A failure to escape.

I'm at a post-shiatsu peace in a little industrial town of the orange county called downey. Suburbs are just so depressing to me even in Christmas time while every house is blasting their baby Jesus lights. I think I forgot how to relax so when I'm not busy writing papers or reading I just feel lonely. It's in this time of the season when you are at your half Chinese American girlfriend's house, highly organized family gathering, you think you are not alone anymore and one little thing can easily break you down, like some overly creamy clam chowder reminding you that you are not American after all, that your lactos intolerant body simply cannot take it. And it's at this time of the day when everyone is gone and there are all sorts of dirty dishes in the kitchen, you are reading some lesbian poet's fictional memoir alone by the empty dining table, the house completely quiet, you think oh how I'm glad that this emptiness is not my life, and then you suddenly think about how similar your life really is, to this post-party everlasting silence and mess.

did i just miss the first snow in new york while smoking indoor?

我一直沒有辦法寫完這篇文章我想我是真的太累了。總算，總算完成了第一學期的所有事情，我卻沒有力氣歡呼只想就這麼陷入龐大的沙發之中忘掉自己過度僵硬的肩膀和頸子。我看著CSI:NY被那個極度俗氣的高科技犯罪探測器具畫面逗得想發笑。為什麼這個世界上會有這麼多的警察影集呢？我竟然就被腦死的自己絆倒在家在窗邊抽著煙然後錯過了紐約的第一場雪。聖誕節就要到了而我在美國住了第八年仍是無法融入小燈泡、甜食、擁擠的商店、關於耶穌基督的一切。

my winter reading list:

1. borderlands/gloria anzaldua

2. women, race, class/angela davis

3. the truth that never hurts/barbara smith

4. a brief history of neoliberalism/david harvey

5. the enigma of capital/david harvey

6. nations unbound/linda basch

7. maid to order in hong kong/nicole constable

8. and the everlasting capital i...ah! damn marx. i will conquer you.

9. marx at the margin/michael lowy

10. queer migrations/luibheld and cantu

11. constructing the subject/kurt danziger

12. when prophecy fails/leon festinger

you see i'm going for the third world women comfort mixed with some marxism and transnational queer and then have to go back to the asian roots and some social psychology. that's what my winter will look like this year.