。我想要吃第二個芋泥小包，和更多的米粉。不曉得為什麼在高鐵上一直想著黃小偵和張懸的事情--如果真有這回事。想要打電話給女朋友，但現在是西雅圖的凌晨吧。我還有兩個半小時得要自己慢慢消耗。我帶著我的肌肉鬆弛劑，和反法西斯主義的死去瑞典作家的懸疑小說。每個大人都問我會不會孤單。其實進進出出了七年多我是真的習慣了這樣的飛行，以及活在兩個並存的世界。明天，我的十二月三十號將要再重複一次。

stuck in an undefined space

在西雅圖都待了七年了，溼答答的冬天還是讓我感覺憂鬱。Alex從蒙古email給我第二個刺青的草稿--大概佔據四分之三背部的空間，我準備好了嗎？關於移民和家，作為一個移民者代表著永遠地想家，那為什麼我媽打來的電話總是讓我那麼焦慮？即使我們只不過是在談著天氣或果汁機。我不想變得無法快樂起來。聽著Mogwai的舊唱片，外面溼的一大糊塗。我感覺自己總是卡在一種尚未完成的空間裡：未完成的青春期、未完成的國際身分、語言、未完成的感情、未完成的研究、尚未抵達的學術目標。在這麼多未完成的空間之中，我的真實身分又是什麼呢？An unfinished adult, unfinished scholar, unfinished activist, unfinished lover, and nationally and semantically confused, all the time. 我渴望一份確切的旅程表，告訴我，在多少小時多少年，我可以結束這段亂流般的飛行，擁有一個可以被認清的身分，毫無猶豫地降落於地。