在酒精和集體之外。

這幾天普遍來說有著相當良好的能量--腎上腺素急速地分泌。從週末日本女性主義無政府主義者的反核運動會議離開，以布魯克林女同志伴侶做的全素甜甜圈交了新的基進東亞運動者的朋友。接二連三的組織會議和啤酒--唐人街的反貴族化運動，三月一號的全美教育行動日，五月一日的全城市大罷工--我發覺啤酒讓我變得相當樂觀，甚至是那些原本在系上讓妳感到感冒的人物，那些因為各種理由過分努力討好權威的傢伙，在充滿熱血的抗爭提議中，都突然變得可愛起來。我想有一些非常馬克斯主義對於"activity-consciousness"的理解在這行動中慢慢浮現：consciousness is not static, but is in a dialectical relation with activity。

而，我，一人，在酒精和集體之外，總是在教課完的一晚，無法進行其他的事物。所剩下的一些人性，只能被重複播放的節奏安慰。

it's easy to feel like a failure

I just finished a Psychology of Women class that attempted to interrogate the naturalization of "sex" and "body." I came out feeling confused--is it my teaching method that allow too much ambiguity or is the content itself is just so contested? My argument was simple--that sex is often used to end all conversations into biological determinism, but sex is in fact as social as the now acceptable understanding of gender as a social category. Not that it is not material--but the meanings of our physiology and biology were not "naturally produced" but were assigned by us--even genes or chromosomes, they are social things that interact with the environment and are much more complicated than indicators of "male" or "female."  We read narratives on intersexed experiences to think about the consequences of compulsory biological binary. I think the students got it. But we are still struggle through--as one student asked at the end of the class asked: "so do you think genitals determine our gender or hormones?" "do you think intersexed people should just go into the world confused about their gender?" Many students responded and argue against it. But it's easy to feel like a failure, like nothing you said was communicated across the table. I am trying to think I am not the one who is "providing" the content of knowledge, but really, to pass on critical analytical tools to the students. It is always not about what "the issue" is--that whether the differences between "men" and "women" are a result of nature or nurture--but why we are asking this question? Why we have such compulsion to rectify the category of gender as if it is true, and the only truth? It is indeed a political position we are taking we are asking such question--as the ones with legitimate science and statistics were the architects of our social experiences. Okay I need a drink.

detoxification.

i am totally lacking ambition at the moment. only sentiment. every since i got back from tel aviv, i wanted nothing to deal with work. i went to teach the next morning with severe jet lag--this student followed me around like i am her best buddy from the old time. i had such grand plan for them--all my marxist feminist tricks. but who am i. i am nothing. just this young person with unrealistic dreams. and fuck up a lot. who am i , to be the teacher. how do i say, at the end of the day, i really just wanna have a cigaret on my sofa with a glass of wine and watch this show "portlandia" that makes fun of hipsters then fall asleep.  all i want to do is keep traveling--to get as far as i can from all the crap at work. the dysfunctional department, the opportunists. i hate the opportunists the most--who think by having anything to do with occupy wall street then they are the revolutionaries, the conscious leaders above the mass. all they get is the sweet little favors from professors. oh how you are an activist scholar. fuck it. i want nothing to do with fucking activist scholars.

i am tired. i am indifferent. i wanna be washed out by the ocean. i want to be zero. just like the air. just exist.

so far yet so close

我是如此地想念她。以iphone app所無法真實觸及的距離，寫著過度簡短的訊息，假設溫暖彼此的可能。在這繁忙卻又單調的生活中還能保留一絲想像。公園、單人床、過甜的cappuccino，像是世界完全停止運轉的星期六下午，我不能擁有過多的這些記憶。

尚未到達的地方。

"I have not been anywhere your heart is breathing."

在以色列的時候我十分想念台灣，即使對於我而言這兩個國家的連結點相當fucked up--在國家的主權受到威脅下而實行種族主義的政策，甚至於長年的戰爭和殖民--Tel Aviv小巷子內女同志暗示的咖啡廳讓我感覺我在台北。我和E在老街的中產階級男同志lounge bar喝威士忌談著失敗的戀情和運動，也許有時候我們就是得接受此刻的悲觀、寂寞、或者慾望，不去拼命與壞掉情緒部份的自己脫節。E離開以色列已經七年，我們都帶著想家卻又有政治矛盾的鄉愁吧，也許這一輩子注定了得不斷遷移的認知。異鄉的莫名熟悉感混合著喬治亞的餃子以及蘇格蘭威士忌，我在留著L word shane髮型的調酒師前流眼淚，像個迷了路的慌張觀光客。我跟E說，有時候我就是這麼寂寞然後悲觀啊，在不同的城市假想可以擁有完全不同的人生，不同的過去和未來。想要完全不管後果的愛上誰。慾望著美好複雜多愁善感，穿著像是Architecture Digest雜誌中北歐設計師的良好黑色西裝夾克並且盤著深色長髮的E。被她像是永遠的觀光客般的保護著。我們都老去太快，生命中想要的事卻如此遙遠而無法觸及，而我們在那一刻可以和對方分享的不過是彼此的哀傷。

Jaffe是一個逐漸被貴族化的阿拉伯城市--我們和伊朗裔做關於巴勒斯坦女同志研究的activist學者走過花花綠綠的市集。一個攤販的女主人在我門試穿過二手皮衣後猛追著我們算賬。我逃到一間堆滿舊器具和藝術品的巴勒斯坦店。店老闆在舊金山住了三十年，我們談著美國西岸的城市，他說他從來都不喜歡西雅圖，噢那雨！我們都這麼抱怨著。天很快就暗了，我們在Yafa Cafe，Tel Aviv唯一的巴勒斯坦書店/咖啡廳。我翻著法農的Black Skin White Mask以及巴勒斯坦的手工藝術歷史。在這戰爭發生著的城市，我們才了解反殖民文化的重要性。

要離開以色列前一晚的十一點，臨時被通知明早機場將有的工人罷工行動，於是班機得提早離開。我和E的瑜伽老師表姐抽著手捲煙談著國民黨和1949年的戰爭，以及以色列掌權的猶太基本教義團體，等待E從她的約會回家然後道別。五天，是多麼短暫的旅行。我用espresso的杯數紀念我所錯失的關於這塊土地的一切，我所無法徹底理解的一切。

將計就計。

八小時紐約到伊斯坦堡--我讀著關於佛羅里達洲美國原住民賭場的政治經濟和種族控制的ethnography，一邊喝著土耳其紅酒還有Brad Pitt的好萊塢電影，降落在這個意外下著雪的城市。匆忙轉機--兩小到Tel Aviv--我不到該從說起我對這趟到以色列旅程的矛盾和抗拒。關於這個政府種族屠殺的戰爭，並不是一個學校出機票錢就可以覺得精神和諧的矛盾點。E是個完全批判以色列政府對於巴勒斯坦戰爭的以色列朋友，但她不完全同意學術性上的聯合抵制，由於自己本身在這土地長久以來政治立場被白色恐怖抵制的關係，她說，以色列的左派需要被外界聽見受到國際的支持，否則在當地的政治抗爭非常容易就被法西斯主義壟斷。這是我目前暫時理解的立場。而禮拜五的Tel Aviv是多麼地安靜，除了在Ben Gurion機場海關的惡性刁難，這個城市的海灘和夕陽，讓人多麼難想像我們現在離埃及和伊拉克是那麼地靠近。我們和革命和戰爭是那麼地靠近。

海灘的沙粒柔軟溫暖--石頭建造的牆上都是充滿曖昧同性情慾的壁畫。機場的計程車司機一路開著車一路不經意地說「Israel is the best city for the gays！」我們不知道是不是聽錯，best city for what？他完全沒有猶豫相當自然地說：THE GAYS！我和我身旁相當於一百八十公分高留著低調龐克頭髮的白人butch對看一眼，這不是pink washing（以色列以"開放"同志政策希望觀光和資金的政策）還能是什麼？

espresso、海灘、海灘、espresso，然後和E的十七個家人吃shabbat晚餐，喝不完的紅酒，超過二十四沒睡的我吃著猶太麵包和雞湯然後隔壁義大利鄰居的手做冰淇淋然後紅酒、espresso、espresso，陷入完全語無倫次的狀態。我們和E的弟弟討論巴勒斯坦和語言的政治性，和E的作家表哥在陽台捲煙，然後更多的紅酒。R和我精神混亂的坐在沙發上想，這次的旅行對於我們的系上帶有某些特殊的政治意義--我想我們都被寵壞了並且玩弄了。何不將計就計。