anxiety in the suburb of southern california. counting palm trees.

sitting in the hotel in riverside, california, wondering why i even came to this place in the first place. "critical ethnic studies: the future of genocide" is the title of the conference. it sounded like a pretty neat idea last year, but the whole field perpetuating with academic jargons totally drove me crazy. homocolonalism? this one is new. we are telling the young minds to follow the master's languages and keep reproducing differently decorated but inherently the same ideas. i like how at least at this conference people generally have a sense of discomfort of being in academia--but i wonder if this discomfort has transformed to a hipster logic that "it's cool to criticize it but not cool to admit you can't avoid being part of it, too." every panel has little deconstructionist aesthetics of ( ) and other weird symbols in it, such as (de)colonizing queer or (re)imaging, etc, etc. i don't get the significances of the symbols. so what can we really achieve after knowing the inherent anti-blackness in mainstream gay and lesbian movement, or the neoliberalism in queer category?! then what?! or what do we get from know that homonationalism is not a post-911 thing but occurred back in roosevelt's days? i'm looking for a methodology in not only thinking, but doing something about this. calling out for "alliances" is definitely not enough anymore. nor is (re)inventing flashy terminology, pardon me.

for the egyptian revolutionaries, and my lover:

somewhere i have never travelled, gladly beyond

by e.e.cummings

somewhere i have never travelled,gladly beyond 
any experience,your eyes have their silence: 
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me, 
or which i cannot touch because they are too near  

your slightest look easily will unclose me 
though i have closed myself as fingers, 
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens 
(touching skilfully,mysteriously)her first rose  

or if your wish be to close me, i and 
my life will shut very beautifully ,suddenly, 
as when the heart of this flower imagines 
the snow carefully everywhere descending;  

nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals 
the power of your intense fragility:whose texture 
compels me with the color of its countries, 
rendering death and forever with each breathing  

(i do not know what it is about you that closes 
and opens;only something in me understands 
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses) 
nobody,not even the rain,has such small hands

也許當妳無法擁有某個東西的時候，妳總是意外得到另外的。

睡不著好痛苦。回來紐約後連續吃了三天的抗焦慮劑才能睡著，原本想一切都調節好了，卻怎麼也無法入睡。夜晚外頭的積雪反著微微的光。畢竟是凌晨四點多都還有人車在街上咆哮的城市啊。讓我的失眠感覺沒有那麼地異常。

渡了個看著電視小說美食珍珠奶茶的假日，該是回崗工作的時候了。和組織見面一切順利。六月回去一塊打戰吧。寫了快兩年的小說就要步入將近十萬字的怪獸。如果真的是關係這個世代的末日，那麼2012年也許真的是適合完成並推出去的日子。反正這種女同志的政治立場一定是賺不了錢的，還不如自己照自己想做的方式幹吧。

校訂、寫作、失眠、煮咖啡、被融雪浸溼的鞋、HBO影集、失眠、寫作。

為什麼見面時的我們總是那麼地禮貌呢？。

都過了這麼久了。想念的長度仍是遠遠大過於我們被允許擁有的時間。

A failure to escape.

I'm at a post-shiatsu peace in a little industrial town of the orange county called downey. Suburbs are just so depressing to me even in Christmas time while every house is blasting their baby Jesus lights. I think I forgot how to relax so when I'm not busy writing papers or reading I just feel lonely. It's in this time of the season when you are at your half Chinese American girlfriend's house, highly organized family gathering, you think you are not alone anymore and one little thing can easily break you down, like some overly creamy clam chowder reminding you that you are not American after all, that your lactos intolerant body simply cannot take it. And it's at this time of the day when everyone is gone and there are all sorts of dirty dishes in the kitchen, you are reading some lesbian poet's fictional memoir alone by the empty dining table, the house completely quiet, you think oh how I'm glad that this emptiness is not my life, and then you suddenly think about how similar your life really is, to this post-party everlasting silence and mess.

did i just miss the first snow in new york while smoking indoor?

我一直沒有辦法寫完這篇文章我想我是真的太累了。總算，總算完成了第一學期的所有事情，我卻沒有力氣歡呼只想就這麼陷入龐大的沙發之中忘掉自己過度僵硬的肩膀和頸子。我看著CSI:NY被那個極度俗氣的高科技犯罪探測器具畫面逗得想發笑。為什麼這個世界上會有這麼多的警察影集呢？我竟然就被腦死的自己絆倒在家在窗邊抽著煙然後錯過了紐約的第一場雪。聖誕節就要到了而我在美國住了第八年仍是無法融入小燈泡、甜食、擁擠的商店、關於耶穌基督的一切。

my winter reading list:

1. borderlands/gloria anzaldua

2. women, race, class/angela davis

3. the truth that never hurts/barbara smith

4. a brief history of neoliberalism/david harvey

5. the enigma of capital/david harvey

6. nations unbound/linda basch

7. maid to order in hong kong/nicole constable

8. and the everlasting capital i...ah! damn marx. i will conquer you.

9. marx at the margin/michael lowy

10. queer migrations/luibheld and cantu

11. constructing the subject/kurt danziger

12. when prophecy fails/leon festinger

you see i'm going for the third world women comfort mixed with some marxism and transnational queer and then have to go back to the asian roots and some social psychology. that's what my winter will look like this year.

might as well enjoy the chaos.

Dr.E有張非常親切鄰家的臉，總是穿著剪裁良好的腰身西裝外套和配套的西裝褲，眨著眼在接待室帶我走過長廊到她暗橘色燈的諮商室。她將椅子拉向我非常非常地近：「這個禮拜一切都好嗎？」充滿母愛並具有專業性的關懷眼神。我開始懷疑我看心理師和上心理博士班的底層動機是不是都是為了同一個原因--尋找具有權威性的母愛關懷？其實也沒有甚麼好說的。意外多出來的五天假期讓我覺得生命並沒有那麼糟糕。至少我還可以享受一些最基本的娛樂，比如美食、比如浪漫喜劇片、比如公園和陽光、比如一些關於感情最最基本幾乎客套的對話。Dr.E迫切地說：「但是，那麼妳呢？妳需要的是甚麼？」我可以明確回答關於Kurt Lewin's Field Theory和W.E.B DuBouis社會心理理論跟馬克斯和法農的關連，或者例舉十個以上可以值得我留在紐約這個城市的理由和十個我為什麼想離開的原因，卻在當下完全無法回答Dr.E這個看似會在lifetime電影連續出現的second wave女性主義問題。

我到底需要的是什麼？。

我們跳到關於我和我父親的關係。Dr.E對於我和我父親沈默並抽離的關係非常的有興趣。我已經可以想像到分析的結論是，我在感情中不斷尋找對我冷淡的對象，是為了試圖彌補我父親從小到大無法預測的暴怒以導致的距離感。我想到關於我為何不、斷、地、在為了離開我或從我生命終消失的人負責。這些罪惡感和焦慮是可以擺脫的嗎。這樣的重複著的感情模式。

我想念西雅圖的朋友。想念我們就這麼聚在solstice後院抽著煙死不買咖啡的談著天下所有的事。取代那個自然的療癒環境的是研究方法課後在八樓學校餐廳的小聚會。N會告訴我她在她的樂團表演完後和22歲的女生在大排長龍的女廁裡醉得要命的makeout的糗事，然後以替我分析brooklyn女同志圈的市場，偶爾上去okcupid女同志交友網站寄給沒有機會約會的對象莫名其妙的訊息，然後我會鼓勵她和五年級的學姊上床。她取笑我說：才三個月紐約就讓妳有了第一個危機。妳可以想像未來的五年會有多荒唐嗎？

噢我可不想想像。

this winter is dragging me down

凌晨五點無法入睡。昨夜的腦袋還泡在啤酒和威士忌裡面混合成解讀不出的情緒。整個宿醉的下午穿著芥末色的毛衣因為冷而不想要離開沙發一步。下午兩點到五點--一個人難得的放空狀態。打了幾通電話，回信，泡咖啡，吃頭痛藥，洗碗，折好一直懶得收起的夏天衣服，把隔夜留下的晚餐裝盒冰好，澆花。其實一個人的生活一直就是這樣。和時間和天氣拉扯。期待著，失望著，被害怕拒絕著，倔強著，反覆著同樣的情節和對話。不想念卻回憶。和心裡的恐懼打著精神戰。究竟在這樣的情景中有誰可以操縱著生活的決定呢？我在最脆弱的時候都仍是會敞開。而後果呢？被踐踏過的地方原來還存在啊。我想我就這麼坐在窄小的石梯上抽著過分重稅的香煙看著某些珍貴的東西在我面前漸漸逝去。而我卻一點挽留的台詞或抵抗的力量都沒有呀。