the edge

When i get stressed i start obsessing with every little thing around me. My phone, the charger, the bedsheets, the plant that looks like it's about to die, hair in the bathroom, the smell in the kitchen sink, the fabric of the couch. Every little thing drives me crazy. I was at this wine and cheese welcoming event at my program. Having to be genuinely interested and interesting for 3 hours was just too difficult of a task to accomplish in my mental stage. It's been a month since i moved to the city, when i just thought everything was getting more comfortable and familiar, i got completely overwhelmed by the number of people around me all the time. I used to have alone time all day, when i was unemployed and applying for school. That solitude made me feel almost too lonely sometimes, but it definitely didn't make me feel like a crazy person with too much repressed anger. So much to learn and observe, to be able to sound excited enough, militant enough, competent enough, smart enough, ambitious enough, empathetic enough. I feel like i'm always catching up every since i came to this freaking country. And the race is definitely not over yet. It is not a marathon, because i don't even know where the endpoint is, if not death. Maybe i need a spiritual leader to tell me that life is not a competition, but why it damn feels like it is all the time. I've subscribed to way too many newsletters to try to understand this world better and forgot to write and reflect. That is what is driving me to the edge and i can see myself wanting to jump in every minute.

my new home that doesn't feel like home yet

it's surprising to me how homophobic new york can be. i almost can't even tell if it's just east coast aggressiveness or i'm being too sensitive in a new environment. but seriously, i've gotten more homophobic comments in two weeks than i've got in the past year in seattle. lower east side is weird. it could be all white hipsters hanging out in bars and boutiques in one corner and the next corner would be all Puerto Rican workers getting pizza for lunch break. and the old asian ladies often walk toward south while picking up stuff in the streets to earn some recycle money. the stories about gentrification. i don't know how i fit into all of these. maybe folks here just see me and L as the new lesbians on the block and don't give a shit or give us too much attention. growing up in taiwan i always found comfort and safety in crowdedness and that was why i thought i would like new york. but i think i might have to change my mentality here and learn some kickboxing.

prop 8 is overturned in cali but i'm still looking for where the queer struggle lies and what is the most fundamental queer concern. after all we are just like any other oppressed folks, worrying about our safety, next month's rent, getting a job, having a caring community and friends to hang out in the park. i know it's gonna take a while for me to feel that comfort again. but i really wanna like this city. i'm committed to this.