Lindsay called me after her family wedding in San Fransisco. It's always at times like this, when we are apart from each other, we realize how different our relationship is compared to others, the heteronormativity of this planet. People always say, "it's okay, you can still have a commitment ceremony and dress pretty," or "why don't you go to Canada?" Yes, we understand that we can't get married here, if we even wanted to at the first place. But what they don't understand is that marriage is not just a simple ceremony. It's so deeply rooted in the state, the culture, our legal and gender identity, our concept of romance and commitment. I used to be very anti-marriage, seeing it as a reactionary and assimilationist move for queer liberation. However, now I just feel like why the fuck we can't have the same rights that straight folks have? There is something really disruptive about how some radical queer activists protest against the rights we should not be doubted to own. In reality, many queer folks can afford to hate on marriage because they already have enough material resources to live a comfortable middle-class life with people they love.
Of course there is a lot of messed up things about marriage--religion, the question about monogamy, patriarchy, state control and Capitalism. The biggest mess in the queer movement now is precisely seeing gay marriage as a revolutionary demand or queer utopia. It's just like saying that granting every immigrant a green card and a job could smash U.S. imperialism and White supremacy. Gay marriage is a reform just like how interracial marriage was a reform in the 60s. It apparently didn't end all racism but it resolved some urgent issues that people of color faced. At the rally for Referendum 71 in Seattle this month, people were pumped up about how domestic partnership and marriage were like Black folks' struggles against slavery, KKK, or segregation. I found it extremely disappointing because how could we talk about gay marriage as a revolutionary demand if we didn't even start talking about racism, elitism, transphobia, and the upper-middle class White ass snobbery in the queer community? Of course we immigrant, working-class, people of color queers would not be so happy if gay marriage was only about showing off some rich White gay men's engagement rings or adopted Chinese babies.
I believe that gay marriage can be fought for in a package including other demands such as immigration, health care, and workplace reforms. It also has to be fought with a long term vision that every one's material benefits should not be tied with relationship status--whether you are straight, gay, poly, or choose not to fuck. Only when we all start seeing that queer liberation is not just about arguing whether missionary position or fisting is more progressive, and bridging our struggles and demands with the working-class, POC, trans folks, and immigrants, and push our demands through collective direct action (i'm not talking about orgy here, you queers) instead of the annually legislation bullshit, I would say that we have a movement going. And by then, I could truly care less about marriage. I might still want our 3/4 Chinese baby, though.
sorry. i meant to say that gay marriage can be assimilationist, but it can also potentially be a revolutionary demand.
ReplyDeletehey i'm glad it made sense to you. i struggled a long time to think about this issue clearly- and even now i still have a lot of questions. i think gay marriage is particularly a hard topic to discuss because most of the progressive queers oppose it and has a lot of sentiment about how assimilationist it is. i do have similar doubts too, but it does not feel right to only oppose something and not bring any alternative on the table. it only seems demobalizing when there's no other concrete plans.
ReplyDeletei was talking to friends the other night about why we can't just fight for things like civil union or domestic partnerships with full benefits but not the title-- i think it'd only work when the whole institution of marriage is completely abolished, then we can talk about fighting for progressive domestic partnership as the alternative for anyone who wants to be in any form of family or relationship. but when marriage still exists and still holds so much cultural, instituaional, interpersonal, and psychological weight in this society-- i can't accept the fact that queer folks don't have the choice to access it. and yes, it can't be seen as only a romantic issue, it is also an immigration issue, a health care issue, an anti-violence issue, and an issue of accessibility for folks with disabilities.