二手菸。惡夢。心理治療

其實我幾乎都不抽煙了，每天還是在solstice後面陽台的座位喝咖啡唸書，吸著別人的二手煙。

惡夢。我發覺我惡夢的促使者是咖啡因沒錯。一晚醒來兩次，出軌的鏡頭，分不清夢裡頭的女人究竟是誰。或許是誰也都無所謂，壓抑的慾望和恐懼慣於巧妝表面的模樣。張開眼睛看著女朋友在旁邊睡得安穩，於是安心。若是我能夠發明專屬的安眠藥或肌肉鬆弛劑，我要一種藥可以一吞下去就聽見她睡前用吉他彈著bizzare love triangle這首歌的聲音。

我終於約了第一次的心理治療約談。不曉得為什麼緊張的要命。

rice cooker crisis

I almost had a panic attack when i found my rice cooker half dead this morning. I don't know why a piece of 10+ years old, dirty green rice cooker could make me so paranoid. I really didn't care that much about eating my taro buns (...well maybe i did). But it was almost as if it broke then, my last Taiwanese identity would be taken away by the inevitable dominant American culture in the air. Honestly, I never felt so Asian American my whole life.

Booked the tickets for Taiwan and Singapore with April yesterday. Part of me is happy about going home and spending perhaps the last stress-less winter break with my family. Part of me is wondering if this WILL be the last stress-less break between me and my family. I'm excited though, to be in Taiwan and Singapore with friends i met here. I have a feeling that it could change my outlook of what this gigantic geographical location means to me. It'd be great to see this part of Asia not just with nostalgia and huge appetite, but also with a new political understanding of our identities in the US that have been heavily shaped by what's happening at home.

10 days away from the GRE test. 10 days away from fall. 3 months away from deadlines. 3 months away from home. My stress hormones rise and fall with my google calendar. I kept talking about wanting to change this condition but haven't put too much effort into action. Lindsay said i might be in denial, telling myself that this is not urgent enough to do anything about it. And i found it very convincing. I really should set my sanity as one of my priorities. We start going to yoga classes together though. My muscles were so relaxed last night that i did not have any nightmare about mom or dad. I can tell how deep i slept by how messy my hair is in the morning.

周間無害牢騷。我想念我泛亞洲笑鬧又極度嚴肅的組織夥伴

也許因為一切都太美好了所以開始無謂地擔心。擔心無聊了彼此、擔心太過放縱自己的舒適度。禮拜三晚上女朋友總是在我的公寓等我開會結束。DI的會議過了晚上九點，大家都開始焦急安耐不住。禮拜六的工友會議、下禮拜的遊行集會、又或者下週末的retreat，我們有太多事情得決定了。大家在會議中都轉換成另一面的A型人格。會議一結束後原本打算飛奔回家的，但我們怎麼樣還都算是一個pan-Asian的組織--誰提議了去Ave上的韓國珍珠奶茶店，我於是誘拐按摩完剩下半點意識的女朋友出來和一群吵嚷嚷的行動主義青年喝芒果冰沙加珍珠。即便我們這群人的平均年齡大概是二十五，突然我覺得自己像回到高中的時候，十點多沒有地方去於是圍在喧嚷的茶店裡打打鬧鬧。我抱怨著上禮拜National Queer API Conference無知又壓迫的第二代紐約華裔美國男同志--那幾乎是另一個討人厭的主流酷兒社群。不是說要討論東亞人的特權嗎？中國主權！？美國華人的身分被無政治化的嚴重！而April剛拿到一個非營利組織的工作，半開玩笑地說要把我們加入她的queer advisory board。這個冬天她要去印尼，jane mee要回新加坡，我們討論著可能的印尼-台灣-新加坡、東/東南亞短程旅行。我說這樣一來lindsay就可以來台灣找我了！因為我家人一定分不出來究竟誰是我的女朋友。家人剛離開西雅圖，才短短一個禮拜，但我真想念這群朋友，嚴肅或者不正經地玩笑、管他政治正不正確。

冬天仍是充滿變數。回到家只想把她抱緊。我只是在喃喃發著牢騷想要和她有更多的時間相處。每天早上七點和她起床準備上班，我都怪罪資本主義。我說妳把我寵壞了，我從來沒感覺這麼快樂並穩定過--即使明年一開始，馬上地，我們就要面臨許多關於家人的、關於遷徙的、一切關於改變的、以及關於這個普遍恐同文化的挑戰。

the hardest thing to say

My family visited me in Seattle from Taiwan last weekend- i was freaking out about it a month before they arrived. I missed them but i was afraid to see them because i felt there's so much about my life here i had to hide. My organizing, my politics, my future, my girlfriend, and everything about my queerness. We were collectively creating this illusion that i'm not queer. I played along with this game because i was so traumatized when i told them the truth- 3 times. And hiding has never been a healthy method for me to deal with difficult situations. I sought help from friends and ex-boss therapist and decided that i needed to come clean to them someday next year because it was apparent that this illusion is not working anymore for any of us. Well maybe my dad.

It was great to see my little sister though. She's grown and understands the complexity of family dynamics. In Chicago we had a great conversations about kids in her age, about sex, about dad and mom, as well as my queerness. I can't wait till her to be older so we can nurture this friendship more.

I actually felt quite relieved when i decided i just needed to tell them who i really am, even though it might come with a lot of anger, sorrow, pain, blaming, and punishment. I hate how this is what most queer folks need to deal with- choosing the kind of life we want or the kind of life our family want. It's especially hard for the kind of family we have because respect and family tie are very very important values. I am not running away from home and say fuck you guys you just don't understand. I want them to know that i'm queer but i still love them and i wanna go through this with them. I'm in a wonderful relationship and working towards my future plan and i think, i do make good decisions for myself now. I want them to know all about this and trust me as a responsible adult. I just need to be in a solid place so i can bear a few months or years of family agony and not collapse. And i think i will be okay.

兩小時公路旅行七十二小時無國界親密。

西雅圖很熱，往北開兩百英哩，溫哥華也是熱得要命。西北美的城市居民似乎都無法接受烈陽灑汗的大晴天。正夏。我們都被好天氣慣壞了。但那個週末朋友所稱的小蜜月完全是我所需要的。女朋友一個月前就請好了假、訂了飯店－－這趟旅行是我的生日禮物。（這大概是我目前為止收過最成人的生日禮物！）去溫哥華很多次了，這個城市對我們而言都有不同的記憶。我只是很開心能夠帶她去吃台灣菜、喝珍珠紅茶、在充滿不同移民和說著不同語言觀光客的市區裡走著。我們都不曉得metropolitan和cosmopolitan定義上的不同，但溫哥華的大城市氣氛是清晰易見的－－當然也包括各大國際corporate的標誌。這是一個完全消費型的都市。對於在一座島上長大的我，還是很難了解開著車就能跨越國界的概念。加拿大的海關總是會開玩笑地問我為什麼我的mini cooper上有英國國旗。

我們住在市區偏東北邊的重新改裝的老飯店St.Reigis。我被整個灰紅色的色調完全吸引。兩個人像是小孩般地在完美鋪好的床上打滾、試著不同燈的組合。我喜歡和她披著亂糟糟的頭髮不穿胸罩的去地下室分一份培根蛋吐司早餐、在電梯裡擁抱讓異性戀夫婦不知所措。那個週末正好是溫哥華的同志大遊行，隨處可見梳理著完美金髮的男同志逛街。溫哥華的女同志場景和西雅圖沒多大差別－－在Lick，舞池裡擠的全都是穿著American Apparel無袖背心老鼠髮尾的hipster白人女同志。並不出人意外地，我遇見了兩個從西雅圖來的女同志朋友。你永遠躲不開主流的酷兒消費文化。一種傲慢的被動性攻擊態度。

禮拜日Pride在Robson街上。一樣多的觀光客和身材姣好肌肉閃閃發光的白人男同志。我們在人群裡探了探十多分鐘就走了。唯一感興趣的是一個加拿大的反戰團體，版子上寫著︰No Pride in Canadian Occupation of Afghanistan！

US/Canadian border的等候一樣的漫長。我想這七十二小時的貼身旅行中沒有一點不快樂。我等不及我們下一次的旅行。