這個早晨在變換的城市區塊我想著《A Streetcar Named Desire》

情緒快要被內部的政治鬥爭消耗殆盡。其使我也會擔憂呀，離開了這個圈子以後，我還能在哪裡找到同志落足？妳們聽我說美國的運動史頭頭是道，但我自己的歸屬感又有幾分呢？

紐約什麼也沒有變。地下鐵的悶熱讓人煩躁。但我習慣了這個城市的匿名感。我可以是任合一種人，任何一種身分。即便是跨過了houston從壞情緒的當地人突然搖身變身成為消費觀觀客的樂趣。我們總是泡在傢具店內，熱衷討論著無法擁有的人生。

這次再飛回去，剩下三個禮拜在台灣，我能夠完成什麼呢？總是帶著這種被卡在時空中的情緒。有太多的歷史被翻攪卻不夠時間分析。太多的新關係來不及去好好解讀到貼心。我總是害怕失去了真誠了解的機會。你們會記得我嗎？我會記得妳們嗎？在忙碌之中，我很快地又會變成了我自己都不認識的陌生人，在城市中扮演著各個角色：助教、女朋友、好學生、大聲嚷嚷又愛抽煙的左翼青年、厭世的寫作者。我對生命的興趣被早晨的第一口咖啡的濃稠度給牽制著。

被自己的噪音包圍著

在腐蝕的意識下讓過高音量的音樂圍饒於我靈魂以不可觸及的疲憊部份。

我總算寫完了這兩年半遲緩難產而下的小說，然後呢？

可以再溫柔些嗎。

我們並肩隔距1.5公尺的走在深夜的大街。

我想著這一切的場景是如此熟悉又荒誕而陌生。

我對於故事結尾的偏執，

就和我對於故事開頭的強烈，

一般地固執。

is this how it's supposed to be?

it's been two weeks since i am working at the migrant group. i have to say that even though i thought i have some organizing experiences with me, i'm learning a lot. and i wonder why something that has been so hard to deal with back in the US, like privilege politics, racial/gendered relations, seem so easy here. and it's definitely not because this is a nationalist organization in anyway. i'm still figuring out what it is. they are productive, they rarely have conflicts, they are really good at what they do and they create all these fun projects with one another. they do music, theater, they protest, they deal with legal issues in the court. they write stories and then make documentaries. i almost wish i was growing up in the 80s in Taiwan, where things didn't seem as complicated and overwhelmed. there's not as much leftist baggage (except the chinese communist party), you just try different things and see if it works. you start to rally your classmates, and then your co-workers, and you walk to the capital, and you just decide to occupy it because the government officials weren't listening shit. you start to organize because your co-workers' arms are cut off but she only got $1000 from the government and then her whole life is pretty much ruined.

now i wonder if we can really create a tight revolutionary organization where people barely know one another and only know one another through politics. i believe it can happen for some people. but i wonder why there almost always seem to be more conflicts and self-doubts and backstabbing than friendship, care, or even just collective passion for an alternative way of life. if we have to feel policed by our comrades all the time, if our language is too reformist or too soft, then why the hell do this?

i'm really tired and never feel this alone. i feel more alone than the the time before i have my first queer community in the US. because i don't really know what community i belong anymore. i sensor myself everywhere. at home, at school, at work, over email. even in my novel, i cannot write the ending.