【樹正腥妖】

produced and directed by my video-maker friend, val, who is completely obsessed with the color green.

in defense of gay marriage

Lindsay called me after her family wedding in San Fransisco. It's always at times like this, when we are apart from each other, we realize how different our relationship is compared to others, the heteronormativity of this planet. People always say, "it's okay, you can still have a commitment ceremony and dress pretty," or "why don't you go to Canada?" Yes, we understand that we can't get married here, if we even wanted to at the first place. But what they don't understand is that marriage is not just a simple ceremony. It's so deeply rooted in the state, the culture, our legal and gender identity, our concept of romance and commitment. I used to be very anti-marriage, seeing it as a reactionary and assimilationist move for queer liberation. However, now I just feel like why the fuck we can't have the same rights that straight folks have? There is something really disruptive about how some radical queer activists protest against the rights we should not be doubted to own. In reality, many queer folks can afford to hate on marriage because they already have enough material resources to live a comfortable middle-class life with people they love.

Of course there is a lot of messed up things about marriage--religion, the question about monogamy, patriarchy, state control and Capitalism. The biggest mess in the queer movement now is precisely seeing gay marriage as a revolutionary demand or queer utopia. It's just like saying that granting every immigrant a green card and a job could smash U.S. imperialism and White supremacy. Gay marriage is a reform just like how interracial marriage was a reform in the 60s. It apparently didn't end all racism but it resolved some urgent issues that people of color faced. At the rally for Referendum 71 in Seattle this month, people were pumped up about how domestic partnership and marriage were like Black folks' struggles against slavery, KKK, or segregation. I found it extremely disappointing because how could we talk about gay marriage as a revolutionary demand if we didn't even start talking about racism, elitism, transphobia, and the upper-middle class White ass snobbery in the queer community? Of course we immigrant, working-class, people of color queers would not be so happy if gay marriage was only about showing off some rich White gay men's engagement rings or adopted Chinese babies.

I believe that gay marriage can be fought for in a package including other demands such as immigration, health care, and workplace reforms. It also has to be fought with a long term vision that every one's material benefits should not be tied with relationship status--whether you are straight, gay, poly, or choose not to fuck. Only when we all start seeing that queer liberation is not just about arguing whether missionary position or fisting is more progressive, and bridging our struggles and demands with the working-class, POC, trans folks, and immigrants, and push our demands through collective direct action (i'm not talking about orgy here, you queers) instead of the annually legislation bullshit, I would say that we have a movement going. And by then, I could truly care less about marriage. I might still want our 3/4 Chinese baby, though.

軟耳朵，硬骨頭。

我最近感覺非常脆弱。一些無關要緊的話或者意見都可以把我拆成碎片。總是在這樣的時刻我發覺我還有大半的自我是建立在別人的肯定上。要怎麼樣才能超越這樣的思想狀態呢？

十點上床，七點醒來。十點在solstice。每天，盯著十吋的電影不斷修改三種版本的研究所申請文章。把自己的身分扒開再裝飾。誰在乎妳是什麼移民酷兒有色人種呢？這幾年的困境可以用兩頁的word document說清楚嗎。我們每天面對的自我懷疑，即使只是幾分鐘的不悅，在這種沒有多少人性的篩選過程一一曝光乾淨。沉著。沉著。每次快要焦慮爆發的時候就開始寫中文字。為什麼我這麼害怕犯錯？誰又是我想像中的審判員？

Lindsay在舊金山參加一場家庭婚禮。我不習慣沒有她在身邊。尤其當我覺得焦慮的時候，總是希望她可以用她治療師的語調告訴我，I know you can get through this。


關於博士班以外的人生選項：

１留在西雅圖工作並和女朋友搬進一間單人套房。
２搬去舊金山寫女同志小說。
３心理治療師培訓。
４回台灣做心理研究助理或自殺防治熱線。
５唆使JM和我搬去中國搞社會運動。


我想我會沒事的！即使目前所有的替代選項都在加速我會變成硬核革命份子的傾向，也算是好的一面。

季節病。

冬天總是帶出我最黑暗的一部份。這些下不完的雨，讓人想起想離開西雅圖的種種理由。即使我們的靴子我們的皮膚我們的不帶雨傘，都已經那麼習慣這樣的潮濕。早上七點和女朋友醒來，套上衣服，走到樓下買一杯咖啡。開車回家短短七分鐘的路上聽著音樂，和所有上班的人車往返方向前進，常常都想沿著開速高路一直開下去。

申請研究所博士班大概是我經歷過最非人性化的程序。所有的統計數字都告訴你成功的機率小於2%，而你卻得在每一個欄位，每一篇文章中表現超乎百分之兩百的自信。這個學校要social justice，那個學校要diversity，我想他們還不如給我做個腦部斷層或基因檢驗，或者乾脆把我的胸口壓在影印機上列印一張我的熱情吧。UC Santa Cruz幾個禮拜前才被幾百個對於州政府學術預算裁減憤怒的學生和無政府主義給佔領，完全就是我們組織運動的目標之一，這樣的學校若還不收我我也沒有辦法！

在美國也待六七年了，若是萬一發生什麼要搬回台灣，比要留在美國二三十年的想法還讓我緊張。若是學校的事情一切順利，畢業後和女朋友搬到台灣，養一個會說中文的混血小孩兒其實聽起來也不錯。昨晚吃飯時問女朋友，若是妳不做社工或心理治療的工作，妳會想做什麼呢？二手衣服買賣？畫畫教室？也許明年我們真的搬去紐約，住在一間衣櫥大小的房間，天天往外跑，很多半熟的面孔而沒幾個真正的朋友，而不由得想念起西雅圖的雨季、我們的亞洲酷兒圈、數不完的咖啡店、和稍為人性化的居住空間。

the last session-heading back to a sort of pan-eastern philosophy

That morning i went to see my therapist and felt ready to end the whole thing, not because all issues have been resolved but because i felt i could start handling these conflicts in a less self-destructive way.

I spent a great weekend, could not have been better, with lindsay and her family at long beach. Her mom reminded me so much of my mom, the seriousness thus was translated into a kind of warmth. I was so happy to feel accepted by a family, especially her family. There was a kind of bitter sweet sadness coming out when i was there, because i wish i was closer to my family like lindsay to hers. I wish they could take me and the people i care as the people they care. Maybe love means to hold all the conflicts together while still seeing the sign of the subtle tenderness and desire to be close. I wish they could understand it.

I am still anxious and afraid of losing, losing people, losing confidence, losing hope, losing the sense of purpose and the place i stand in this fucking bizarre world. My therapist said things always go wrong when we fall into the binary trap, seeing there's either success or failure. What i need to work on is to find a solid, center place in myself that can hold these conflicts together and know that i do not have to choose to be either way; to love my family or to be queer, to get into school or become or a complete failure; to be burnt out from organizing or become a hypocrite; to be have a flawless relationship or die alone; to be caught in the past or neglect what happened and move on with a lie.

Maybe things will be okay. Truth is, no one has left me yet. I always need to come back here and do a reality check knowing that most of my stress comes from these anxious anticipations of some sort of unrepairable destruction. When things are going so well there must be something bad thats gonna happen soon--growing up as a chinese kid we learned how to be modest about life, taking as little space as possible. Now i'm learning to be bold but also be ready for any consequences possible and knowing that whatever happens i will not fall. Or that maybe it's okay to fall a couple times. I wanna experience what it feels like to be on the ground and appreciate the taste of soil and sand in my scratched palms.

I feel strong, vulnerable, yet hopeful about whats coming next.

Therapy, first day.

I was sitting in the waiting room completely fascinated by the noise machine and the warm deadliness in the whole floor. It was 10am and there was only one white girl sitting next to me, browsing the New Yorker like she didn't care. I didn't even see what she looked like, only the paleness and frailness. And i was anxious. Anxious about what i should say and what i should not. But my therapist was this tall warm woman, came up to me asking if i was wen (the entire time i was thinking if i was her first Asian client). She asked me if i wanted some hot tea and automatically liked her just that much more.

The office was awesome. Bright and green and warm and the window covered the entire wall. No tribal decorations or pictures of starving black kids. I was relieved.

She said you must be anxious because i'm a complete stranger to you now. I felt all prepared by some HBO therapy tv show and 4 year of college psychology course and a psychologist mom and a social worker girlfriend! In this way it's actually good that she is a complete stranger. I felt really scattered about my personal history and sometimes i couldn't remember or articulate what happened especially during my high school time in seattle. I remember it was probably the most depressed period of my life so everything seemed so stale and static. Part of me really resisted revisiting it. I thought i had already done all the healing and analyzing and introspecting and so sealed it in a box and buried it under my bed. My memory of 17 was a blank and lots of dates and calorie counts. She asked me how long has it been since Anne was gone i didn't have that number in my mind only 2004. I said August 2004.

I think whats good about therapy is that you could hand something you've been occupied with temporarily to the therapist so you don't obsess it over the day and night, knowing that someone will go through the trauma or stress or obstacle with you. Even though after all the shit is still mine and i am the one who has to take all the consequences, it's good feeling that someone is bridging the gaps from irrational destructive thoughts to the possibility of healing.

二手菸。惡夢。心理治療

其實我幾乎都不抽煙了，每天還是在solstice後面陽台的座位喝咖啡唸書，吸著別人的二手煙。

惡夢。我發覺我惡夢的促使者是咖啡因沒錯。一晚醒來兩次，出軌的鏡頭，分不清夢裡頭的女人究竟是誰。或許是誰也都無所謂，壓抑的慾望和恐懼慣於巧妝表面的模樣。張開眼睛看著女朋友在旁邊睡得安穩，於是安心。若是我能夠發明專屬的安眠藥或肌肉鬆弛劑，我要一種藥可以一吞下去就聽見她睡前用吉他彈著bizzare love triangle這首歌的聲音。

我終於約了第一次的心理治療約談。不曉得為什麼緊張的要命。