moving from the caffeinated city to the city that never sleeps

It's great to feel like after so many rejections and self-deprecating that some people approve your work and can't wait to learn more about what you can bring to the table. Especially in academia, when so much is about your background, big names you worked with, and big terms such as hegemonic heterosexual discourse that you can pretend to use CASUALLY over coffee, it's good to know that i can belong in some degrees but also different enough to feel secure about how i want to position myself in the world.

The social psychology program at CUNY trains its students to be familiar with the classic psychological theories but also the critical. They are pretty innovative about their research methods and encourage students to take initiatives in a variety of projects across disciplines, instead of just cloning your advisor's work for five years and become paper publishing machines. It's good to know that many students remain engaged in the community work instead of entirely detached from it and just crunching numbers throughout the academic life. I think that compared to other social psych programs, CUNY can help me think of research in a different way, to use its resources as my own advantages to access the communities i wanna work with.

Besides the whole school business, i'm just excited to be living in NYC for the next five years of my life. I feel like it's a good time to push myself out of the comfort zone and experience something different. I'm excited to be around the queers and immigrants in the city, and not driving for once. I think new york is such a big place with hundreds of different neighborhoods, it really depends on what you wanna make of it. I'm ready for wherever it's taking me.

你為何不乾脆做我的女朋友呢，台灣？

我們有這麼多的共通點，但是又不一樣地足夠
留有一些情趣。我們說同樣的語言
卻有不同地域性的腔調
我也遇見過和你相似的女孩，在北美
但是她們都令人失望地中產階級
喝星巴克拿鐵、去時尚沙發酒吧
大概還有Club Monaco的貴賓卡
星期天晚上韓式美容Spa

沒有人理解
我為什麼不能忘卻你，台灣
分開已經這麼多年
你的影像已漸漸變得模糊
但是你的味道，那濕熱，和
那微妙的酸，我無法忘懷
我想要像國中生般牽著你的手
在夜市裡散步
不計較卡路里地吃甜點
我想要和你到屋頂上
看月亮形狀的變化並且談
二二八，那場向國民黨專政
的反殖民暴動。都還不到一個世紀
大多數的人卻已經忘記白色恐怖
像那只是一部紅極一時的好萊屋
恐怖電影

你曾經跟我說過你的前任，那些
多毛的歐洲渾蛋，對待你
像是他們貴族航海旅遊的臨時賓館
還有那個父權的日本鬼子
完全的控制癖，試圖抹除你的身分認同
並且恐嚇殺死你，若是你出軌
你發誓你再也不要和那些外國人交往了
畢竟被物化和被剝削並不是一件好玩的事
你只想要認識一個家教良好的華人男孩
但你從來沒有想到，當民國三十八年
國民黨進入你的生命，你的惡夢才正開始
他比之前的日本人還糟
即使他不斷宣稱你們留著
相同的血液。他殺了你的阿公阿罵
辦了幾場腐敗的選舉還說
這對你是好的。噢台灣，
這是一件經典的家暴案例
而當你向外界求救，那些西方的涉入者
只對你的錢和你的身體有興趣
你開始覺得他們就像你的前任
那些多毛的白人資本主義混蛋

噢台灣，你為什麼不乾脆做我的女朋友
你比自己想像中還來得酷兒太多了。你是如此
充滿生命。我想要打破你歷史創傷
建築的那些牆。
我想要和你一起去伴侶
心理治療。想要帶你去女同志酒吧
喝廉價啤酒
嗑瓜子，談馬克思主義
和那些被銷毀的激進歷史
我想要帶你去所有的派對
向我的朋友炫耀你
我想要和你一起回家。
重建。追憶。和革命。

why don't you be my girlfriend, taiwan?

we have so much in common, but different enough
to be erotic. we speak the same language with distinctly
geographical accents.
i've met girls that remind me of you, here
in North America, but they are so disappointedly
bourgeois. drinking Starbucks,
frequenting fancy bars,
have membership at Club
Monaco, Sunday evening
Korean spa.

no one understands
why i can't get over you, taiwan.
after all these years being apart
your image has become a bit fuzzy
but your smell, the heat, and the subtle
sourness, i can't forget.
i wanna hold your hands like middle schoolers
take a walk in the night market
eat sweets without calculating
calories. i wanna get on the rooftop
watch the moon change its shape and talk about
228. the anti-colonial uprising
against the KMT. it hasn't even been a century
but people already forgot about the White Terror
like it was just another Blockbuster horror movie

you used to tell me about your exes, those
hairy European assholes, treated you like a motel
of their royal voyage. and the patriarchal Japanese,
the control freak, who tried to erase your identity
and threatened to kill you if you cheat.
you swore you were done with the foreigners then
it's not fun to be objectified and exploited, after all,
you just wanted to date a good Chinese boy
but you never expected that when the KMT
arrived in your life, your worst nightmare began
he was eviler than the Japanese
even though he claimed to have the same blood
as you do. he killed your grandpa grandma
held a few corrupted elections and told you
how it was supposed to be good for you.
oh taiwan, it's a classic domestic violence case
but when you ask for help, the Western interventionists
were only interested in your money and your body
you start to think that they are just like your exes
those hairy white capitalist assholes
they are all the same

oh taiwan, why don't you be my girlfriend
you are so much queerer than you think you are
so full of life. i wanna break those walls
you built around yourself from past traumas
i wanna go to couple's therapy with you
take you to a lesbian bar, drink cheap beers
nibble on watermelon seeds
talk about Marxism, and all the radical history
that has been erased. i wanna take you out to every party
and show you off to all my friends
i wanna go home with you.
rebuild. recollect. and revolt.

Where was/is the Taiwanese Left?

我最近在讀兩本書，Tony Cliff的《Lenin》和陳芳明的《殖民地台灣：左翼政治運動史論》革命性地改變我對左翼運動的看法。在充滿著反共意識的台灣長大，我對於台灣的左翼沒有一點概念。究竟是台灣的左翼不存在，還是這些歷史都被扭曲殲滅了呢？陳芳明的這本書回答了我一部分的疑問。一九二八年台灣共產黨，在第三國際的指導下成立。初期的主要領導，謝雪紅和林木順等人，都曾去莫斯科留學，修習馬克思列寧主義的革命理念和方法，並在台共的黨綱中強調，在日本殖民之下，反帝國台灣民族獨立運動對於全球階級革命的重要性。他們認為，若是殖民地能夠發動獨立革命運動，就能夠有效推翻帝國主義的基礎並動搖殖民母國的經濟體制。這種殖民地革命具有民族革命以及階級革命雙重效力的想法根源，即是列寧的主張。雖然台共才生存了短短三年，在中共的干涉，和新美帝國主義的破壞下瓦解，台共留下許多今日的左翼行動主義者可以學習的策略，比如聯合陣線、刊物發行、反殖民及民族運動在階級運動中不可妥協的必要性。在西雅圖做巴勒斯坦反殖民和勞工運動後，讀起這些厚重的歷史我漸漸有了較深的理解。台灣的左翼運動在日本殖民者、中共官方、和國民黨的邊緣化之下，被歷史描寫地微不足道。而現今的政府仍以經濟為藉口，向中共靠攏，中國意識和台灣意識混亂不清。就如陳芳明所說的，這些都代表著台灣尚未進入後殖民的社會，能夠去釐清殖民者錯誤歷史解釋。而現今的左翼人士該學習的，就是那些被抹去的運動歷史，並隨時保持著批判的和不斷改進的精神，反抗統治者的專權以及民族和階級的壓迫。

bottom up mind shift

Since 2010, there are a few significant changes in my life:

1. My relationship with my family, especially my mom, has drastically changed. I still can't comprehend what CONCRETELY that looks like. But i already feel the warmth and openness from both her and myself. I feel like I am finally not running away from them anymore.

2. I believe that revolution is necessary in order to change the lives of the oppressed. What I mean by revolution is a class struggle from below. Yes, social service is important, but it cannot change the structural violence that causes many of us to end up there for support in the first place. Yes, workshops are good. But you can only raise awareness and educate people to a certain extent. Folks don't learn through being what to do or what not to do by others. Folks learn through fighting for our own living.

3. I have an awesome partner who supports all of these things I believe in not only emotionally but physically. This has freed me from the myth that i need to have a middle class lifestyle in order to live happily in my life. I cannot verbalize what a radical change it really is in my mind. But it really is. Love after all is really almost spiritual in a way. It's not about what kind of house we will be living in or what kind party we will throw. I feel secure, content, and excited about what we have and what's gonna come in the near future.

the dark age of trip-pop

Last year Portishead's album "Third" was as dark as i could comprehend. Massive Attack's new album which is coming out TODAY(!!!) is similarly dark, cold, metallic, futuristic, and full of destructive power.

FUCK I AM TOTALLY OUT TO MY FAMILY

And I'm still alive. My mom is still alive. No one killed anyone. It went fine.

10 years of fear and agony are suddenly resolved in a 10 minute conversation. I think we were all dying to talk about this. The hardest part was to overcome my own guilt and defensiveness. I meant to communicate with them but I was just too afraid. Too afraid that I have built up my defense walls for so long that they could not open me up anymore. But I decided that it was the time for me to change my relationship with my mom. I know if I didn't do it then I probably would not do it for another 10 years. She said, you are an adult now, and whatever you choose to do, it's your own responsibility. That's exactly what I wanted to hear from her.

One more layer of homophobia is torn apart, in my personal life at least. Just wait to see how much energy I have now to fight against the rest.

is it guilt or is it really homophobia?

I feel the urge to write because I'm gonna lose it if I don't.

Sometimes I really feel like I have nothing to say to my family. Because everything I say would just be attacked, rejected, or I would reveal too much about myself. And the thought of it is really, really frightening. "What have I done wrong? I never beat you or punish you," my mom says, "you never wanted to tell us about it since you were 13." I didn't say anything back. I don't know why I have always scared of my parents. They are always so serious. I don't remember ever having fun with them. The society's homophobia, of course, also made me feel like I'd be the worst daughter if I told them I was gay, especially when I was that young. "You never gave us chance. We always found out when bad things happened," she says. It is true. They have known about it for a long time. But there was no acceptance. There were doubts, verbal attacks, and financial control. But I don't want to talk to my mom about this again. It's simply too fucking hurtful. I can't believe that she doesn't remember it anymore, her and dad, asking me to choose whether if I want to be their daughter and be supported throughout college or I keep being homosexual and be disowned. Maybe I never forgive them about what they said then. Maybe they wouldn't even acknowledge that they threatened me that way, or they forced me to break up with my girlfriend, one after another.

And now, she's pushing me to open up again. But I feel so uncertain if I should tell her anything anymore. Maybe she's trying to save our relationship because she knows that I can and will be very, very far away. When I look at her serious face, I only have an unquantifiable amount of fear, and guilt.