[day 20]旅程的最後等待。

太早到機場了。因為聖誕節當天的奈及利亞裔飛機炸彈客的事件，所有飛美的班機加強防安措施。其實也沒有多嚴重，我連鞋子也沒有脫的就走過檢查門。以前因為遠距的關係總是對於機場這樣的情節特別地多愁善感。但是這是第一次，在長榮休息室中，望著一排的公用電話，卻沒有任何在離開前需要用著所剩無幾的電話卡告別的人。右側坐著一個染著橘褐色頭髮有著良好閱讀姿勢的女生，仔仔細細地用好聽的日文跟電話中的人交代事情。講英文的小毛頭在地毯上奔跑。看起來很nerdy的亞洲男生牽著一個長相普通白人女生的手。而後頭坐著一對看著報紙的中年移民台灣夫妻，大概在聊他們已經不會講中文的小孩的事情。我想要吃第二個芋泥小包，和更多的米粉。不曉得為什麼在高鐵上一直想著黃小偵和張懸的事情--如果真有這回事。想要打電話給女朋友，但現在是西雅圖的凌晨吧。我還有兩個半小時得要自己慢慢消耗。我帶著我的肌肉鬆弛劑，和反法西斯主義的死去瑞典作家的懸疑小說。每個大人都問我會不會孤單。其實進進出出了七年多我是真的習慣了這樣的飛行，以及活在兩個並存的世界。明天，我的十二月三十號將要再重複一次。

[day 19]離去前短暫的慾望氾濫。

聖誕節那晚和maggie兩個人去看了畫面聳動劇情內容非常平凡的偵探院線片，因為小時候對於這部小說有的特別鄉愁吧。前一晚在鼎王才被沒有預警地出櫃。不過一切似乎都很自然，我盡量不去想她和我存在著某種算是職業上的關係。其實我一身就是女同志樣子也沒有太多什麼好藏的。在台灣聖誕節一直都是太過於屬於情人的時刻，我也不經意地對於這晚所做的事感到敏感起來。晚上十一點，從中港路和她騎車回到東海時，風好大，隔著安全帽和這樣的時速聊著關於勞工的話題。這個情節讓我想到太多關於國中時期的戀愛。我曾經抱緊過的那些人。都到哪裡去了呢。和女朋友分開快二十天，我快要忘記被擁抱的感覺。終於明天我就要走。我迫不及待能和我被氣壓和座椅壓扁的頭髮和衣物在機場跟她擁抱。這次回台灣其實非常地開心，除了一些因為忙碌而約不到碰面的朋友。我還真不確定什麼時候會再回來。也許明年春天？我會一直記得這個冬天我們分享的精神能量和食量。

[day 13]實驗觀光客場景。

午夜被學姊tiff的車載走一路超車地飆到了桃園機場（其實也沒什麼好趕的只是在這樣微弱的危險中似乎比較浪漫），接到在印尼泰國結束短程旅遊的april。在台灣見到西雅圖的朋友，時空嚴重錯置。帶著april、mego和新朋友鴨鴨在寒流來襲的台北街頭拿著五袋小吃竄走，總是要冒著被當成外國人或討人厭的ABC的風險，用英文翻譯著一切。關於台北，沒有太多的事情可以再讓我留下什麼深刻的印象，甚至也沒有什麼煙癮。除了在val的劇場表演之後，一整屋子密集著精心打扮過的年輕人，讓我莫名地焦慮起來。很開心遇見了讀過我書的朋友雯琪，在夾雜在檳榔攤中的表演場聊天。感覺世界真小。關於創作美好的事情還是在於建立一個也許物理空間無法成型的社群。而關於創作者的腦內運作，《上層腦內被潑了那傢伙的東西！》也許是想要表現一種沒有特定邏輯的詭異創作過程。用藝術來表達藝術的製造本身是一個相當後現代的嘗試－－也許若換我要來用書寫表達我的書寫過程可能會變為沒完沒了的小學生復仇日記。在taboo，都沒有人跳舞所以喝醉。十一點後完全是抱著一種在變了型的女同志異性戀酒吧中反正也沒有人認識我的態度在DJ前搖起來。要解釋和april的關係或者她的國籍總是很難一句話就完成的答案，所幸省略著保持神秘吧！宿醉早晨的便利商店早點非常美味。那一晚我們在台中的春水堂因為喝了過多的鐵觀音奶茶而咖啡因過量失眠，剛好趕上中港路上對陳雲林的示威遊行。我給april在統聯巴士中襯著台灣國旗照了張相，我覺得自己真像是個盡職的觀光客！因為過量茶葉又再次失眠的夜晚，我們和成都、香港、雅加達的朋友同時gchat尋找各地的素肉、熱水壺、愛情的道德觀、以及藝術靈感。

[day 8]速食的享受以及緩慢的和平。

昨晚被逢甲的人潮混亂完全地給淹沒了。街道中充斥著不同層次的粗糙複製感。象徵巴勒斯坦團結的keffiyeh像豹紋圍巾一般被拍賣成一條五十塊的冬日保暖物。我在夾雜在吃鹽酥雞的大學生、大陸觀光客、和表情僵硬的老外的小巷之中，懷疑起自己的存在。見到connie和mego才放鬆起來。有女朋友有有女朋友的困擾，沒有伴也有沒有伴的困擾。這個年代即使有美國學歷也是無法找到決定性的良好工作。而為什麼這麼多T都上電視拍沙龍照了，我們還要為無害的感情以及家庭的包袱感到無助呢。我想著我對家的距離感和這種無解恐同的必要關係。我也想要牽妳的手在雜亂的小巷中喝珍珠綠茶或者吃耶誕情人大餐。回家時身體疲憊不堪，但是我的身體仍是不放棄地想念她。慾望臃腫，我在僵硬的床墊上無法入睡。我想念我們在西雅圖時那樣的簡單，在咖啡廳讀一個早上的書。下著雨也無所謂，我們在深木的小公寓中和窗邊的盆栽一塊平地生活。在床上臉頰碰臉頰。妳的鼻息是我夢境的節奏。

[day 1] 34 minutes before arriving in taiwan.

I stare at this little monitor in front of me showing the location of the plane above the dark blue dark green symbols of the earth- i can't wait to touch the ground and find the fastest way to reach your voice. My excitement of coming home this time hasn't increased through the length of the flight. 12 hours passed. The reality of being away from you has entirely overwhelmed me more than anything. I know I've done this before, so many times already. But I don't know why it's so hard this time. I miss your sleepy face. It's hard to say overly romantic things to you- maybe it's because our relationship is so simple and genuine that it's raw. We don't need anything overly dramatic to sustain us. I just want you to always hold my hand, like how you do when you drive, solid. And I'll know that you're taking us to the right place. I never have to doubt. Without you I am easily lost, like now staring at this little LCD screen trying to figure out how far this flight has gone by. I wish you were here to guide it.

Birth of a new movement!

existence.

My body must have freaked out by the sunshine and warmth in long beach, california- 80 degrees winter. And all the turkey on Thanksgiving and the never ending leftovers. I love leftovers. I think microwaves are perhaps the greatest invention of the 20th century. I felt grateful to be invited to spend this holiday with Lindsay's family- a close 2nd and 3rd Chinese American family that eats 油飯 (Lao Mai Fun, how they say it in Cantonese) on the most generic American holiday. My mom called me twice to tell me about the current economic crisis in Dubai. That's the way we communicate and care for each other, whether like it or not. This holiday reminds me too much about being an immigrant. I remember gathering at Alex's house having the Taiwanese orphan dinner around this time of the year. No matter how much we try to overlook the power of biological roots and cultural family trees, building a community with friends who share no bloodlines, they are still powerful enough to make you feel vulnerable and doubt your own existence on this very time of the year. I cried while talking with L even if i wasn't necessarily sad. I don't like to feel overpowered by own identities that I seem to be so comfortable with and have intellectualized over and over again for the past 4 years.

I slept better even though I wasn't in my bed. 10 hours every night on L's childhood bed. I wonder if it was because of being in an unfamiliar town, cellphone off. Quiet and absolute darkness. It felt like an escape before I realized we were coming back to Seattle soon. I had several dreams about my insecurities over this relationship even though I feel so strong about us. I think it's something about going back to Taiwan that made me anxious.

I didn't want L to leave for work at all this morning. Maybe it's because of my sickness that's making me feel more vulnerable and want to be taken care of. I'm trying to imagine a world with absolutely no time limit. What kind of people would we be? I took out pho to eat at home even though it was so environmentally incorrect. My alone time has extended 10 time this winter compared to fall. Perhaps it's contributing my decreased threshold level of interacting with people. Some people think I'm reserved and cold. Some think I'm timid, or angry. I think they are all not incorrect. I'm just too aware of other people's existence. If we were living in a world with no time limit, maybe you would get to know me better. But for now, I'm heading home and turning on the music so i can feel calm again.

stuck in an undefined space

在西雅圖都待了七年了，溼答答的冬天還是讓我感覺憂鬱。Alex從蒙古email給我第二個刺青的草稿--大概佔據四分之三背部的空間，我準備好了嗎？關於移民和家，作為一個移民者代表著永遠地想家，那為什麼我媽打來的電話總是讓我那麼焦慮？即使我們只不過是在談著天氣或果汁機。我不想變得無法快樂起來。聽著Mogwai的舊唱片，外面溼的一大糊塗。我感覺自己總是卡在一種尚未完成的空間裡：未完成的青春期、未完成的國際身分、語言、未完成的感情、未完成的研究、尚未抵達的學術目標。在這麼多未完成的空間之中，我的真實身分又是什麼呢？An unfinished adult, unfinished scholar, unfinished activist, unfinished lover, and nationally and semantically confused, all the time. 我渴望一份確切的旅程表，告訴我，在多少小時多少年，我可以結束這段亂流般的飛行，擁有一個可以被認清的身分，毫無猶豫地降落於地。

書寫者的空間。

禮拜六早上七點自然醒來，禮拜一到五工作的女朋友還賴在床上。天很快就亮了。關於研究所申請的事情總結束了最痛苦的一部份，剩下的都是些瑣事了。攤開一年前開始的一篇長篇小說，猶豫著是不是要繼續寫下去。腦子裡已經是很難再無限浪漫起來的人，每天想著的都是勞工、研究所、投履歷表，中文用字也越來越不準確，我想要完成這篇具有強大野心的長篇會是個馬拉松般的挑戰。我和書寫的關係越來越遠離，而這個事實讓我覺得焦慮。我需要一個假期，一個安靜的空間，一百個只喝著咖啡不說話的早晨。我相信書寫是一種勞動而不是單純地情緒發洩。十二月快來了，我的短期假期快來。昨晚April免費混進KTV跟我道別，她明天的班機去印尼，然後泰國，然後台灣。我說，我們台灣見！

Workers and Students Unite!

Out largest rally last summer against custodial swingshift cuts from the management. Tons and tons of workers came out. We broke into the UW administration's 26 floor tower. We witnessed the fear in their eyes and it was fucking awesome.

No Vancouver 2010 Winter Olympics on Native Land

An Indigenous anti-Olympics organization came down to Seattle for a panel about their anti-colonial and anti-Capitalist struggles around this coming Winter Olympics in Vancouver, Canada. Olympics are not more about multi-billion industry building and waste productions than about sports. It brings along severe problems including homelessness, ecological destruction, huge public debt, sexual tourism on women of color. An Indigenous movement has risen to challenge the colonialist and Capitalist nature of Olympics as well as the Canadian state.

Resist 2010: Eight Reasons to Oppose the 2010 Winter Olympics. (LOW RES) from BurningFist Media on Vimeo.

No Olympics on Stolen Native Land

10 Reasons to Resist 2010

1. Colonialism & Fascism
The modern Olympics have a long history of racism, from its early founding members (i.e., Pierre de Coubertin, a French Baron who advocated sports as a means of strengthening colonialism) to recent IOC presidents. The 1936 Berlin Olympics empowered Hitler’s Nazi regime. Both the 1988 Seoul and 2008 Beijing Summer Games helped legitimize authoritarian regimes in Asia. The 1968 Mexico City Olympics (where over 300 student protesters were massacred by soldiers, days before the Olympics began) also helped legitimize state terror. IOC President Avery Brundage, an infamous US racist and Nazi sympathizer, didn’t even acknowledge the massacre. But when two Black US athletes raised their fists in a Black power salute on the medal podium, he had them immediately stripped of their medals and ejected from the Games! Another well-known fascist IOC president was Juan Antonio Samaranch (IOC president from 1980-2001), a former government official in Franco’s fascist regime in Spain.

2. No Olympics on Stolen Land
BC remains largely unceded and non-surrendered Indigenous territories. According to Canadian law, BC has neither the legal nor moral right to exist, let alone claim land and govern over Native peoples. Despite this, and a fraudulent treaty process now underway, the government continues to sell, lease and ‘develop’ Native land for the benefit of corporations, including mining, logging, oil & gas, and ski resorts. Meanwhile, Indigenous peoples suffer the highest rates of poverty, unemployment, imprisonment, police violence, disease, suicides, etc.

3. Ecological Destruction
Despite claims to be the “greenest Olympics” ever, and PR statements about ‘sustainability’, the 2010 Olympics will be among the most environmentally destructive in history, with tens of thousands of trees cut down & mountainsides blasted for Olympic venues in the Callaghan Valley (near Whistler) & the Sea-to-Sky Highway expansion. In the summer of 2007, a record number of black bears were hit on the Sea-to-Sky Highway, with at least 11 dying (attributed to loss of habitat). Massive amounts of concrete used in construction have also caused millions of Salmon to die in the Fraser River, where tons of gravel are being mined to make concrete.

4. Homelessness
Since winning the 2010 Winter Games in 2003, Vancouver has lost over 850 units of low-income housing; during the same period, homelessness has increased from 1,000 to over 2,500. It is estimated by 2010, the number of homeless may be as high as 6,000. Since the 1980s, Olympic Games have caused the displacement of over 2 million people (Fair Play for Housing Rights report, 2007). In Seoul 1988, some 750,000 poor were displaced, in Atlanta 1996, over 30,000, and for Beijing in 2008, an estimated 1.5 million have been displaced. Yet still today Olympic officials talk about ‘sustainability’ and ‘Olympic legacies’!

5. Criminalization of the Poor
To ‘clean out’ the poor and undesirables, Olympic host cities routinely begin a campaign to criminalize the poor. In Vancouver, the city has launched Project Civil City and new by-laws to criminalize begging for money, sleeping outdoors, etc. It has also included hundreds of thousands of dollars for increased private security (i.e., the Downtown Ambassadors). New garbage canisters on streets make it more difficult for the poor to gather recyclables, and new benches make it impossible to lay down. These measures fit with government plans to remove poor downtown residents to mental institutions, “detox centers” on former military bases, and the ‘fly-back’ scheme by police to return persons wanted on warrants in other provinces. This is nothing less than a process of social cleansing!

6. Impact on Women
Events such as the Olympics draw hundreds of thousands of spectators and cause large increases in prostitution and trafficking of women. In Vancouver, over 68 women are missing and/or murdered. Many were Native, and many were reportedly involved in the sex trade. In 2007, the trial of William Pickton occurred for six of these murders, and he is to be tried for an additional 20 more. In northern BC, over 30 young women, mostly Native, are missing and/or murdered along Highway 16. The 2010 Olympics and its invasion of tourists and corporations will only increase this violence against women.

7. 2010 Police State
Some 12,500 police, military and security personnel are to be deployed for 2010, including Emergency Response Teams, riot cops, helicopters, armoured vehicles, etc. The RCMP plan on erecting 40 km of crowd-control fencing along with CCTV video surveillance cameras. Special security zones will be established to control entry near Olympic venues. For 3 weeks, Vancouver will be an occupied Police State! And once the Olympics are over, there is no guarantee many of these security measures will not remain (i.e., CCTV).
Repression also involves attacks on anti-Olympic groups & individuals, including arrests of protesters, raids of offices, surveillance, media smear campaigns, cuts to funding programs, etc., all in an effort to undermine anti-2010 resistance. This repression has already been used against anti-poverty & housing groups, environmentalists and Natives, in Vancouver.

8. Public Debt
VANOC and government officials claim the 2010 Games will cost some $2 billion. However, this amount doesn’t include the Sea-to-Sky Highway expansion, the Canada Line Skytrain to the airport, the Vancouver Convention Center, or the lower mainland Gateway Project. Including these costs, since they were necessary to win the bid and had to be completed by 2010, makes the true cost of the Games some $6 billion, which must be paid for through public debt, money that could’ve been spent on social services, housing, drug treatment, healthcare, etc.

9. Olympic Corruption
The modern Olympics are well known for their corruption, including both top IOC officials involved in bribery scandals (i.e. Salt Lake City 2002) or athletes found to be using performance-enhancing drugs (such as steroids). Yet the IOC still claims the youth need an inspiration and a “model” of good sportsmanship! Despite published reports of bribery scandals involving IOC members and host cities (i.e., The New Lords of the Rings, by Andrew Jennings), the Olympics continue to be seen as an honorable & noble enterprise, thanks to the corporate media.

10. Corporate Invasion
Government’s and business use the Olympics as a means to attract corporate investment. In BC, the Liberal government has ‘streamlined’ application processes, cut taxes, and offered other incentives to increase certain industries such as mining, oil & gas drilling, and ski resorts. This includes large increases in transport systems, including new ports, bridges, expanded highways & rail-lines. This is all part of their Investment to 2010 Strategy. The results have been dramatic, record-breaking increases in these industries, resulting in greater environmental destruction and more corporate power & influence over our daily lives.

Many of the main corporate sponsors of the Olympics are themselves responsible for massive ecological destruction and human rights violations, including McDonalds, Coca-Cola, Petro-Canada, TransCanada, Dow, Teck Cominco, etc., while others are major arms manufacturers (General Electric & General Motors).

Tear down the wall!

Palestinians mark 20 years since Fall of Berlin Wall by tearing down part of Israeli apartheid wall!

The workplace is crazy, not the workers: In Soo Chun's suicide and memorial

A former Korean custodian, In Soo Chun, self-immolated on Red Square at UW on October 30 last year.

I was only several feet away inside a building while him pouring gasoline all over himself and lit himself alive. My co-worker walked into the office and was completely in shock. He said to me, "there was a man on fire outside." I could not believe it. We walked out and saw helicopters and firetrucks and knew it was probably true. I learned about his story a year after from his coworkers. They said In Soo Chun was a hard-working man but was facing arbitrary transfers from the manager and was eventually terminated by the custodian services two months prior to his death.

There was no explanation from the UW administration or the media except that he was perhaps a "troubled man." His death left a ton of questions for people who witnessed the traumatic event, for his coworkers, for this public institution. The workers and us planned this memorial for him--not only to remember him but also to seek answer to the questions he left for us. Right now, workers on campus are still facing the same workplace harassment and unjust labor practices he faced. We were all wondering, who is gonna be the next among us to go crazy?

Some people walked by and said we were not being respectful for politicizing his death. While i understand that processing death and trauma can be a very private matter, I also believe that it's the individualization of the process that aggravate the degrees of grief and trauma. I've experienced the pain of suicide from someone I was very intimate with. And I wish there were someone to explain to me why people would decide to take their own lives away all of a sudden. I wrapped myself in a limbo and nothing had really resolved during those years. The individual process of grieving almost pushed me to the edge of killing myself, might as well. If I didn't devote my energy into writing, into studying psychology, understanding mental illness, I would not be able to recover from that trauma then.

That's why I think, it was important for us to gather the community, together seek answers for In Soo Chun's death. We would probably never be able to find them, because suicide is such a psychologically complex behavior by its own. But the meaning of this incident for us is concrete. The community that this event brought together was concrete. Even though I did not have chance to get to know this man, I would like to honor him with the actions against injustice on this campus where he chose to die.


In Soo Chun Memorial Video

On Seattle Times

【樹正腥妖】

produced and directed by my video-maker friend, val, who is completely obsessed with the color green.

in defense of gay marriage

Lindsay called me after her family wedding in San Fransisco. It's always at times like this, when we are apart from each other, we realize how different our relationship is compared to others, the heteronormativity of this planet. People always say, "it's okay, you can still have a commitment ceremony and dress pretty," or "why don't you go to Canada?" Yes, we understand that we can't get married here, if we even wanted to at the first place. But what they don't understand is that marriage is not just a simple ceremony. It's so deeply rooted in the state, the culture, our legal and gender identity, our concept of romance and commitment. I used to be very anti-marriage, seeing it as a reactionary and assimilationist move for queer liberation. However, now I just feel like why the fuck we can't have the same rights that straight folks have? There is something really disruptive about how some radical queer activists protest against the rights we should not be doubted to own. In reality, many queer folks can afford to hate on marriage because they already have enough material resources to live a comfortable middle-class life with people they love.

Of course there is a lot of messed up things about marriage--religion, the question about monogamy, patriarchy, state control and Capitalism. The biggest mess in the queer movement now is precisely seeing gay marriage as a revolutionary demand or queer utopia. It's just like saying that granting every immigrant a green card and a job could smash U.S. imperialism and White supremacy. Gay marriage is a reform just like how interracial marriage was a reform in the 60s. It apparently didn't end all racism but it resolved some urgent issues that people of color faced. At the rally for Referendum 71 in Seattle this month, people were pumped up about how domestic partnership and marriage were like Black folks' struggles against slavery, KKK, or segregation. I found it extremely disappointing because how could we talk about gay marriage as a revolutionary demand if we didn't even start talking about racism, elitism, transphobia, and the upper-middle class White ass snobbery in the queer community? Of course we immigrant, working-class, people of color queers would not be so happy if gay marriage was only about showing off some rich White gay men's engagement rings or adopted Chinese babies.

I believe that gay marriage can be fought for in a package including other demands such as immigration, health care, and workplace reforms. It also has to be fought with a long term vision that every one's material benefits should not be tied with relationship status--whether you are straight, gay, poly, or choose not to fuck. Only when we all start seeing that queer liberation is not just about arguing whether missionary position or fisting is more progressive, and bridging our struggles and demands with the working-class, POC, trans folks, and immigrants, and push our demands through collective direct action (i'm not talking about orgy here, you queers) instead of the annually legislation bullshit, I would say that we have a movement going. And by then, I could truly care less about marriage. I might still want our 3/4 Chinese baby, though.

軟耳朵，硬骨頭。

我最近感覺非常脆弱。一些無關要緊的話或者意見都可以把我拆成碎片。總是在這樣的時刻我發覺我還有大半的自我是建立在別人的肯定上。要怎麼樣才能超越這樣的思想狀態呢？

十點上床，七點醒來。十點在solstice。每天，盯著十吋的電影不斷修改三種版本的研究所申請文章。把自己的身分扒開再裝飾。誰在乎妳是什麼移民酷兒有色人種呢？這幾年的困境可以用兩頁的word document說清楚嗎。我們每天面對的自我懷疑，即使只是幾分鐘的不悅，在這種沒有多少人性的篩選過程一一曝光乾淨。沉著。沉著。每次快要焦慮爆發的時候就開始寫中文字。為什麼我這麼害怕犯錯？誰又是我想像中的審判員？

Lindsay在舊金山參加一場家庭婚禮。我不習慣沒有她在身邊。尤其當我覺得焦慮的時候，總是希望她可以用她治療師的語調告訴我，I know you can get through this。


關於博士班以外的人生選項：

１留在西雅圖工作並和女朋友搬進一間單人套房。
２搬去舊金山寫女同志小說。
３心理治療師培訓。
４回台灣做心理研究助理或自殺防治熱線。
５唆使JM和我搬去中國搞社會運動。


我想我會沒事的！即使目前所有的替代選項都在加速我會變成硬核革命份子的傾向，也算是好的一面。

季節病。

冬天總是帶出我最黑暗的一部份。這些下不完的雨，讓人想起想離開西雅圖的種種理由。即使我們的靴子我們的皮膚我們的不帶雨傘，都已經那麼習慣這樣的潮濕。早上七點和女朋友醒來，套上衣服，走到樓下買一杯咖啡。開車回家短短七分鐘的路上聽著音樂，和所有上班的人車往返方向前進，常常都想沿著開速高路一直開下去。

申請研究所博士班大概是我經歷過最非人性化的程序。所有的統計數字都告訴你成功的機率小於2%，而你卻得在每一個欄位，每一篇文章中表現超乎百分之兩百的自信。這個學校要social justice，那個學校要diversity，我想他們還不如給我做個腦部斷層或基因檢驗，或者乾脆把我的胸口壓在影印機上列印一張我的熱情吧。UC Santa Cruz幾個禮拜前才被幾百個對於州政府學術預算裁減憤怒的學生和無政府主義給佔領，完全就是我們組織運動的目標之一，這樣的學校若還不收我我也沒有辦法！

在美國也待六七年了，若是萬一發生什麼要搬回台灣，比要留在美國二三十年的想法還讓我緊張。若是學校的事情一切順利，畢業後和女朋友搬到台灣，養一個會說中文的混血小孩兒其實聽起來也不錯。昨晚吃飯時問女朋友，若是妳不做社工或心理治療的工作，妳會想做什麼呢？二手衣服買賣？畫畫教室？也許明年我們真的搬去紐約，住在一間衣櫥大小的房間，天天往外跑，很多半熟的面孔而沒幾個真正的朋友，而不由得想念起西雅圖的雨季、我們的亞洲酷兒圈、數不完的咖啡店、和稍為人性化的居住空間。

the last session-heading back to a sort of pan-eastern philosophy

That morning i went to see my therapist and felt ready to end the whole thing, not because all issues have been resolved but because i felt i could start handling these conflicts in a less self-destructive way.

I spent a great weekend, could not have been better, with lindsay and her family at long beach. Her mom reminded me so much of my mom, the seriousness thus was translated into a kind of warmth. I was so happy to feel accepted by a family, especially her family. There was a kind of bitter sweet sadness coming out when i was there, because i wish i was closer to my family like lindsay to hers. I wish they could take me and the people i care as the people they care. Maybe love means to hold all the conflicts together while still seeing the sign of the subtle tenderness and desire to be close. I wish they could understand it.

I am still anxious and afraid of losing, losing people, losing confidence, losing hope, losing the sense of purpose and the place i stand in this fucking bizarre world. My therapist said things always go wrong when we fall into the binary trap, seeing there's either success or failure. What i need to work on is to find a solid, center place in myself that can hold these conflicts together and know that i do not have to choose to be either way; to love my family or to be queer, to get into school or become or a complete failure; to be burnt out from organizing or become a hypocrite; to be have a flawless relationship or die alone; to be caught in the past or neglect what happened and move on with a lie.

Maybe things will be okay. Truth is, no one has left me yet. I always need to come back here and do a reality check knowing that most of my stress comes from these anxious anticipations of some sort of unrepairable destruction. When things are going so well there must be something bad thats gonna happen soon--growing up as a chinese kid we learned how to be modest about life, taking as little space as possible. Now i'm learning to be bold but also be ready for any consequences possible and knowing that whatever happens i will not fall. Or that maybe it's okay to fall a couple times. I wanna experience what it feels like to be on the ground and appreciate the taste of soil and sand in my scratched palms.

I feel strong, vulnerable, yet hopeful about whats coming next.

Therapy, first day.

I was sitting in the waiting room completely fascinated by the noise machine and the warm deadliness in the whole floor. It was 10am and there was only one white girl sitting next to me, browsing the New Yorker like she didn't care. I didn't even see what she looked like, only the paleness and frailness. And i was anxious. Anxious about what i should say and what i should not. But my therapist was this tall warm woman, came up to me asking if i was wen (the entire time i was thinking if i was her first Asian client). She asked me if i wanted some hot tea and automatically liked her just that much more.

The office was awesome. Bright and green and warm and the window covered the entire wall. No tribal decorations or pictures of starving black kids. I was relieved.

She said you must be anxious because i'm a complete stranger to you now. I felt all prepared by some HBO therapy tv show and 4 year of college psychology course and a psychologist mom and a social worker girlfriend! In this way it's actually good that she is a complete stranger. I felt really scattered about my personal history and sometimes i couldn't remember or articulate what happened especially during my high school time in seattle. I remember it was probably the most depressed period of my life so everything seemed so stale and static. Part of me really resisted revisiting it. I thought i had already done all the healing and analyzing and introspecting and so sealed it in a box and buried it under my bed. My memory of 17 was a blank and lots of dates and calorie counts. She asked me how long has it been since Anne was gone i didn't have that number in my mind only 2004. I said August 2004.

I think whats good about therapy is that you could hand something you've been occupied with temporarily to the therapist so you don't obsess it over the day and night, knowing that someone will go through the trauma or stress or obstacle with you. Even though after all the shit is still mine and i am the one who has to take all the consequences, it's good feeling that someone is bridging the gaps from irrational destructive thoughts to the possibility of healing.

二手菸。惡夢。心理治療

其實我幾乎都不抽煙了，每天還是在solstice後面陽台的座位喝咖啡唸書，吸著別人的二手煙。

惡夢。我發覺我惡夢的促使者是咖啡因沒錯。一晚醒來兩次，出軌的鏡頭，分不清夢裡頭的女人究竟是誰。或許是誰也都無所謂，壓抑的慾望和恐懼慣於巧妝表面的模樣。張開眼睛看著女朋友在旁邊睡得安穩，於是安心。若是我能夠發明專屬的安眠藥或肌肉鬆弛劑，我要一種藥可以一吞下去就聽見她睡前用吉他彈著bizzare love triangle這首歌的聲音。

我終於約了第一次的心理治療約談。不曉得為什麼緊張的要命。

rice cooker crisis

I almost had a panic attack when i found my rice cooker half dead this morning. I don't know why a piece of 10+ years old, dirty green rice cooker could make me so paranoid. I really didn't care that much about eating my taro buns (...well maybe i did). But it was almost as if it broke then, my last Taiwanese identity would be taken away by the inevitable dominant American culture in the air. Honestly, I never felt so Asian American my whole life.

Booked the tickets for Taiwan and Singapore with April yesterday. Part of me is happy about going home and spending perhaps the last stress-less winter break with my family. Part of me is wondering if this WILL be the last stress-less break between me and my family. I'm excited though, to be in Taiwan and Singapore with friends i met here. I have a feeling that it could change my outlook of what this gigantic geographical location means to me. It'd be great to see this part of Asia not just with nostalgia and huge appetite, but also with a new political understanding of our identities in the US that have been heavily shaped by what's happening at home.

10 days away from the GRE test. 10 days away from fall. 3 months away from deadlines. 3 months away from home. My stress hormones rise and fall with my google calendar. I kept talking about wanting to change this condition but haven't put too much effort into action. Lindsay said i might be in denial, telling myself that this is not urgent enough to do anything about it. And i found it very convincing. I really should set my sanity as one of my priorities. We start going to yoga classes together though. My muscles were so relaxed last night that i did not have any nightmare about mom or dad. I can tell how deep i slept by how messy my hair is in the morning.

周間無害牢騷。我想念我泛亞洲笑鬧又極度嚴肅的組織夥伴

也許因為一切都太美好了所以開始無謂地擔心。擔心無聊了彼此、擔心太過放縱自己的舒適度。禮拜三晚上女朋友總是在我的公寓等我開會結束。DI的會議過了晚上九點，大家都開始焦急安耐不住。禮拜六的工友會議、下禮拜的遊行集會、又或者下週末的retreat，我們有太多事情得決定了。大家在會議中都轉換成另一面的A型人格。會議一結束後原本打算飛奔回家的，但我們怎麼樣還都算是一個pan-Asian的組織--誰提議了去Ave上的韓國珍珠奶茶店，我於是誘拐按摩完剩下半點意識的女朋友出來和一群吵嚷嚷的行動主義青年喝芒果冰沙加珍珠。即便我們這群人的平均年齡大概是二十五，突然我覺得自己像回到高中的時候，十點多沒有地方去於是圍在喧嚷的茶店裡打打鬧鬧。我抱怨著上禮拜National Queer API Conference無知又壓迫的第二代紐約華裔美國男同志--那幾乎是另一個討人厭的主流酷兒社群。不是說要討論東亞人的特權嗎？中國主權！？美國華人的身分被無政治化的嚴重！而April剛拿到一個非營利組織的工作，半開玩笑地說要把我們加入她的queer advisory board。這個冬天她要去印尼，jane mee要回新加坡，我們討論著可能的印尼-台灣-新加坡、東/東南亞短程旅行。我說這樣一來lindsay就可以來台灣找我了！因為我家人一定分不出來究竟誰是我的女朋友。家人剛離開西雅圖，才短短一個禮拜，但我真想念這群朋友，嚴肅或者不正經地玩笑、管他政治正不正確。

冬天仍是充滿變數。回到家只想把她抱緊。我只是在喃喃發著牢騷想要和她有更多的時間相處。每天早上七點和她起床準備上班，我都怪罪資本主義。我說妳把我寵壞了，我從來沒感覺這麼快樂並穩定過--即使明年一開始，馬上地，我們就要面臨許多關於家人的、關於遷徙的、一切關於改變的、以及關於這個普遍恐同文化的挑戰。

the hardest thing to say

My family visited me in Seattle from Taiwan last weekend- i was freaking out about it a month before they arrived. I missed them but i was afraid to see them because i felt there's so much about my life here i had to hide. My organizing, my politics, my future, my girlfriend, and everything about my queerness. We were collectively creating this illusion that i'm not queer. I played along with this game because i was so traumatized when i told them the truth- 3 times. And hiding has never been a healthy method for me to deal with difficult situations. I sought help from friends and ex-boss therapist and decided that i needed to come clean to them someday next year because it was apparent that this illusion is not working anymore for any of us. Well maybe my dad.

It was great to see my little sister though. She's grown and understands the complexity of family dynamics. In Chicago we had a great conversations about kids in her age, about sex, about dad and mom, as well as my queerness. I can't wait till her to be older so we can nurture this friendship more.

I actually felt quite relieved when i decided i just needed to tell them who i really am, even though it might come with a lot of anger, sorrow, pain, blaming, and punishment. I hate how this is what most queer folks need to deal with- choosing the kind of life we want or the kind of life our family want. It's especially hard for the kind of family we have because respect and family tie are very very important values. I am not running away from home and say fuck you guys you just don't understand. I want them to know that i'm queer but i still love them and i wanna go through this with them. I'm in a wonderful relationship and working towards my future plan and i think, i do make good decisions for myself now. I want them to know all about this and trust me as a responsible adult. I just need to be in a solid place so i can bear a few months or years of family agony and not collapse. And i think i will be okay.

兩小時公路旅行七十二小時無國界親密。

西雅圖很熱，往北開兩百英哩，溫哥華也是熱得要命。西北美的城市居民似乎都無法接受烈陽灑汗的大晴天。正夏。我們都被好天氣慣壞了。但那個週末朋友所稱的小蜜月完全是我所需要的。女朋友一個月前就請好了假、訂了飯店－－這趟旅行是我的生日禮物。（這大概是我目前為止收過最成人的生日禮物！）去溫哥華很多次了，這個城市對我們而言都有不同的記憶。我只是很開心能夠帶她去吃台灣菜、喝珍珠紅茶、在充滿不同移民和說著不同語言觀光客的市區裡走著。我們都不曉得metropolitan和cosmopolitan定義上的不同，但溫哥華的大城市氣氛是清晰易見的－－當然也包括各大國際corporate的標誌。這是一個完全消費型的都市。對於在一座島上長大的我，還是很難了解開著車就能跨越國界的概念。加拿大的海關總是會開玩笑地問我為什麼我的mini cooper上有英國國旗。

我們住在市區偏東北邊的重新改裝的老飯店St.Reigis。我被整個灰紅色的色調完全吸引。兩個人像是小孩般地在完美鋪好的床上打滾、試著不同燈的組合。我喜歡和她披著亂糟糟的頭髮不穿胸罩的去地下室分一份培根蛋吐司早餐、在電梯裡擁抱讓異性戀夫婦不知所措。那個週末正好是溫哥華的同志大遊行，隨處可見梳理著完美金髮的男同志逛街。溫哥華的女同志場景和西雅圖沒多大差別－－在Lick，舞池裡擠的全都是穿著American Apparel無袖背心老鼠髮尾的hipster白人女同志。並不出人意外地，我遇見了兩個從西雅圖來的女同志朋友。你永遠躲不開主流的酷兒消費文化。一種傲慢的被動性攻擊態度。

禮拜日Pride在Robson街上。一樣多的觀光客和身材姣好肌肉閃閃發光的白人男同志。我們在人群裡探了探十多分鐘就走了。唯一感興趣的是一個加拿大的反戰團體，版子上寫著︰No Pride in Canadian Occupation of Afghanistan！

US/Canadian border的等候一樣的漫長。我想這七十二小時的貼身旅行中沒有一點不快樂。我等不及我們下一次的旅行。

Busted! Military Spy in Washington Anti-War Groups

Democracy Now! Broadcast Exclusive: Declassified Docs Reveal Military Operative Spied on WA Peace Groups, Activist Friends Stunned

Newly declassified documents reveal that an active member of Students for a Democratic Society and Port Militarization Resistance in Washington state was actually an informant for the US military. The man everyone knew as “John Jacob” was in fact John Towery, a member of the Force Protection Service at Fort Lewis. The military’s role in the spying raises questions about possibly illegal activity. The Posse Comitatus law bars the use of the armed forces for law enforcement inside the United States. The Fort Lewis military base denied our request for an interview. But in a statement to Democracy Now!, the base’s Public Affairs office publicly acknowledged for the first time that Towery is a military operative. “This could be one of the key revelations of this era,” said Eileen Clancy, who has closely tracked government spying on activist organizations.

i knew nothing about bone marrow transplant but ended up writing this article

it was a good experience talking with 10 different contacts about something i barely knew but i definitely learned a lot during the process. we always hear our elders say how important it is to continue our blood line. i guess if it's in this context that relates to someone's survival, without all the patriarchal and heterosexist assumptions about the role of a woman's body, then i'd definitely be there.

Vietnamese doctor in dire need of more Asian bone marrow donors

the image of authority

I had a bad dream last night. It was so realistic that made me awake at 6am and could not go back to sleep again. In the dream my dad forces me to do drug testing and it comes out positive. He is really pissed, thinking that i'm his useless junkie daughter who smokes cracks and shoots heroin and has unprotected sex with strangers. He locks me in the room, taking my cellphone away. I cry and scream that "I've never done heroin!!! Maybe just smoke pot sometimes--but it's harmless!!!" He of course does not buy it. My sister is crying in the other room. After my parents leave I ask her to throw the phone inside my room so i can call her psychiatrist who might be able to counsel my dad.

I don't remember if i manage to make the phone call or not. I only remember that the whole time i'm looking down at myself from above in a third person's perspective. It was like a bad high school theater play or something. I woke Lindsay up and told her the i had a bad dream. She said i must be anxious about my family coming to visit me in two weeks.

I think i am nervous about seeing my family. My shoulders are still tense after showering. I know that i am not the kind of daughter my dad wants me to be. But it is such a cliche of father-daughter relationship and i thought i was so over it since 5 years ago. What would Freud say about it? I'm a typical case of penis envy?--of course all lesbians are. My dad cannot see a tiny bit of respect from me because my queerness blinds him entirely. He is a tender man who loves poetry but 30 years of working and family trauma have worn him off. I want to say i understand you and i'm not a kid anymore. If i could ever say anything to him he would actually listen, that would probably be it.

責難之外。

她從中國回來了。開了台小卡車搬走她留在我公寓的家具、日式床燈、馬克杯、和一大箱的電影。我們好像什麼也沒有發生過的問好，像往常般地在solstice喝咖啡。她聊著她在中國的樂團事業，我也不是很著急地談著研究所和行動主義之類的事。她聊著她的emo中國樂團男孩情人和法裔女同志玩伴，我說著我治療師女朋友和我們去紐約或舊金山的計畫。沒有尖酸刻薄或者被動攻擊的言語。我想我們準備好建立一種新的友誼了吧。也許我有些想念她。但我知道至少我們的結局是和平而彼此都快樂。一年前她離開誰曉得事情會有這樣的轉變呢？我想轉變並不是壞的。兩個禮拜後她又要回中國，我繼續我的生活。屋子裡空了一些。我再問了一次自己，我是打從心底快樂的。這樣很好。

DI's anti-war graduation: low-budget picnic and heavy-duty love

DI anti-war graduation low-budget ceremony from Wen on Vimeo.

We had blankets on the grass with homemade pasta, salsa, chips, cake and iced tea. On the other side of Gaswork park there was a hetero wedding. The bride was taking a 30 minute walk with solemn music like the world is going to end. It's a busy summer we all try as much as we can not be to stressed out by the crises around the world. A lot of real work has to be done and that's why DI is not only a bowling night- it's a 20 hour unpaid part-time job and 24/7 mind game for real! At least we all found each other and built this community together. I'm proud to be part of the group and excited about where this movement is taking us. This is more like a graduation ceremony than the one with 3000 people plus Robert Gates, Mark Emmert, and some racist haters in the crowd.

mini steps to break down these heterosexist walls between us

Say mini to the birthday girl! from Wen on Vimeo.

Lindsay is turning 27 and for the nostalgia that we won't be as mini as one minute ago again, we had a mini party last weekend. All sorts of people came- the tongzhi crew, DI folks, straight but not narrow supporters (shannon yes it's you!), and some random couples and i'm still suspicious that husband with short shorts is somewhat queer. Oh whatever. We were on Capitol Hill and 8 out of 10 guys dress that way anyways.

It is in those space and time I feel having a queer community of families and friends is possible. There are already so many walls dividing us- the subtly racist politics of the white dominant queer community, the homophobic and patriarchal rhetorics of home, the masculine nature of most of the activist groups, the fear we have, of being too vulnerable or losing each other, even between lovers and friends.

I'm making effort to break out of my own walls. I've made peace with my queerness and respect for my family. The sacrifice of it is not being able to share most of my life with them- I'm learning to love them in a different way, even though homophobia makes me choose to be a daughter or a lover. I'm learning to, be vulnerable but also optimistic about my relationship with lindsay, and the possibility of a stable, trusting queer relationship that will redefine what family is capable to be. I'm learning to take down my guards with men, especially straight men. I know that not all masculinity is threatening and rape is a product of patriarchy. I'm learning that I don't have to be defensive with everyone in that figure, that gender, or that anatomy.

Sometimes I'm just so tired of being the one who has to constantly defend myself, my identity, my history, my desire, or my community. And thats exactly why we need to all make effort to break down these walls between us. To have a culture and community that practice radical politics but also love and care at the same time. If we don't start talking and asking questions, every queer conversation would remain to be a confession, awkward silence, or turn into a critique of identity politics. If we don't even know how to love and nurture people near us, how can we fight for queer liberation? The liberation that is supposed to break down those walls that prohibit desires and human connections.

I'm too much of a dreamer sometimes and I long for this queer community. It is so essential to our survival because heterosexism is constantly pushing us away from people we love, and making us fight against one another. I certainly feel powerless at times and just want to go back to the isolated state that makes me feel safe. But this community I have- even small and with enemies at all fronts- reminds me that we are all loved and we have to make effort to connect with others who might feel fragile or uncertain or even indifferent at times. And it all starts from small steps. No matter its a mini party or low budget anti-war graduation party or short cigarette break during the intense organizing meeting- we are building a movement, and this queer community is and has been part of it.

PROUD ASIANS, FIERCE QUEERS

Politics run rampant in Seattle's Pride Parade

By Wen Liu
Northwest Asian Weekly

Thousands of people congregated along Fourth Avenue to cheer for nearly 200 groups marching in Seattle’s Pride Parade on Sunday, June 28.

Various Asian organizations including Sahngnoksoo — a Korean and Korean American organization, Trikone — a group of lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer South Asians — and Khmer In Action (KIA) all participated and marched together to represent queer Asian communities. In addition to the festive spirit of marchers, they also came with political agendas...

二十二歲不老不小。有的也是愛和熱血。

二十二歲了。在充滿時尚男同志的lounge/展覽場慶祝這個並不太令人興奮的年紀。越長大越覺得生命是該貢獻給更大的世界。這大概是為什麼越來越少感覺寂寞了，覺得寂寞的感覺是很奢侈的。即便因為organizing而因為politics的不同，而和以前一些彷彿靠近的朋友漸漸疏離了，身邊現在有的這個community卻也是越來越緊密強壯的。那天女朋友突來的脆弱，說，會不會有一天因為我們的politics而走散呢？我說妳的支持對我來說已經太多太多了，每個人發揮自己politics的方式都不同--並不是所有的人都可以在organizing中找到精神上的報酬或者滿足。要我像妳一樣一天接一百多通危機狀態的諮詢電話我大概也會發瘋的。二十二歲。媽媽打電話來說，噢，妳還是個小孩！我想關於小孩或成人的分隔線對家長來說大概是非常獨裁的。二十二歲。學到越多越感覺謙卑，還有太多太多的事情要向這個世界學習。這個階段，除了盡全力準備未來的研究工作和徹底施行我的politics，還要好好愛身邊的人。成為給於這個community營養的一部份力量。

My choice to live a queer life- yes, i said choice!

Some mainstream gay rights advocates are looking for a "gay gene" that determines homosexuality to argue that "gay people are born this way" or "god created us this way" in order to get equal rights. To me, it's the most defeated and sloppiest way to talk about queerness. I've known my attration toward women since i was 13 and definitely had displayed some typical "tomboyish" pattern while i was growing up. But if people ask me if queerness is biological or or choice, i would no doubt saying that it's my choice.

Desire is such a complicated human behavior to be reduced to one simple gene, one trait, or one dispositional theory. Even personality theorists cannot claim that some overt behavioral patterns such as agression are genetic consequences. How can they talk about queerness as a purely genetic cause? When our communities have the most complex and creative identities- fagdyke, boygirl, MSM, bidyke, heteroflexible - the list goes on, it is too boring and unspectful to say, all of us are just doomed to be gay because we were born this way. Was i born as a fagdyke? I highly doubt it. I mean, my genetic disposition- if it did exist -would be more like a bottom gay boy than a fagdyke. Desire is not just an impulse of who you wanna fuck, who you wanna cuddle with at night, or who you will most likely hit on after 3 drinks on Saturday night in a bar. Desire is how we are socialized to display outselves, to attract others, to be turned on by certain body types or tones of voice, to feel comfortable having sex with, to choose a career, to be drawn to different kinds of activities, to decide who to vote for, to deal with our family in a particular way, to mkae friends with what type of people, to decide if a long walk on the beach or taking your short off in a sweaty noisy punk-rock concert is more of your thing, to have certain politics. Desire is absolutely more than a fuck, a gender, a personality trait of how feminine/masculine you are. Desire is a complicated cognitive decision process that is too hot to be explained as one dead gene.

When i came out to my mom (unsucessfully) few years ago, she asked me if it's biological or what. I actually told her it's more of less my own personal choice. Maybe genes have to do with how sharp my jaw lines or how small my boobs are, but being with women and identifying as queer are definitely a more thoughtful decision for me than an uncotrollable impulse. Of course Mom didn't buy it and thought i was just not trying hard enough to fuck men. But i felt good to come out this way and not pretend to be a victim to seek tolerance. Maybe it is because i have had the privileges to choose my queerness and not be bashed to death in the streets so far, but just like everything else in my life, i take the full consequences of it but also make the best out of it. I would argue too, heterosexuality is not something natural, a genetic disposition, a human reproductive instinct or whatever. Heteroseuxlity is a choice just like how queerness is a choice. The differnce is that the society makes it easier for people to choose to be heterosexul and once you block out every other queer option, they give you a whole lifetime hetero pacakge for FREE.

To me being queer is to identity with the struggles with everyone who is oppressed, restrainted, ostracized, kicked out of home. Being queer is to break all borders that prohibit us from connecting with one another. Being queer is to be ready to fight for a kind of liberaiton that's not only for those white gay men whose only regret of their lives are not being able to marry the men they want, but to fight for a kind of liberaion that overthrows white supremacy- and look fierce while we are doing it.

反殖民學習的另一種產物。

一整個下午讀著陳芳明寫的《殖民地台灣。左翼政治運動史論》，想著自己不在台灣，組織這群東非、東南亞、韓國移民的學校工友的動力也許大部分也是來自於這樣的鄉愁。說鄉愁感覺很陳腐，但我看見這群我爸媽同年紀的工友很難不想到他們。(上禮拜的遊行完他們還買pizza給我們吃！)畢業典禮結束的那個下午媽媽從台灣打電話來，急切的問我有沒有拍穿學士服的照片。我的整個心情還掛在抗爭Robert Gates以及組員被逮捕的忿怒和焦慮之中，但這一切最好也太難說明白。我只能說畢業典禮太熱了所以我提早離開。一半的自己時常提醒著自己在這裡的行動主義也緊密牽繫著台灣的社會運動。事實是，台灣曾有的抗清和抗日的反帝國反殖民左翼運動被我們的資本教育成功的抹去。現在學習只是為了找一份溫飽的工作而非解放思想。希望藉由在美國與不同的亞裔行動主義者的合作來塑造一個新的亞洲身分，一個非模範少數、非資本昏頭亞洲四小龍、非巨大購物商場貼白人屁股的亞洲身分。我們不能只等待第三個intifada崛起、或者另一個天安門事件發生...

我想家。但現在還不是回去的時候。。iris在台灣學混音。val和三個舞者勾結準備拍半小時的紀錄片。芝芝畢業了也考上想進的學校。有時候我也覺得寂寞(還是lindsay去舊金山六天的關係？)我想念妳們。至少JM在這裡還可以跟我用中文在咖啡廳偷講愚蠢美國人的壞話。

和種族岐視沙豬的戰役是場長期抗爭。

畢業了。在畢業典禮之外之內針對美國國防大臣Robert Gates的抗爭示威，大概是對我這四年之中所學的一切最恰當的結束方式。華大邀請這個要為伊拉克和阿富汗戰爭負責的戰犯來為畢業典禮演講，還給他頒榮譽博士，絕對是超過我的道德和精神可以忍耐的程度。Democracy Insurgent, World Can't Wait, Revolutionary Socialist Party和其他一些西雅圖當地的行動主義組織圍繞在典禮的外頭，喊著"CELEBRATE GRADUATION, NOT FOR WAR AND OCCUPATION"。計劃是當Gates演講時，場內的畢業生就地起立背向他抗議。無法忍受四個小時艷陽和熱得半死的愚蠢畢業黑袍的我，選擇坐在觀眾席和我的組員們舉告示抗爭。事前我們和警方協商好，這是一個和平的抗爭，警方說沒有問題，只要我們不干擾Gates的演說。Gates起立接受榮譽博士（on what? killing people of color?!），我們噓他，身旁的白人家長給我們使難看的眼色，工作人員走來要我們離開場地，我說我們已經和警方說好，這是一個非暴力的和平抗爭。Gates開始演講，我們起身，一併背向他，後排的觀眾開始罵髒話要我們離開，兩個警官走來，警告我們得坐下否則我們必須離開，我說我們已經協商好，只要不干擾演講本身，和平的抗爭是合法的。警官抓著我們其中一位中東裔的成員Khalil，再一次警告他離開，我們說，我們從不同的警方得到混淆的消息，我們有權利在場內和平抗爭。警官硬生生逮捕Khalil，我們迅速跟上。我們圍繞在警察辦公室外喊著"UW STOP RACIAL PROFILING"！當時一共有十位左右的成員同我們在場內抗爭，而警方只鎖定我們唯一的中東成員，這不是種族貌相還能是什麼？！一名中東男子和我們一塊追了過來，把巴勒斯坦的旗子圍繞在身上和我們團結抗爭。緊急連絡各台的記者轉播現況。十多分鐘後警方把Khalil釋放出來，並沒有說控告的罪是什麼。最讓我憤怒的是，觀眾群對我們的暴力。起身抗議時，兩三個成員被無理的觀眾推打。而當Khalil被逮捕時，一個白人觀眾諷刺的說"well sorry it didn't work out for you!"另一個則叫我們"go fuck your mothers"。他媽的種族歧視豬。Jane mee當著那白人男人的臉罵他"you fucking cracker"。

華盛頓大學這所自稱為自由主義的學校其實和軍方有著非常緊密的關係。整個畢業典禮幾乎像是要啟程出戰的歡送會還是什麼。我只是慶幸我終於結束了和這個學校的一切。一個民主的大規模社會運動建立在每日的行動主義。行動主義並不是一個月參加一次演講，一個季節參與一次遊行，或在同志大遊行之中裸體，革命的運動必須有基進的青年行動。而身為一個基進行動主義者其實是孤獨的，這次的抗爭更讓我明白，我無法再忍受只說不做又想要討好所有人的liberals。當危機發生時，你可以看清其實人性可以那麼醜陋。

Protest Robert Gates on YouTube

Seattle PI's coverage of the protest

City of Borders: 酷兒猶太復國主義下的媒體產品

The documentary City of Borders centers on a gay bar Shushan in Jerusalem, a place that brings together Palestinians, Jewish Israelis, Arabic Israelis, Jewish Arabs, religious or atheist, queer, straight and drag queens. The bar serves as a place that embraces all conflicts of sexualities, religions, nationalities, geography, and occupation through queer desires and the common human need for belonging. The film itself, however, is not as optimistic as it wants to be. Sa'ar Netanel, a secular Israeli who owns the bar and serves as the first openly gay member of the city council in Jerusalem, has to constantly deals with not only the homophobic threats while he is putting on Jerusalem's Gay Pride Parade in 2005 but also homophobic hostilities from mostly orthodox Israeli politicians. The film presents the tension between the two cities- Tel Aviv and Jerusalem. While Tel Aviv portrays itself as the liberal, Capitalist Disneyland for gays, Jerusalem is seen as a sacred land that needs to preserve its tradition and conservatism- which is translated by some orthodoxes as gay bashing.

In this conservative climate of Jerusalem, the film goes in depth to examine an interracial realtionship between a Palestinian-Israeli woman, Samira Saraya , and a Jewish-Israeli woman, Ravit Geva. Saraya, an anti-Zionist activist, speaks for the brutal occupation in Gaza as well as the racism against Palestinians within the supposedly safe, liberal state of Israel that's all about cultural diversity. Geva, even though supportive of her partner Saraya's activism and politics, fails to recognize her privileges as a white Jewish Israeli at times. While Saraya talks about how Palestinians are treated as second-class citizens and have no voice in the society, Geva interrupts and says, "Yes they can speak. There's freedom of speech in Israel!" Saraya quickly responds, "freedom of speech for whom?"

In another tract of the storyline, the film follows the life of Boody, gay and devout Muslim, risks his life by sneaking through the wire from the West Bank to Shushan to perform as a drag queen and, like what he says, "we are just going there to have fun. We are not going there to throw bombs." The film reveals his relationship with his mom, who is aware of his son's sexuality and not accepted, but is supportive to her son in her own way. The portrayal of Boody critics the dominant Western discourse of outness, in which the conflicts of religion and family are often impossible to co-exist with outness. Boody ends up in a small town in Connecticut, where he finds his partner and sees the limitations of queer immigrant rights in the US.

The film also follows the story of a Jewish-Arabic Israeli, Adam Russo, who is stabbed by an Orthodox Jew in Jerusalem's Gay Pride Parade. A former Israeli soldier and has clear Zionist ideology, Russo is not defeated by the gay-bashing incident and still carries his Israeli flag in Pride. At the end of the film, he is preparing his marriage with another Israeli man and moving into house he just brought in the Israeli settlement in West Bank.

The director of the film, Yun Suh, a first-generation Korean American from California, talked about how her inspiration for making this documentary about the Palestinian-Israeli gay communities was her experience of being an outsider, as an immigrant and a woman of color in the US. Having the privilege to be a documentary maker in the central of the conflict during the war as well as interview these people who might have risked their lives to be on the big screen, Suh fails to use the documentary as a crucial tool to really critic how liberal Zionism portrays Israel as a safe haven for queers but in fact only further justifies Israel as an apartheid state and its continuing siege in Gaza. While the film shows the possibility of love, empathy, and forgiveness can exist among Israelis, Palestinians, queer and straight folks, it fails to take a clear anti-Zionist, anti-Imperialist stance in the midst of some very extreme forms of violence against Palestinians, against people of color, and against queers. After all, queer liberation is not a dance party in the gay bar in Tel Aviv, but a space of justice where every kind of otherness can belong to that we will and must fight for all.